


Broken Wings, Bloody Things

by herwhiteknight



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Body Horror, Canon Divergent, F/F, Supernatural Elements, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-04-23 22:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 43,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4894660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwhiteknight/pseuds/herwhiteknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the season 1 finale, Cosima is back at the university to work with the DYAD Institute, but not for long. When her sickness gets worse, she decides that, despite her slowly mending relationship with Delphine, she needs a place to go where she can be close to family. But exactly how close remains to be seen as Sarah takes care of Cosima in her final days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been a labour of love for me for over the past 2 or 3 years now. For those of you who know this fic from my FFnet account, you'll know that I haven't updated it in two years. :P But!! To my new readers, don't let that discourage you. It's a work in progress. A very /slow/ progress... but. Yenno. 
> 
> Anyways, please enjoy! If you can't wait for me to update here, then hop on over to my FFnet account (same user) and find the most current chapters there!

Cosima woke with a start, images of falling angels and bloody sunsets fading from her mind's eye as she regained consciousness. She had been dreaming about home, about times that were easier than the ones she faced now. Times when she didn't know that she was one of a few and when she didn't understand the meaning of orphan. When she barely understood what it meant to be alone. 

When she didn't wake almost every night with blood on her pillow. 

Rising with a sigh, she rubbed the bloody tinge from her lips as she stripped the pillowcase from her pillow and crossed her dorm room over to her pile of laundry which had already had a collection of blood-stained bed coverings. It happened so often now that it had become a sick ritual. A sick, ritualistic testament to the life she was living now. Proof of the reality that she was dying. 

She needed a place where she could deal with this shit. The university dorm was all well and good while she was constantly researching things that might help them understand themselves better but it did nothing to help ease her continual sense of loneliness. Despite the distractions that research brought, science really wasn't a good companion for those who were slowly dying. If anything, it only kept the stark red reality in the forefront of her mind at all times, mocking her always as she fought to find a cure, a reversal of the symptoms. 

She needed a place where she could feel safe. Safe from whoever was trying to wipe them all out, from the science that she was sure she understood once. But most of all, she reflected as she tossed the sheets into the washing machine and turned back to the suitcase that lay open and empty at the foot of her bed, she needed a place where she knew she was safe from the fear of dying alone. 

The pink phone was in her hand before she even registered that she had crossed the room again. Her thumb roved over the contacts, bouncing back and forth between the only two on the list. Her mind first jumped to Alison, whom she had known longer and probably had a guest bedroom, now that she and Donnie were back on track again. Before she hit dial though, she thumbed down to Sarah. Cosima knew that she wouldn't ask questions like Alison surely would. Despite their occasional disputes, she knew that Sarah kept to herself, just like Cosima did. Decision made, Cosima punched call. 

“Sarah?” Cosima said as soon as the call connected, not waiting for the groggy hello on the other end. 

“Shit, Cosima, it's like... six in the morning. What the hell?” Sarah answered, having obviously just woken up to answer. But at least she answered. 

“I.. um, need a place to stay,” Cosima, normally cool and collected under pressure, faltered for a mere moment. Without waiting for Sarah to register her request, she forged on, trying to regain her confidence by sounding in control, “Is there room at the flat? You know, now that Alison is back at the house with Donnie.” 

There was silence for a moment on the other end, save for the rustling of fabric as Sarah presumably climbed out of bed. Then Sarah spoke again, asking questions instead of giving answers. “What's wrong with the university? You've got a dorm don't you?” 

_So much for keeping to herself,_ Cosima thought with an inward eye roll as she bit her lip and kicked clothing along the floor, nudging it towards her suitcase. “I... yes,” Cosima hesitated yet again, trying to keep the fear out of her voice so that Sarah wouldn't catch onto the fact that there was something wrong. _Pull yourself together Cosima!_ “I need a place to stay so I can get away from Delphine for a little while,” she improvised, using the somewhat flimsy excuse to cover up what she was really feeling; that she was scared of dying alone and away from family. Even if that family happened to be genetically engineered. But after bouncing around in the foster system during her early years, she'd take any definition of family at that point. 

“Alright,” Sarah agreed slowly, sounding much more awake and aware, lending her tone into slight suspicion. But she let Cosima have her privacy and the eye roll turned into an inaudible sigh of relief. 

“My flight leaves in three hours,” she said as she wedged her phone against her shoulder and began folding things with precise chaos, tossing shirts and pants arbitrarily into her suitcase, defeating any and all purpose of folding. “You'll meet me there?” 

“Yeah.. sure,” Sarah's voice came across the line, sounding slightly irritated. “What about Alison? You know she needs to be in the loop.” 

A flicker of her own irritation stopped her momentarily in the process of packing her basic toiletries. “Does she have to come with, though?” 

“You know she'll go crazy if she doesn't, Cos,” Sarah told her impatiently. 

“Okay, fine. Whatever. Tell Alison, I don't care,” Cosima snapped, her fingers whitening as she gripped her phone harder. “And since she'll want to know every little detail, tell her my flight number too.” She relayed her flight information, even her seat number for both connections. 

“Fine,” Sarah replied, her voice just as edgy. 

Cosima hung up and threw her phone at her bed. “Bitch,” she snapped, glaring at the pink thing for a moment longer before turning back to her closet. As she yanked down shirts and jackets in an abrupt manner, she knew that, in the back of her mind, she was grateful for Sarah. She was providing her a place to stay without questioning exactly why she needed a place. Despite knowing that she would have to tell Sarah and Alison eventually, the thought eased her frustration somewhat as she began carelessly folding another pile of shirts, coughing into her sleeve as she did so. When she went back to her closet, to her drawers this time, she brought her mouth away from her arm, leaving her sleeve stained a deep scarlet. 

\- - -

Her flight was fairly uneventful, aside from one major coughing fit that sent her scrambling to the washroom to cough up blood. She had spent so long in that tiny space, clutching the cold metal of the sink that a flight attendant had to come and knock on the door, asking if she was alright. She had collected herself, tried her best to scrub the blood droplets from the sink and anywhere else it may have splattered before shakily unlocking the door. As she stepped out, a little unsteady, she waved off the attendant and blamed it on the turbulence. 

When she had landed a little while later, she dialed up Alison this time, knowing that she would've thrown a fit at Sarah when Sarah had to tell Alison what was going on, instead of just calling Alison herself. Bracing herself for the outrage, she hit call and put the phone to her ear. 

“Cosima!” Alison sniped into the phone after it had barely had a chance to ring even once. “What is this about you flying down so you can stay in Felix's flat? And why did I have to hear about it from Sarah and not you?!” 

Cosima rode out the rant, one of Alison's calmer and smaller ones, with a sigh. “I'll explain more when you guys come get me. Can you just tell Sarah that I've landed and my luggage will be at carousel 3 so meet me there in an hour or so?” 

“So what, I'm your messenger to Sarah and Sarah's your messenger to me?” Alison scoffed, clearly annoyed, “Why don't you just talk to both of us directly?!” 

“Fine,” Cosima bit out and hung up on her, dialing Sarah in the next breath. 

“What did I tell you?” Sarah began to sigh into the phone when Cosima cut her off with a sharp snap and an abrupt movement of her hand that Sarah couldn't see anyways. 

“No, Sarah. Just don't,” she said, then carried on through Sarah's resigned sigh, “I just landed. Carousel 3 in an hour, alright?” 

“Right, right,” Sarah replied and they both hung up. Cosima stuffed her phone back into her jacket and picked up her carry-on from where she had placed it beside her on the floor while she had stopped to make the two calls. She ran a hand through her dreadlocks and sighed as she headed for the luggage drop off area of the airport. Maybe coming here wasn't such a great idea after all. Back in Minnesota, she had Delphine. Wasn't that enough? 

As she waited by carousel 3, watching the different suitcases go by, she forcibly reminded herself of Delphine's betrayal. Despite the fact that they had worked together to decode her genetic sequence and she told her about being sick, Cosima was still burdened by a distrust for her, worried that she might still be, simply, an experiment to her. Delphine's own personal laboratory subject. 

“God,” she muttered to herself after she had tried to shake that particular line of thinking for the fourth time, “You're starting to sound like Alison. Loosen up Cos!” 

“Did someone say my name?” 

“There she is.” Two voices drifted towards her and she turned, spotting Alison and Felix walking towards her. The pair wasn't exactly hard to miss, what with Alison dressed brightly in her ever-present pink and Felix in his usual flamboyant styles. 

“Hey,” she greeted both of them, glancing at Felix for a bit longer than necessary; she still wasn't exactly sure of him and where they stood. But he was Sarah's brother, so that had to count for something. “My luggage hasn't shown up yet. But thanks for getting here on time.” 

“Yes, well, with Sarah driving-” Alison began, but Cosima cut her off as an impulsive spike of irrational fear cut through her. 

“Where is she anyways?” she demanded, looking at Felix as though he had murdered her or something. 

“Relax,” he told her, regarding her with the same, if not greater, amount of distrust that she gave him. “She's waiting in the car because she drove.” He continued with a roll of his eyes as he saw Cosima open her mouth to interject further. “You honestly think that we'd risk the three of you being in the same place? God, even two of you is stretching it.” 

“Right,” Cosima nodded abruptly and turned away from him with a small glare in his direction as she spotted her red luggage finally sliding down the metal chute. “Well, let's go then,” she told them, grabbing it from the carousel and pulling it along behind her. 

“Where are you planning on staying while you're here, Cosima?” Alison asked her as they walked beside each other, Felix on Alison's other side. 

“Um... the flat,” Cosima said after a moment of hesitation, glancing past Alison at Felix. He didn't react much other than to just let out a tiny sigh, so she assumed that Sarah had told him about her intentions of giving Cosima a place to stay. 

“Is there room there?” Alison asked as they walked into the parking garage. “Isn't Paul staying-?” 

“I should bloody hope not,” a voice came from within the underground parking lot, magnified by its echo. They all looked to see Sarah walking towards them, hands stuffed into her pockets and her hood up. 

“Why would you say that Sarah?” Alison questioned, looking at her in confusion. “I thought things were fine between you and Paul.” 

“Yeah, well, they're not,” Sarah said by way of explanation, glancing at Cosima. “Hey. Flight went alright?” 

Cosima thought about her major coughing fit and felt her lungs seize up at the recollection. “Yeah, it was alright,” she replied, clearing her throat when she didn't make any sound the first time. 

“So what's going on between you and Paul, Sarah?” Alison asked as Sarah popped the trunk for Cosima so she could throw her luggage in the back. As she did so, her chest tightened and she bent over, coughing violently for a moment or two before she regained her breath and was able to load her suitcase into the back. Everyone else except for Felix was already in the car, so neither Sarah nor Alison noticed. Felix just gave her a look as he slid into the passenger seat beside Sarah. He didn't have to ask; he knew that she wasn't fine. He was the one who saw her coughing up blood on the day that Delphine came to visit, after all. 

Her little coughing fit caused her to miss the majority of Sarah's answer, but as she sat in the back beside Alison and shut the door, she heard her finish with “- with Rachel at the Dyad Institute. He works for them.” 

“If he's not staying at the flat, then where-?” Alison began to ask as Sarah pulled out onto the road, signaling for a turn and cutting her off in the same moment. 

“He's back at the apartment. He's the least of our worries,” she explained as patiently as she could to her hyper-paranoid clone. 

_Yeah,_ Cosima thought as the rest of the ride was silent, _We've got other things to be paranoid about._ She turned her face to the window and hid a cough in her coat sleeve. _More life-threatening things._

\- - - 

After they dropped Alison off at her house, not directly in front of it, but at the curb of course, Sarah, Felix and Cosima headed back to the flat. Sarah parked and they all got out, both Cosima and Felix walking towards the trunk. Cosima looked at him in confusion as he told Sarah to go on up, that they'd be right behind her. She did, though not without her own confusion, and disappeared up the stairs. 

“What do you want?” Cosima asked, her voice laced with a hint of aggression. But if Felix noticed, he waved her off with his response, one that was filled with concern. 

“You're sick,” he stated. When she did nothing but to nod slightly, he carried on, “Are you going to tell them? Sarah? They need to know, you can't just put it off!” 

“I'm going to tell them, don't worry,” Cosima shrugged him off and went to the trunk to get her suitcase. 

“You've got to remember that Sarah isn't by herself like you. She's got a daughter to worry about,” he explained, reaching for her wrist to stop her from going for her luggage. 

“I know,” she replied softly, “Believe me, leaving Kira motherless is the last thing I want. I would rather die than leave her motherless.” She looked at Felix with sad eyes then, the both of them recognizing the deeper truth that lurked beneath her words. But only Cosima knew just how fast that that truth would catch up with her in the end.

\- - - 

Halfway up the stairs to his flat, the strain of pulling her luggage up behind her triggered another coughing fit, causing her to bend double and clutch onto the railing for support, leaving Felix to take ahold her her suitcase as she fought for breath. 

When she regained her composure, she reached out for the handle of her bag, but Felix simply held onto it. “I've got it,” he told her, his tone soft towards her for once. 

“Thanks... Felix,” she smiled gently at him and made her way slowly up the rest of the steps while he followed along behind her. She reached the landing, crossed over to the threshold of the flat and was about to knock when he caught her arm. 

She turned to him and noted his eyes, how they were filled with concern once again. But when he spoke, quietly this time, as not to let Sarah know that they had come up just yet, his concern was not for his sister. “You sure you're alright?” 

Cosima regarded him for a moment, then just decided to tell him the truth. “I've been getting worse,” she explained, her breaking voice exposing her true fear, “That's why I'm here. Because I don't want to die away from family.” 

He took the information in silently, the only indication that he was upset by it was the tightening of his lips. Then he spoke, his voice comforting and serious all at once. “You're in good hands. Sarah will do anything for her family.” 

“That's what I was counting on,” she nodded solemnly and pushed open the door, which Sarah had left open because she knew that they had been right behind her. 

“What took so long?” Sarah asked as they stepped into the room. With Felix pulling her suitcase, Cosima shut the door and put the screwdriver into place to keep it shut. 

“I.. had to talk to Felix about some things,” she said as Felix shot her a meaningful look, to which she nodded in response. 

Sarah looked back and forth between the two of them as Cosima moved her suitcase to the foot of the bed to deal with later and Felix went to change. “Yeah? About what?” she asked, looking to Cosima as Felix disappeared into the bathroom with a swish of beads. 

Cosima was silent, pretending to be busy with unpacking. “Where can I put my stuff?” she asked, ignoring Sarah's annoyed look. 

“Just.. in the drawer, wherever,” she said distractedly, crossing the room to stand closer to her. “Cosima, what's-?” 

“Nothing! Nothing, I’m fine,” Cosima insisted stubbornly as she opened a drawer, closed it quickly when she saw what was inside, and opened another one just below it. 

Felix came out a minute later and nailed Cosima with a look as Sarah sighed and folded her arms impatiently. “I'm going out,” he said meaningfully, “So I’ll leave you two alone.” Cosima met his gaze determinedly, which caused Felix to let out a sigh of his own before just saying outright, “You better tell her.” 

“What? Tell me what?” Sarah jumped in as Felix walked across the room, pulled the door open again and disappeared out into the hallway. 

Cosima shut the door and put the screwdriver back in place before crossing back over to the bed where Sarah was still standing, watching Cosima with wary eyes. She sat down, her back against the headboard and her feet tucked under her thighs over top of the covers, and looked up at Sarah, indicating that she sit next to her. 

She did, glancing at the way Cosima sat, how her posture was all wrong and so very tense. “Tell me... what, Cosima?” she asked again, her voice softer, more gentle as she looked at her dreadlocked sister. 

She considered saying it outright, like she had to Delphine, but she knew that Sarah needed more than that, since she could be at risk too. They all could. “The German's respiratory disease,” she stated while Sarah looked over at her more intently, interest piqued now. “I've been running some tests to see if it's, well, a genetic defect in all of us.” 

At her pause, Sarah leaned in, her body twisting at the waist as she put both hands on the bed between them. “Yeah? And?” Sarah's eyes were focused entirely on Cosima's face, tracing the details as if searching for answers in the features that she had seen in the mirror her entire life. But none of the clone, genetically identical weirdness crossed her mind now. All she cared about was Cosima's answer. And her reasoning behind keeping it from the rest them until now. 

Cosima was momentarily caught off-guard by Sarah's intensity, a stupid scientific hypothesis rolling through her brain. _Would having sex with a clone be equivalent to masturbation?_ “Idiot,” she muttered under her breath at herself. 

“Cosima!” Sarah's indignant voice shook her from her scientific inquiry. 

“Right, I-” she began, shaking her head, forcing the thought out of her brain. _Focus on the stuff that matters Cos_. She didn't get a chance to go further in her explanation than that, because she felt a cough wrack through her body, violent and uncontrollable. She stood, stumbling slightly, as she struggled to make it over to the bathroom sink. 

“Cosima!” Sarah shouted again, right behind her as she gripped the edge of the sink with pale hands. Blood spattered over the ceramic as Sarah rushed in behind her, pulling her dreadlocks away from the spray. After the tremors left her body, Cosima straightened slowly, her lips painted a deeper scarlet. She caught Sarah's horrified eyes in the mirror and tried a pathetic smile, only to reveal pink teeth from blood-tainted saliva. She quickly clamped her mouth shut again, turning to face her now. 

“How long?!” she accused, stepping close to Cosima as she fruitlessly tried to scrub the bloody evidence away from her lips. “How long has this been going on?!” 

“I...,” Cosima began, trying to frantically backpedal. Gave up after a matter of moments. Sarah had already seen. “A few days,” she admitted quietly, turning back around in defeat and twisting the taps to wash the red away before it stained the ceramic. 

Sarah opened her mouth to berate Cosima again, but saw in the slump of her shoulders something that Cosima wouldn't admit to out loud; that her science friend was scared out of her mind. Her anger drained away then as she wrapped her arms around Cosima's waist from behind in a decidedly intimate posture as Cosima leaned over the sink again. As tremors wracked her slim frame once more, the intimacy of the hold went unnoticed until she looked up from the sink into the mirror and noted their closeness. 

“Sarah, I..” she began, looking at their reflections. Then she turned suddenly in Sarah's arms, causing her to step back a few feet. Because while they were, for all intensive purposes, sisters, Sarah clearly wasn't one for physical closeness except for those that she was truly familiar with. 

“You're alright,” Sarah told her quietly, just as she had on the night that Cosima told Sarah about Delphine's betrayal. The statement held just as much uncertainty now as it had then. And yet it still managed to assure Cosima all the same. 

“Thanks,” she murmured, leaning back against the sink wearily, tasting the fading copper on her tongue yet again. _Something else she'd have to get used to._

“So this really isn't about Delphine, is it?” Sarah asked. It was an obvious question. Rhetorical really, as the answer had already been displayed quite clearly a few minutes ago when Cosima had her first coughing fit. But something flickered in Sarah's expression when the name crossed her lips, like she wanted to make absolute certain that Delphine wasn't, in any way, involved. 

“No, Sarah,” Cosima attempted a weak laugh but it ended up turning into a rough hack of breath that forced her to turn back to the sink to spit out more blood. “Sorry,” she muttered. 

“For what?” Sarah asked, her presence suddenly very alive and close. And _near._ Cosima didn't know what to make of the lightheadedness she experienced right then, chalking it up to her coughing. To her blood loss. To her weak breath. _To anything other than what she thought she had with Delphine. Because it couldn't be caused by the thing that she thought she had with Delphine._

_No. Has. Still has. What she_ still has _with Delphine._

_Sarah was family. Genetically engineered, but still family. Raised to be a completely different person, but she was her sister. To what extent though? How far did nurture go? Did it go far enough to trump nature when you've never known the other existed until you were completely self-sustaining and established as your own person?_

“Cos,” Sarah's voice broke through her thoughts again. “Cosima!” her fingers snapped in front of her face, a hand tentatively shaking her shoulder. “You alright?” 

“Apart from the...” she started to joke until she saw the look on Sarah's face and her attempt at making light of the situation fell flat. Taking a deep breath, trying to steady herself for an admission of defeat, one she never wanted to make, she looked at some point beyond Sarah's shoulder and whispered, “No. I'm not.” And she tried then, very hard, not to break down. 

It was in that moment, as Sarah watched Cosima fight tears, that she realized that she wasn't as concerned for herself as she thought she would be. She knew that she should've been concerned for her own well-being, as the disease could be something that was genetically part of all the clones. She should've been thinking about Kira and Felix in that moment, should have been worrying that this disease could leave her daughter motherless. Her brother without a sister. 

But all she could think about was Cosima. And how terrified she must be. That she needed someone to be there for her and to protect her. And she had chosen Sarah. So this time, when she went to hug Cosima, there was no hesitation like there was on that night before. She simply reached out to her and pulled her in, even as Cosima made a slight noise of surprise at the contact. 

Cosima pressed into Sarah, struggling to keep the tears at bay. She sought comfort in Sarah's familiar form, in the softness of the fabric and skin she could feel through the tank that she wore. “I'm not, Sarah,” she whispered again, tightening her arms around Sarah, burying her face into Sarah's shoulder now, her lips brushing against skin, her nose tangled amongst stray strands of hair. 

“You will be,” Sarah tried to tell her firmly, but to both their own ears, the promise sounded flat. “We don't even know if it's life threatening,” she continued on, the assurances still hollow, the lie unconvincing. “The German was shot before we could find out.” 

“Yeah,” Cosima nodded slowly as she pulled away from Sarah's embrace, the tip of her nose again brushing along skin, her jawline this time, for the briefest of moments before fully stepping back from a hug that neither of them wanted to end. “Yeah, it might not be,” she whispered, looking into Sarah's eyes for a long moment, completely overcome with exhaustion and worry. 

“You look like you need some rest,” Sarah said, matching Cosima's pitch, reaching out again for Comisa's shoulders to steady her as she guided her to the main bed in the middle of the room. The pair made it a few steps before Cosima's grip became more desperate as she clung to Sarah, causing her to turn and look at Cosima in concern and confusion, her lips parting in a question she never got to voice because Cosima leaned forward, way past the point of personal space, and kissed Sarah right on the lips. 

Cosima wasn't even sure where the sudden desire had come from. But it was there, raging in her belly, a feeling she couldn't ignore until acted upon. She tried to remind herself about Delphine, but she was too lost in the feel of Sarah's lips against hers, the way that Sarah pressed her whole body into Cosima's, all the while tangling her hands in her dreads, pulling Cosima closer. 

It was Cosima who pulled away first, despite making the first move. She put her hands on Sarah's shoulders, looking at her in confusion, trying to decipher what the hell just happened. _She had only come here to feel close to family! That was it!_

“Cosima... I,” Sarah began, suddenly unsure of herself. It was that sudden vulnerability within Sarah that made Cosima step back. She was supposed to be the strong one, the one who defended them, the one who wasn't phased by anything! What was she playing at now, undone but their sudden intimacy? 

“Forget it,” she snapped, pushing back from Sarah, making her own way over to the bed much more wobbly than she would have had she had Sarah's support. She was also angry because Sarah didn't push her away. _Sarah should have pushed me away!_ she growled angrily in her head. _Delphine had pushed me away! So why didn't Sarah?_

“Cos...,” Sarah attempted as Cosima fell onto the bed, feeling herself weaken from the physical strain as well as the emotional overload that piled on top of her all at once. Sarah followed her, but didn't do anything other than to sit on the edge of the bed and look over at Cosima's weary face. She didn't bother to try to blame her by saying that she had kissed her first or to explain that there was no reason to be angry because she was the one who had initiated it. “I'm sorry,” was all she said. 

“Whatever,” Cosima replied, quiet in her anger. She coughed a couple times, staining the bedsheets with red, which Sarah barely noticed as she gazed only at Cosima's forlorn form stretched out over top of the covers. She coughed again, harder this time before wheezing in a shaky breath and said as loud and demanding as she could muster, “Just leave me alone, Sarah.”


	2. Chapter 2

Cosima hardly slept that night. She tossed and turned in the unfamiliar bed, her anxiety causing her to get up and blindly make her way over to the bathroom to cough in the middle of the night on several occasions. After tripping over Felix for the fourth time, who had holed up on the floor, he grumbled in annoyance about heading over to Colin's while gathering up a few changes of clothes. When he had gone, Sarah sat up from her place on the couch and looked over at Cosima. “Cosima, if you want I-” she began, her voice clear, as if she hadn't been able to get any sleep either.

“It's fine, Sarah,” she told her as she rinsed the sink once more. “I'll be fine. Just go to sleep.”

“Alright,” she replied, but it was a false promise; there would be no way that she would be able to sleep while Cosima was in the same room as her, especially after she admitted that she was sick. _And especially not after that kiss._ She rolled over on the couch, springs digging into her sides, sighing quietly into the darkness. _Don't think about that. It doesn't matter that she kissed you first, she's with Delphine. So forget it._

“Goodnight, Sarah,” Cosima said after a moment of silence, her tone one of someone who was trying to ask forgiveness.

At her voice, Sarah couldn't help but smile, her heart lifting slightly. “See you in the morning, Cos,” she replied, rolling over so that she was facing the back of the couch, her forehead pressed against the ratty material. Muffled by the bed, Cosima muttered a dull affirmative, her voice already close to sleep. _At least that's one of us,_ Sarah thought as she flipped over onto her back, trying to position herself so that the least amount of metal was sticking into her back through the worn out cushions. After tossing and turning a few more times, she finally let her eyes drift shut, sleep claiming her with welcome arms.

 

\- - -

 

After what felt like only mere minutes, Sarah was awoken by the sounds of soft snuffling coming from the bed. “Felix,” she groaned, “What have I told you about-” The sound grew louder as Sarah came around, realizing that the noise was obviously feminine. She blinked a couple times as she sat up and rubbed her eyes, looking over at the dark shape lying there on the bed. _What..._ “Shit!” she hissed and bolted off of the couch, “Cosima!” she muttered as she pattered over to the bed, mindful of the step that raised the bed slightly from the rest of the room.

“Cosima!” she said again, reaching over to shake her shoulder when she saw the tears falling down her face, her features locked in some kind of panic. Noticing this, she eased down onto the edge of the bed, pushing her dreads away from her agonized expression, murmuring her name softly, “Cosima? Cos, wake up.”

Her eyes flew open at Sarah's touch, her gaze darting around in the gloom before finally settling on the woman who sat at the end of the bed. “Sarah?” she murmured, her voice thick with sleep. “What are you...?”

“You were... um, crying in your sleep, Cos,” Sarah explained, hesitant to bring it up lest Cosima hadn't been aware of her own tears.

_There it was,_ Cosima thought, frowning slightly, _That vulnerability. What is with her? She's usually so strong._ Then she processed Sarah's statement. And remembered her dream. “Oh,” she said, stricken.

Sarah reached for her hand, squeezing lightly. “Wanna tell me about it?”

Cosima returned the pressure without much thought, pushing herself up to a sitting position even though her body was still weary. “Not really,” she muttered, as Sarah scooted onto the bed with her, mindful to leave some distance between the two of them. Distance Cosima wasn't sure she wanted just then. So instead of speaking immediately, because she knew that she wouldn't actually be able to sleep until she told someone, Cosima decided to lean into Sarah for comfort. Sarah, to her credit, didn't say anything until Cosima was ready to talk, though Cosima heard a slight intake of breath come from the other woman as she let her head fall onto Sarah's shoulder.

“I was dead,” Cosima murmured with the faintest of breaths. She tilted her head back to look at Sarah, who had tensed even as she pulled Cosima closer. “I had dreamed that I was dead, watching everyone cry over my body.”

“Cos-” Sarah began gently, raising the hand that was wrapped around her waist up to her shoulder and swirled her fingertips over the skin there.

“In the dream... you told me that you loved me,” she cut her off, causing Sarah's hand to still.

“Yeah? As.. a sister, Cos,” Sarah told her, though her voice caught obviously on the lie.

Cosima shook her head, looking away from Sarah. “Don't,” was all she said.

Sarah was silent for a little while, apparently steeling herself to say something. Then, “Cosima, you.. kissed _me_.”

“Yeah but you didn't pull away Sarah!”

“Wha?” Sarah questioned, nonplussed, “What does that got to do with anything?”

“You were supposed to!” Cosima yelled, ducking out of Sarah's arms and twisting to face her as they sat on the bed, “Everyone does. Why didn't you?”

“And by everyone you mean Delphine,” Sarah stated quietly, her eyes watching Cosima carefully. As she nodded, Sarah continued on, “Cos.. I didn't pull away for one simple reason. I didn't want to.”

Cosima's face twitched, then hardened into a frown. “I can't think about this right now, Sarah,” she snapped, yanking back the covers and sliding underneath them as best she could with Sarah still sitting on the sheets. “I only came here to-” she began, then cut herself off abruptly, realizing that she hadn't actually told Sarah the real reason for her abrupt departure from Minneapolis.

“To... what, Cosima?” Sarah asked softly, instinctively reaching over and taking Cosima's hand once again. The fact that Cosima didn't pull away brought some measure of comfort to Sarah. But even as she allowed Sarah to rub her thumb soothingly over the back of her hand, Cosima's lips just tightened as she shook her head slightly, her dreads swinging back and forth minutely. “Alright,” Sarah reluctantly agreed, nodding and withdrawing her hand before standing up. “You go back to sleep, yeah?”

Cosima watched her walk halfway back to the couch with unreadable eyes. “Sure,” she said as Sarah went to go lay back down. But before she did, Cosima called out one more time, “Sarah?”

“Yeah Cos?” she asked, leaning up against the back of the couch as she watched Cosima prop herself up on her elbows before continuing.

“I.. just wanted to say thanks,” Cosima said, her voice breaking a bit, revealing her own vulnerability, “For, uh.. being here, you know.”

“Yeah... it's nothing, Cos,” she replied. Cosima looked as if she wanted to say more, to protest Sarah's dismissal of something that really meant a lot to her, but she just closed her mouth and let herself fall back onto the mattress. Sarah watched as Cosima's weary body dropped back into sleep, her breathing slightly raspy, but even nonetheless.

Sarah flopped back onto the couch, sleep near impossible as she thought about Cosima and what she didn't say about her reasons for needing to get away from Minneapolis. It was just as well that she couldn't drift off because, within minutes, Cosima's steady breathing was interrupted yet again by soft sobs. _I can't just leave her like that,_ Sarah thought, sitting up slowly as she debated inwardly. _But there's still Delphine.... But, it doesn't have to be romantic, right? I’m just making sure she's okay._ Keeping that in mind, she got up and walked back over to the bed, trying to push away the thought that her intent was ultimately selfish.

She approached the bed cautiously, careful not to make too much noise as she gently pulled the covers back and sat on the bed. Cosima, still asleep and crying, didn't make any move other than to shiver lightly at the sudden exposure of her skin to the air. Sliding in beside her, Sarah quickly covered them both with the blankets before rolling over onto her side so that her front was to Cosima's back. “You're alright,” Sarah murmured, not loud enough to wake her, but enough to soothe her tears. “Just sleep,” she said, pressing a gentle kiss to her shoulder and pulling her closer as Cosima smiled peacefully.

 

\- - -

 

Cosima woke up the next morning feeling more relaxed than she had ever been in a long time. Instead of being forced into awareness while her body struggled for air, her eyes drifted open lazily as she became slowly more aware of her surroundings. Light was streaming in through a large window above her head and something _warm_ was wrapped around her middle. She stretched, still slightly disoriented, causing whatever was wrapped around her to be dislodged with a couple of indistinguishable words.

“CosIdonwanna,” a sleepy voice said, sounding right behind her ear.

Cosima jumped, her eyes snapping open fully as her heart raced. “Shit!” she exclaimed as she sat up quickly, noting Sarah sprawled out on the bed with her, her expression turning from sleepy contentment to ashamed guilt. “What the hell Sarah?” she demanded, glaring at the other woman.

“You were crying again, Cos!” Sarah explained, her tone defensive, “I couldn't leave you alone like that!”

At that, Cosima stopped. Despite all else, Sarah had just unknowingly pinpointed the exact reason why Cosima left Minneapolis. “No.. I guess you couldn't,” she replied, picking at the blankets absently with delicate fingers while studying her.

“Cosima-”

“Sarah, it's fine,” she said, standing up abruptly. “I should... probably go clean up from last night. In case there were any blood spots I missed.”

“I'll just... go put some coffee on, yeah? While you go do that?” Sarah asked her hesitantly, as if she needed Cosima's permission to do anything in a space was much more familiar to Sarah than it was to Cosima.

Still frustrated with the difference in Sarah's character, Cosima nodded, her tone sharper than normal, “Sure, whatever.” Then she turned towards the bathroom, noting out of the corner of her eye that Sarah hadn't moved and was just standing there, staring at her with a blank expression. _What the hell is going on with her?_ she wondered once again. Pushing the thought from her mind, she turned to the sink to inspect the ceramic for blood, hoping that she hadn't left any to stain.

Even though Cosima should have known to expect everything by now, the sudden coughing fit hit her out of nowhere, like a pair of iron fists squeezing her ribs together. The pain was jarring and she lurched forward, hands frantically scrabbling for something to hold onto with which to steady herself as she felt blood splatter against her throat, lips, teeth and everything else as it painted the sink in front of her like a canvas.

“Cosima!” she vaguely heard Sarah call as she fought the stabbing pain in her chest. “Hey, it's alright,” her voice, suddenly very close behind her, soothed as she felt hands on her back, massaging in slow circles just below her shoulder blades. “I'm here.”

With the aid of Sarah's gentle touch, the coughing slowed, but the ache remained, a dull throb as opposed to feeling like her ribs had been inversed and were slowly slicing through the delicate tissue of her lungs. “Thanks,” she snapped, “But I don't need you Sarah. I'm fine.” She wiped the trace remnants of blood from her lips and watched as her words caused Sarah to take a step back, but stand her ground otherwise.

“No,” she threw back and Cosima couldn't help but smirk inwardly. _That's the Sarah I’m used to,_ she thought as Sarah continued, “Cosima, you're not fine. Do you even know what's causing this lung thing? Is it something that can affect all of us?”

She swallowed nervously, the faint taste of copper not even triggering a flinch anymore. “I.. it's.. Delphine, the last time I talked to her I mean, she was.. still looking. For answers, I mean.”

“So you don't know... anything, do you?” Sarah questioned, taking back the step that she lost as she invaded Cosima's space, her voice dropping suddenly from anger to anxiety, fear darkening her tone. “Cosima... are you d-?” she began, but the word stuck in her throat and she shook her head in terror at even the thought of it.

Cosima felt her heart pound in panic, knowing exactly what Sarah had been unable to say. Denial had gotten her this far and she refused to lose the glittering hope that she had placed in science and in Delphine's research. “Delphine will find-” she began, but Sarah cut her off, her voice cracking in fear.

“But what if she doesn't? What if-?”

Cosima threw herself at Sarah then, only thinking about keeping Sarah from speaking her own doubts aloud as she kissed her frantically. “Don't say it,” Cosima pleaded with her as they broke apart with a gasp, “Please, don't say it.” Sarah regarded her for a silent moment, her lips slightly parted, her eyes wild. She nodded imperceptibly before drawing her back into her arms, their lips meeting for a much softer, more comforting kiss.

This time, as they kissed, Delphine barely crossed Cosima's mind. That was a problem, she knew, but she just couldn't bring herself to care as she lost herself yet again to the woman that was Sarah, focusing not only on her lips tasting hers, but on the finer details, like the way that Sarah's hips brushed up ever so subtly up against hers, the way that the fingertips of one hand explored the planes of her exposed waist while the other stroked down her jawline, tracing the shape of her face.

It was when she felt Sarah's tongue swiping gently across her lower lip that Cosima finally came to her senses, breaking from the embrace. “I... it's.. Delphine,” she said haltingly as shook her head, feeling sick with betrayal. But betrayal towards who, exactly, Cosima couldn't tell at that precise moment.

Sarah nodded once in quiet agreement, “Yeah,” she murmured, that one word tugging at Cosima's heartstrings, lending more power to Sarah in the tug of war over her heart.

“I'm sorry,” Cosima said. And she truly meant it. Because whatever else happened between them, Cosima still wanted to keep Sarah in her life. Sarah was the one who stuck with her even when she had stubbornly pursued Delphine despite constant warnings and Sarah was the one who held her together when those warnings proved true. And now Sarah was the one who was here, making sure that she was not alone.

“No, I should be sorry,” Sarah told her, “You're with Delphine and I know that. I'm a bloody idiot and I _know_ that.”

“You're not an idiot,” Cosima reassured her quickly, reaching out and touching her shoulder, “You're just...”

“Just... what?” Sarah asked, sounding apprehensive.

_In love,_ Cosima almost said, her whole being rejecting that thought, causing her to nearly snarl in anger. _She's not in love with me,_ she thought, refusing to even think about the possibility of that reality, whether or not it would be better to be with Sarah over Delphine.“Nothing,” she found herself snapping again, forcibly shaking the words from her head. _I'm with Delphine anyways, so it doesn't matter what her feelings towards me may or may not be._

Sarah noticed the sudden change in the dreadlocked woman and tried not to react defensively. Failed. Even though she _knew_ that Cosima was trying to deal with the actuality that she was sick, it was in her nature to respond to threats in an aggressive manner. Sarah didn't _want_ to lash out at Cosima, but she had learned a long time ago that silence was an attackers cue to weakness. And Sarah was by no means weak. “I'm just trying to help you,” she snarled back, “But you obviously don't want it, so I guess I'd better just forget it, yeah?”

“Sarah, I just-”

“No,” she said, just barely keeping herself in check as her voice broke in anger, “Why did you even come here Cosima? Why are you here, really? Are you,” she began, looking disgusted at her next words, “Trying to make Delphine jealous?”

“What? Sarah, Delphine knows that I...,” she began, her voice halting at the word _love_. She shut her eyes briefly before continuing, “Besides, there's nothing going on between _us_ that would make her jealous!” _Nothing she knows about, anyway,_ Cosima thought, thinking about the kisses they previously shared.

Sarah's hand went to her lips silently as if she had read Cosima's mind, shock and hurt invading her features. “I get it,” she said, her voice so horribly cold and distant and so far gone from the volatile and passionate Sarah that she knew. “So I’m the idiot for thinking you actually cared about me, yeah? I'm wrong and you were lying, is that it?”

“Sarah, no! It's-!” she began, but Sarah just shook her head, hand snapping back to her side before it disappeared into a pocket.

“Save it, Cosima! I don't want to hear it anymore,” she spat as she whirled around, exiting the bathroom with an angry swish of beads.

“Where are you going?” Cosima pleaded, sounding pathetically desperate, but at that moment, she couldn't give a damn. Sarah was about to leave her alone, after promising not to do that very thing. Well... she never _did_ promise anything out loud. Cosima had just read between the lines.

As Cosima followed her through the room, Sarah slung her coat over her shoulders and grabbed her keys. “I can't be around here right now,” she replied, her voice hard, “And I promised Kira that I would see her today.”

Cosima's heart lifted a little at the mention of the little girl. “I haven't met-”

“God, no!” she slammed her hand on the metal of the loft door, the bang reverberating through the empty room, “You'll probably... try to hand her DNA off to Delphine.”

“Sarah,” Cosima began softly, making sure to keep her distance from the enraged woman, like someone would keep their distance from a lioness who was protecting her cubs, “You know I would never betray you like that and I would _never_ tell anyone about Kira. You have to believe me on that.”

She was silent for awhile, standing as still as Cosima had ever seen her. With a sudden movement, she reached up for the screwdriver and, as she unlatched the door, she turned back slightly, her gaze just barely visible past the curtain of her hair, “You sure know how to make a lie seem beautiful, Cos,” she said quietly, the last trace of her rage swallowed up by the undertow of her sadness.

“Sarah...,” Cosima spoke, taking two quick strides towards her, to catch her before she left, but Sarah's eyes, bright with unshed tears, had her halting in her steps.

“I'll be back later,” she said, her voice quivering only slightly as she pulled open the loft door and slammed it shut behind her, leaving Cosima to reluctantly latch it once more.

“Way to go, Cosima. You idiot,” she closed her eyes as she shook her head, breathing out a weary sigh. As she looked at the rusted metal of the door for a moment longer, the metallic clang of the door slamming shut still hanging in the air, she couldn't help but think that her impulsiveness really would end up having her die alone. She impulsively left Delphine to be with family, thinking that the biological connection to her sisters would be enough. Then her impulsive actions towards Sarah... those kisses....

But Sarah was different and she always had been. Just because she had been there for Cosima in the past didn't automatically set aside their differences. It didn't diminish the fact that they were completely different people who argued way too much. But they always managed to put that aside before. Now, however...

She sighed and finally turned from the door and headed back into the kitchen, where the coffee had long since been brewed. She turned on the warmer plate of the machine and searched the cupboards for a relatively clean mug while she waited for the liquid to heat back up again. After Cosima had gotten her coffee, she sat down on the couch with her laptop open in front of her about to attempt to focus on some research when her phone rang.

Her heart leapt when she thought that maybe it would be Sarah, calling to apologize and say that she changed her mind and that she actually wanted Cosima to meet Kira. _It hasn't been that long since she left, you idiot,_ she thought, but still couldn't help hoping as she reached for her pink phone first before she realized it was her other phone. Her stomach flip-flopped with nerves, knowing that only one person had that number and that person had told her to call as soon as she landed to make sure everything was alright. But because of all the emotional stress yesterday, calling Delphine was the _last_ thing on Cosima's mind. “Hey,” she said, trying to sound excited. Because she was, really. With everything happening between her and Sarah, it was nice to get back to something familiar. And that something was Delphine.

“Cosima, are you alright?” Delphine spoke, sounding slightly frantic, “You didn't call at all yesterday and I-”

“Delphine, relax,” Cosima told her, laughing despite herself. _She was way too paranoid sometimes,_ Cosima thought, _At least Sarah- No. Forget about her right now._ She sighed as she continued on, “There was a lot going on yesterday and getting things settled with Sarah took longer than I thought. I just.. fell asleep, that's all.”

A pause. And then, “Why did you go back Cosima?”

Delphine's question filled Cosima's stomach with ice, dread worming doubts into her mind.  _Why did I come back? Why?_ “I wanted to be close to family,” she replied, trying to force confidence into her voice, to make it sound less brittle and small than it already was. Because that was the truth. Not all of it, of course, but enough that she hoped that Delphine would drop the subject.

“Am I not family too?” she asked softly, her low voice sweeping over Cosima and filling her with guilt and regret at the stupid impulsive decision she made back in Minnesota.  _You're more than family,_ she wanted to say, but couldn't get the words out of her mouth. Because whatever she was, Delphine was  _not_ her biological imperative. And as much as she couldn't imagine dying alone, away from Delphine, she also couldn't even fathom what dying apart for her sisters would be like.  _Or from Sarah in particular...._

Instead of all this, she just sighed heavily and said, “I just... wasn't thinking.” She frowned, pinching the bridge of her nose as she leaned an elbow on her knee. What had she been hoping to accomplish anyways? Sure, she didn't want to die alone. But after leaving the one person who she knew would be there until the end and driving away the other person that she hoped would stay... well, her life felt very isolated at the moment.

“Do they even know?” Delphine asked quietly, her voice breaking through her thoughts, “About... your sickness?”

“Sarah knows,” she said quietly, hoping that Delphine wouldn't noticed the break in her voice as she spoke Sarah's name. Because Delphine couldn't know what had happened between them, she just couldn't. Not until Cosima knew exactly what  _it_ was that was going on between them. “She caught me while I was in the bathroom.” 

“Cherie...,” she said softly, her voice trailing off and leaving the line in a contemplative silence.

“What?”

“Sarah...,” she began, and Cosima felt her lungs seize up in panic, irrational thoughts about Delphine putting the pieces together already streaming through her mind. “That's the one with the foster brother, yes?”

_That?!_ Cosima thought, her panic overridden by angry disbelief at how easily she labeled Sarah as an 'experiment' by using the word  _that._ It was like Sarah wasn't even human to her, as if none of the clones were actually human! Maybe that's what made it so easy for her to up and betray Cosima to Leekie after such an intimate night.  _Screw your subject over,_ literally,  _record her reactions to betrayal and heartbreak and see if she reacts like an actual human being._ “Yes,” she replied, stressing her next words, “ _Sarah_ , the person, has a foster brother. Felix.”

“He was the one who told me that this 'Sarah' would... kick my willowy ass, I believe he put it,” Delphine said, her voice light that, had Cosima been able to see her, would have been accompanied with a smile. It wasn't lost on Cosima that she completely glossed over the statement about Sarah being human as well.

“I was there when he said it, Delphine. And he said that because he knew that Sarah would do anything to protect her  _family,_ ” she explained, surprised to find herself defending Felix against Delphine.  _But then,_ she thought,  _he was looking out for me yesterday, and he didn't complain when Sarah asked him if I could stay here, at_ his  _place._ But what surprised her more was the fact that she actually felt anger towards Delphine for a joke that would've once made her laugh, if only for the way that she tried to imitate Felix's accent. “A family that doesn't include you,” she finished before she could stop herself, her words sharp and cutting.

Delphine said nothing, the only thing that actually gave Cosima any indication that she had heard was the slight intake of breath on the other end of the line. It reminded Cosima of the last time that they fought like this; when she had said anything to get Delphine away from her. “Wait, no! Shit, Delphine, I-”

“I'm sorry,” she said, stealing the words from Cosima's mouth. But she sounded so far from it, the sentiment as blank and empty as the dial tone that now sounded in Cosima's ear. She pulled the phone back from her ear and stared at the screen that now said,  _Call disconnected._

“Shit,” she swore again, tossing her phone onto the cushion beside her as she rubbed her temples with her thumbs, leaning her head on her fingers for support. She looked at the data streaming across her laptop screen that was situated in front of her and felt a wave of helpless rage sweep over her. She couldn't seem to keep it together lately with her relationships and she hadn't made any headway with her research and it was driving her insane with frustration. Granted, she didn't have the right tools to make any actual progress while she was here, holed up in Felix's loft, but she had hoped that she would at least be able to make some sense of the numbers and data points that Delphine had sent along with her.

But so far, she hadn't been able to and with her fights with both Sarah and Delphine occupying the majority of her thoughts, she couldn't find the will to focus on much research. Still, she knew she couldn't entirely rely on Delphine and especially not now, not with Delphine probably mad at her. So, with a sigh, she tried to make some sense of the codes that she already had saved on her computer, noting that there was another DNA sequence from Delphine waiting in her inbox. Mousing over to the attachment, she downloaded that as well and set to work, blind to everything else except for the sickly green numbers that haunted her from behind her screen. _The cure is here somewhere,_ she thought desperately, _It has to be._

 

\- - -

 

The next time Cosima looked up at the clock, almost three hours had passed. She blinked and stretched, almost purring in contentment as she arched her back and slowly rose to her feet. It hit her out of the blue then, her vision dotting with tiny lights as her body adjusted to movement after a prolonged period of sitting hunched in front of her computer. That was normal. What wasn't normal was the sudden searing pain in her torso, starting at the base of her ribs and squeezing up her lungs, as if each of her lungs was a sodden sponge, over-saturated with blood.

_No!_ she screamed in her mind, lurching forward as she grabbed her jaw to keep it shut, feeling blood coat the inside of her throat and mouth. _Not here!_ she barely managed to think as she attempted to make her way over to the bathroom while blood seeped out through her interlocked fingers, her shoulders heaving from the force of her coughs. _No, no no..._ She looked ahead of herself and, through wobbling vision, realized just how _far_ away the bathroom was, even though it couldn't have been more than a few feet. _It can't end like this,_ she panicked, her head swimming, her lungs tearing themselves apart, bits of the tissue landing on her already gore-spattered palms. _Not after I came here to be with family..._

All at once, the war waged within her lungs halted, leaving her dizzy and lightheaded. Through her spotty vision, she vaguely noticed that the carnage from the attack was spewed out in front of her, splattering the couch and the carpet like some kind of murder scene. _Sarah will be so pissed,_ was her last thought before her body finally succumbed to the weariness that resulted from the fit, her vision blackening as she hit the floor.

 

\- - -

 

A strange, coppery scent filled her nose when she first came to. The out-of-place smell gave her enough cause to pry her eyelids open and try to figure out exactly where she was, to assess what had happened. When she finally had enough control over her eyesight, she realized that the smell was coming from the pool of her own blood that she had landed in. With a panicked gasp, she tried to sit up quickly, almost losing consciousness once again as blackness dotted her vision. _Easy Cosima,_ she told herself as she hesitantly raised her hand to her face, pulling away and taking in the semi-sticky blood that covered her fingers.

_I could have died,_ Cosima thought in dull shock, staring at her hand, _If I had hit my head during my fall or if I had landed the wrong way, I could have drowned in the smallest puddle of my own blood. I... I could have died. And I would have been completely alone._

Standing slowly, cautious of any sudden movements, Cosima made her way over to the bathroom to grab a towel and assess the damage. After taking a towel and wetting it down with water from the shower, she first turned her attention to her face, half of which was covered with flaking blood. She scrubbed at the offending stain, turning her head and arching her neck to get the proper angles on it to make sure she got everything. Then she rinsed the towel, wringing it out as she watched the red-tinted water flow down the drain before heading back out to the main room to attempt to remove most of the incriminating evidence.

As she cleaned, she couldn't stop thinking about how she could have died there, all alone. _I shouldn't have left Delphine,_ she snarled furiously at herself, scrubbing harder at the stain on the floor. _I shouldn't have left Minnesota at all. I can't find a cure in this shit hole, I really can't._ With thoughts of frustration, fear and loneliness keeping her company and fueling her work effort, she managed to clean most of the blood from her coughing attack before too much time had passed and was just rinsing out the towel for the final time when she heard faint footsteps and voices coming from beyond the door.

“Shit!” she hissed under her breath, looking for a place to put the dirty, sopping wet towel. She spotted what looked like a laundry hamper just outside the bathroom and quickly tossed it in there on her way back to her spot on the couch, where she was previously attempting her research. Just in time too, as the voices, now distinctly recognizable as Felix and Sarah, grew louder from behind the metal door.

Pretending to be immersed in research, she waited as Felix and Sarah came through the door, catching the tail end of their conversation. Which was more like an argument. “...taking good care of her, Fee, and she hasn't done anything suspicious, so-”

“Sarah, do you think it's a coincidence that your birth mother showed up now? And then right after she reveals that you and killer clone are _twins,_ Helena stabs her to death?!” Felix snapped back, shrugging off his coat and tossing it onto a chair, turning to Sarah and folding his arms, his back to Cosima now.

“That was just Helena being as batshit crazy as she always is,” Sarah said dismissively, but her movements were all wrong, the tightness in her jaw revealing the broken little girl beneath. _She met her birth mother?_ Cosima thought, her eyes gazing blankly at the screen as she listened in.

“Sarah,” Felix began, putting a hand on his foster sister's shoulder, his tone compassionate, “You did what you thought you needed to. Don't beat yourself up about it.”

“I should have been able to stop her,” she said quietly, shrugging away from Felix's comforting grip, “But it doesn't matter now, I... Cosima,” she cut herself off abruptly upon noticing the scientist sitting there, who had long since dropped all pretenses of pretending to work.

Cosima offered a weak smile, unable to work up a genuine one at Sarah's tone. _She's still angry,_ Cosima thought sadly as she turned back to her computer and poked a few keys morosely, trying to act like she didn't care what Sarah thought about her or how she acted around her. “Oi, oi, Cosima,” Felix greeted her after taking a moment to glance between his foster sister and her dreadlocked clone.

“Hey,” she replied, one side of her lips quirking upwards in Felix's direction at the warmth in his tone as he walked towards her. She glanced past him, watching Sarah pour herself a glass of alcohol before sitting down heavily in the chair that was the furthest across the room.

“Are you alright?” he asked her as he sat down on the couch with her, his eyes studying her in concern. “I mean, with the.. you know.”

“With the dying?” Cosima replied, laughing darkly at herself, the sound getting choked off with a punctuating series of short, deep coughs. Even though she faced Felix, Cosima was more concerned with Sarah's reaction that she caught out of the corner of her eye and the way that her expression just... fell, crumpling together as she shot the barest of glances over in Cosima's direction. Her expression read pain, but her eyes told a story that Cosima didn't have time to read before she looked away.

“What's that?” Felix asked suddenly, his own hand rising absently to the right side of his neck. “Right there.. well it looks like.. it looks like blood.” _Shit,_ Cosima thought, rising quickly. “Cosima!” he called after her as she headed for the bathroom to look into the mirror. Once again, she wet down a towel and began rubbing at the offending spot until her skin was so red raw that she could no longer tell if the blood was still there or not. In the background she heard Felix, “...go in there and talk to her. She'll listen to you.”

Cosima sighed as she dropped the towel in the sink, watching Sarah's reflection grow closer in the mirror. “Cos?” she asked, tugging the beads aside, but otherwise making no move to approach Cosima any more than that. Cosima noted her expression in the mirror before turning; it was cold and distant, but concern was evident in her tautness of her neck muscles.

“I'm fine Sarah,” she told her, gathering up the partially wet towel in her hands as she turned around to face Sarah, vaguely noting the distance between them, unconsciously taking a small step forward to lessen it.

“Okay, good,” Sarah answered, her voice flat as she turned and headed back to her previous position on the chair with her alcohol.

_Sarah...,_ Cosima thought, wincing at the pain that she caused her. _And all because I can't control my actions. Shit._ “Wait,” she called out, pushing past the curtain as she strode out to follow Sarah into the main area of the room. She took a deep breath and approached her carefully, noting the blankness of her expression that was broken only by the small downturn of her lips. Standing in front of her, she bit her own lip nervously before taking a small breath and confessing quietly, “Actually... I’m not alright, Sarah. I'm... I don't... I.. I’m scared.”

Sarah, who had been determinedly ignoring her at this point, shot a look over at her, her eyes clouding with resentment and pain. And fear. “I know,” Sarah replied, her voice choked up. “Me too, Cos.”

“But you're not-” she began but Sarah just shook her head and turned back to her drink for another gulp.

“Don't,” she said, clenching the glass so hard that her whole hand shook, the surface of the liquid within rippling.

“Sarah...,” Cosima started again, reaching over to steady her hand, afraid that she might lose her grip and drop the cup, but Sarah pulled away to take another drink.

“Don't talk about you dying Cos,” she said harshly, finishing the alcohol and pushing the now empty glass onto the table, sending it skidding down the length before stopping precariously on the edge. “Don't you fucking dare mention it!”

“But Sarah...,” she ventured again, slightly relieved when she didn't cut her off this time. _I have to tell her. She needs to know. After waking up alone earlier...._ “That's... why I’m here.” At another look from Sarah, she continued hesitantly, sitting down on the other end of the couch as she did so. “I didn't fly down from Minneapolis for the reason you think. It had nothing to do with Delphine, or making her jealous.” _Though... those kisses...._

“Alright,” she allowed, tipping her head slightly in Cosima's direction, indicating that she should continue, her voice tinged with what Cosima discerned as a small amount of hope.

“I came here because... because I didn't want to die alone,” she admitted quietly, her voice small in the presence of the fear that weighed down on her mind. She took in a shaky breath as she waited for Sarah to say something, feeling her bottom lip start to quiver as she watched the woman across from her study her features.

All at once, Sarah's anger towards Cosima vanished, replaced by the anxiety and concern that had taken a backseat to the rage. She shuffled over to Cosima and didn't hesitate to put an arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer so that Cosima could lean against her. “Cos... I'm here, alright? Even if we fight, I'm here.”

Cosima took another deep breath to control the tremor that had overtaken her voice and tried to tell Sarah that she was sorry. “Look, Sarah... I...”

“No,” Sarah said, firmly but without any hint of anger, “You don't need to say anything, Cos. It's fine. I overstepped my boundaries and it'll never happen again, yeah? So just... leave it.”

_What if I want it to happen again?_ she thought, but forced the thought out of her mind. _Delphine,_ she reminded herself. “Don't leave me to die alone,” she whispered quietly after a few tense moments.

Sarah tightened her grip around her slim shoulders and placed a hesitant kiss on the top of her head, hoping that in doing so she wasn't going too far. When Cosima didn't react, she breathed a small inward sigh of relief and said, “You wont ever be alone, got it? I wont ever let you be alone, and I will _not_ let you die alone.”

_But I almost did,_ Cosima thought, thinking back to the terror of waking up alone in Felix's flat and getting goosebumps at the mere recollection. Sarah noticed the way that she shivered and squeezed her shoulder lightly while tangling their fingers together in a way that was comfortingly familiar. “Hey... shh.. it's okay. I wont leave you Cos. You'll be fine, yeah? I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been working on this fic for quite some time now (as evident by some of the dialogue and circumstances within this fic; Sarah's birth mother for instant; season 1 throwback anyone?), so try to keep that in mind as the story progresses! :) Season 3 hadn't even been /close/ to airing while I was writing this chapter (and maybe even some of season 2?? I dunno, it's been awhile) so yeah, basically this fic will be canon compliant through the first season and that's basically it.


	3. Chapter 3

“I can't do anything in this place, Sarah!” she growled, her hands flying about to gesture wildly around to the space that was Felix's flat a few weeks after Sarah's promise. “I don't have the proper tools to actually be of any use!” she finished, hitting a few keys to emphasize her next words, the computer beeping angrily in response.

“Then why the hell did you leave the university in the first place?!” she threw back, glaring at Cosima as she paused mid-pour, the coffee pot hovering aimlessly over her mug.

“You already know the answer to that,” she said, her volume low, but her tone as angry as Sarah had ever heard it.

Realization flashed across her face at Cosima's statement and her shoulders dropped, her body language weary. “Shit, right,” Sarah replied, wincing at her poor choice of words as she set down the coffee pot, her mug still empty. “Sorry.”

“Whatever,” she replied, the conversation grinding to an awkward halt once again. Sarah sighed as Cosima returned back to the DNA streaming across her screen. She didn't know just how many times that this had happened over the past three and a half weeks; their relationship straining to the breaking point. And Cosima's sickness hovering in the air didn't help ease any tension either, as it was an ever-present ominous presence hanging just on the edges of their peripherals.

“Cos... you _know_ I'm here for you, yeah?” Sarah asked, finally pouring her coffee and coming over to sit on the other end of the couch, mindful of Cosima's laptop as she sipped at the hot liquid.

“I know,” she replied, dismissively at first, causing another sigh to escape Sarah's lips before she could stop it. Cosima sat back and rolled her shoulders, her own sigh mixing into the air as well. “I know,” she answered, her voice softer as she looked over at Sarah who now sat with her near-empty coffee mug dangling between her knees, the fingers of one hand playing with the rim and handle.

“You've been stuck inside too long,” Sarah said decisively after a moment, setting down the ceramic cup on the table with a definitive thud.

“Oh?” Cosima asked, arching her eyebrow at Sarah's sudden change in topic.

“Yeah,” Sarah continued, “I think you need to get out for a bit.”

Cosima sat, torn, her eyes flicking back and forth between Sarah and her computer. _The cure_ has _to be in my genetic coding somehow!_ she protested inwardly, _I just need to keep looking for it. I don't have time to do anything else._ She turned back to Sarah, her mouth opening to explain this when she found herself asking another question entirely, “What did you have in mind, exactly?”

Sarah smiled, taking her question as a yes. She stood and grabbed her coat, slinging it over her shoulders as she headed to the door. “Come on. It'll be a surprise,” Sarah beckoned, just reaching for the screwdriver when Cosima's other phone, the one that wasn't covered in pink silicone, rang.

She sighed again, putting up a finger in Sarah's direction. “Delphine,” she said by way of explanation. Sarah nodded once tersely, letting her hand fall aimlessly by her side.

“Hey,” she said, turning away from Sarah to give herself the illusion of privacy. Plus, she didn't want to watch the way that Sarah's expression soured as she animatedly continued her conversation with Delphine. “Any news?”

“A minor breakthrough, more coded messages relating to the DYAD Institute. But that's not why I called, cherie,” Delphine explained, her words rushed, her tone filled with.... longing? _Not good,_ she thought, feeling once again torn between her biological imperative and the woman she... well, she wasn't sure she wanted to label her feelings with that four letter word yet.

“Oh?” she asked, Delphine's words setting her on edge, causing her to pace around the room out of nerves, unconsciously placing herself further away from Sarah. “Then why did you call?”

“I miss you,” she said, her voice dropping to that low timbre that always had Cosima melting. But that was before she kissed Sarah. Before Sarah didn't push her away.

“I.. miss you too,” Cosima replied, her voice catching only slightly. Because she really _did_ miss Delphine... she did. She needed normalcy in her life once again and Delphine _was_ that normalcy. Despite the fact that their relationship began in the midst of the clone chaos, a semblance of a routine had settled in as they lived their days together. But then Cosima moved away from her life with Delphine to come to Canada. _And for what? What did it accomplish? What did Sarah have that Delphine didn't?_

“Why don't you come back, Cosima?” she asked, sorely tempting her.

She stopped pacing, closed her eyes and let her head fall back loosely. “I... need to be here,” she replied softly. _Family. That's what Sarah had, what Sarah was. She was family._

“But Cosima,” she reasoned, “You can't be getting any work done where you're staying! You do not have the proper equipment!”

“I know that Delphine,” she explained, pursing her lips as she resolutely kept her back to Sarah, wanting no external visual cues to convince her one way or another. Thinking was hard enough with just Delphine's voice in one ear. Seeing the look of disappointment on Sarah's face if she knew what Cosima was considering would make things even harder.

“So come back,” she pleaded, “What can I say to convince you, cherie?”

“Nothing that I haven't already thought of myself, Delphine,” she replied in frustration, the only thing keeping the full-on blow out at bay was the voice in the back of her head that said that Delphine was right and that she was an idiot for even deciding to come here in the first place.

“Then come home,” she said earnestly, her simple words driving nails into Cosima's heart.

_Home?_ she scoffed inwardly to herself, _I don't have a home._ “I don't even know where _home_ is, Delphine,” she told her instead flatly.

“Right here,” she said earnestly.

“Where-?”

“With me.”

Cosima froze at those two simple words. _Was it really that easy? Could Delphine really be what she was looking for, what she left Minneapolis to find? Things really didn't have to be all that complicated, did they?_

“Cos? You alright?”

_Yes,_ she thought as she heard Sarah's voice break in through the silence finally, _Things_ really did _have to be that complicated._ “Just a sec Delphine,” she said and covered the phone as she turned to Sarah and plastered on a smile. “I'm fine Sarah.”

_Bullshit,_ her expression plainly read, made more obvious by the way she folded her arms and tilted her head to the side. Cosima sighed, releasing the tension from her shoulders, her free hand finding her forehead in anxiety.

“Cherie?” Delphine's voice came over the phone, tiny and muffled by Cosima's hand.

“I-” she began, looking apologetically at Sarah before she uncovered the speaker once again.

“It's fine, Cos,” she told her, putting up a tired hand, “You need to take that.”

“Thanks,” she answered, shooting a grateful look at the other woman before putting the phone back to her ear, turning once again. “Delphine?”

“Yes, cherie, I'm here,” she replied, “Did I upset you with-”

_With talk about home,_ Cosima was sure she was about to say, so she cut her off abruptly, “No, impossible,” she said quickly, “I'm fine.”

“That is good,” Delphine said, her tone warm and relieved. _She couldn't know. She couldn't realize just how badly I want a home,_ she thought, closing her eyes against the impending tears. _At least Sarah and I have that in common._

“Cosima...?” she heard Sarah say hesitantly in the background. She shook her head and waved a hand vaguely in her direction; she  _ definitely  _ didn't need Sarah's input right now. Thankfully, Sarah was tactful enough to walk away from the conversation, heading instead to Felix's alcohol cabinet for some wine. 

“Look, Delphine,” Cosima said abruptly, cutting her off mid-sentence. She winced inwardly, not at all comfortable with the way the conversation was going. But she needed to sort some things out on her own before she could come clean to the French woman and she couldn't do that with temptations on either side. “Trust me when I say that I've been thinking about it, okay? And I'll keep thinking about it.”

“Cosima, I-” the French woman began in earnest, but Cosima cut her off once again.

“That's all I can say right now, Delphine,” she told her with a sigh. “I'm sorry. There's just... a lot of things are happening, alright? I need time. Can you give me that? Please?”

“What things?” Delphine offered, “Is it anything that I can help you with?”

Cosima bit back a huff of frustration and just said shortly, “Just... keep looking for something, okay?”

“Of course, cherie,” she replied after a quiet moment, her tone disappointed. “I should go.”

She bit her lip, fighting the desire to keep her on the phone so that they could resolve _something_ in regards to where they stood with each other now, but she had kept Sarah waiting long enough. “Sure,” she just said, murmuring a goodbye before hanging up, sighing as she turned back to Sarah.

“Everything alright?”

She just shrugged in response, reaching for her own coat now and said, “We were going to go somewhere?”

Sarah nodded once, striding towards the door, reaching again for the screwdriver that kept the latch shut. Then, in a move that evoked a strong sense of deja vu in Cosima's mind, Sarah turned slowly, still gripping the base of the tool loosely. “You sure you're alright?” she asked quietly, her eyes tracing Cosima's features like she wanted to memorize every inch of them. _But what was she seeing that she hadn't already seen in a mirror, millions of times over?_

“I...,” _just want a home,_ she thought, but couldn't say. That wouldn't be fair to Sarah, to either of them. She couldn't tell Sarah that she wanted a home. What would that suggest anyway? That she wanted a home with _Sarah?_ Yeah, that would go over well. “Why do you care anyways?”

“Cause, I just...,” she began as well, but then her face fell, lips sneering slightly. “I want to know if you're doing alright.”

_No, I'm not. I'm dying,_ she thought bitterly, feeling her own features fall into a scowl to match Sarah's, her muscles unaccustomed to such placement. “It doesn't matter,” she said eventually, trying to step past her, to brush it off like she did with Delphine.

But Sarah wasn't as easily swayed. “Whatever you were talking about with Delphine has got you pretty upset, Cos, don't say that it hasn't,” she tacked on when she noted the way that Cosima opened her mouth to protest. “Now what's the matter?”

She sighed and gave in, realizing that Sarah would react badly no matter when she found out. “Delphine wants me to go back to be with her,” she explained quietly, glancing at Sarah briefly before her eyes found the floor. “To go... home.”

At her words, the air in the room went deadly still. “And what did you tell her?” Sarah asked finally, her voice sharp and radiating mistrust.

“I told her I'd think about it,” Cosima shrugged, trying to make it sound like it really was no big deal, but she was still staring at the floor, hesitant to meet Sarah's eyes.

“Cosima,” Sarah said seriously, her tone laced with something that Cosima couldn't place. “You can't.”

At this, Cosima's head snapped up, her expression already formed into one of annoyed frustration. “Sarah, you can't tell me what to do,” she snapped, stepping into her personal space, her eyes flinty as she met Sarah's gaze. “If I want to leave, I will and the fact that you're bossing me around makes me want to stay even less, so, if you don't mind,” she said, reaching out to shove Sarah aside, but was stopped in her tracks when Sarah grabbed her arm, her grip like a vice.

“Cosima, you-” Sarah protested furiously.

“Sarah, stop,” she growled, “You can't prevent me from leaving. Not when it was my decision to come here in the first place.”

“You asked me to look after you!” she exclaimed, pulling on her elbow so that they stood nearly flush against each other, glaring defiantly into each other's eyes, neither willing to give an inch.

“Delphine can look after me too,” she replied, her gaze narrowing.

“You asked _me,_ Cosima,” she snapped, “Not Delphine. If you wanted Delphine to look after you, you wouldn't have left her!”

“Don't pretend to know my every reason for acting the way I do, Sarah,” Cosima told her harshly, “Because you don't.”

“Oh yeah?” she shot right back, “Explain it to me then.”

“Gladly,” Cosima scoffed, sticking her nose right in Sarah's face petulantly.

“Bloody hell Cos,” Sarah just muttered before jerking on her arm, bringing her a step closer before leaning in the slightest bit and kissing her passionately.

It was the first kiss that Sarah herself actually initiated. But unlike the previous kisses that they shared, when Cosima had made the first move, this kiss was very different. Something about the feel of it, how it wasn't just a means to an end, had her bringing her arms up to rest on Sarah's shoulders, had her tangling her fingers in Sarah's hair. When Cosima had kissed her first, it had just been a desperate attempt to keep reality at bay. But now, with the both of them sinking into the kiss like nothing else mattered, Cosima noticed that that's never what it was with Sarah. Sarah wasn't trying to distract herself from the reality that her clone was dying, or that Helena was on the loose. She wasn't trying to accomplish anything other than finding a way to comfort Cosima.

“That's why you can't leave, Cos,” Sarah said after stepping back reluctantly, her hands still cupped around Cosima's face. Cosima let her fingers untangle from Sarah's brown locks so that she could grasp at her wrists. Though whether she wanted to pull her closer or push her away wasn't clear to her, not after that third kiss. “I know it's selfish and stupid and, god, narcissistic but... that's why I need you here. Not in Minneapolis. Here. And I couldn't let you leave without letting you know that.”

“Sarah...,” Cosima said slowly, staring at her with new-found wonder. Now that Delphine had been completely driven from her mind, nothing stopped the feelings that flooded her body at that moment. No guilt, no betrayal, just.. Sarah.

“What?” she asked nervously, her hands still held to Cosima's face as Cosima's hands were at her wrists.

“Just... stop talking,” she smirked at her, shaking her head for a moment before letting her arms drop back around Sarah's shoulders, pressing her lips against Sarah's once more.

And, hell, maybe it was a bit selfish the way she went about it, but Cosima couldn't really complain about the way that Sarah was trying to convince her to stay. Not with the soft noises of contentment that Sarah made from underneath her. Not with the way she watched her eyes close slowly. Not when Sarah's lips on hers felt so.. _right._

For once, Cosima's ever-spinning mind lost the ability to describe the chills running up and down her spine, the sensations that invaded her body. More than that, she lost the desire to try as she lost herself to something else once again. _No,_ Cosima thought vaguely, _Not something. Someone._

“So I'm guessing this means that you'll stay then, yeah?” Sarah smirked as she pulled back ever so slightly, her hands still tangled in Cosima's dreads, her fingers weaving through one strand at a time.

“Sarah, I...,” Cosima began, trying to process what the hell had just happened. Sarah kissed her, yes. And she had, once again, kissed Sarah. But now, with the adrenaline fading from her veins, she found that she could think more clearly. And her brain was tormenting her with the guilt and betrayal that refused to haunt her while she was entangled in everything that was Sarah. She shook her head slowly, taking a step back, feeling Sarah's fingers slide from her dreads. “I can't, Sarah. I... I just can't do this to her.”

“This?” Sarah asked, sounding so very vulnerable after their shared moment of intimacy. Then her expression hardened into a frown as she put pieces together in her mind. “What are you even trying to do, Cosima?”

“Do?” Cosima asked, nonplussed, “Sarah, I'm not trying to-”

“What, so, this is all some kind of sick experiment to you, is that it? Yeah? Just a test, maybe a favor that that bloody French woman asked you to do, to see if falling for your clone was possible?” she snapped, reaching out and shoving slightly at Cosima's shoulders, her anger growing within her.

“Sarah, stop,” Cosima told her, putting her hands up in a placating manner, hoping to tame the growing rage within her mirror image.

And, surprisingly, Sarah did, but a sneer was still directed in Cosima's direction and her fists were still balled up at her sides. “So you want to leave, yeah?” she asked, her voice dangerously soft. “Then leave, Cosima.”

“Sarah, no, let's just-” Cosima began, trying desperately to hold her own against the volatile being that Sarah was slowly morphing into.

But she was no match for the punk who stood before her. “Go _home_ to Delphine,” she snarled, ripping the screwdriver viciously upwards from the holder and shoving the metal door back, leaving the apartment with a gaping hole into the hallway. “Get out,” she told her, in a voice that reminded Cosima so much of herself when she had said that exact same thing to Delphine the first time they fought.

“Sarah, you haven't been an ex-” Cosima protested, holding her ground against the other woman somehow.

“Get out, Cosima!” she snapped, pointing towards the door sharply. “Get out before I push you down the stairs myself!”

“Please, Sarah,” Cosima began as she took a step closer to Sarah, suddenly realizing how much distance there was between them since they broke off from the kiss. “You...,” she stalled to gather herself, taking a shaky breath inward before continuing, “You don't know what I risked to come here, okay?”

“Oh, I'm sure you risked so much since you just want to go right back!” she scoffed, glare still locked in place on her face.

“I left Delphine,” Cosima continued on, overriding Sarah's scorn quickly, “I left because I... I thought I belonged here, you know, with family. Right, but.. I'm wondering now what family really means, to you. You came into this.. this whole cloning thing late, alright, I get it. You haven't had enough time to fully form the bonds that Alison and I have or that Beth and I... had,” she paused in her calm arguments to pull in a slow breath, closing her eyes for a moment as she remembered. She didn't see Sarah's expression soften as she continued, finding it easier to explain her reasons to the darkness instead. “But I had hoped that our relationship had grown enough for you to.. to help me when I needed it.”

“Cos...,” Sarah started slowly, her voice drawing closer as she spoke, “I don't know what's going on in that crazy geek mind of yours, but we bicker like bloody hell all the time! What about any part of that made you think that I would be the one to help you first? You said it, that you and Alison have been leaning on each other a lot longer before I came into the picture. So why me? Why hope that I'll help you?”

“Because Alison's all about keeping her image,” Cosima laughed as she opened her eyes to discover Sarah standing right where she had been before their kiss. Cosima sobered up then, her lips parting slightly as she considered her next words. “Honestly Sarah... it's because you know what it's like to feel like you don't belong anywhere.”

Several expressions flashed across Sarah's face at that moment, too fast for Cosima to catch a single one of them. But the words that came tumbling out of her mouth soon clarified at least one of them. “God, Cos... I am so sorry,” she reached up and ran both hands through her hair as she winced, “Bloody hell, I'm an idiot! You were trying to feel like you belonged here and I just... because of Delphine and my emotions and... bloody Christ...”

“Sarah, relax,” Cosima insisted, watching the other woman unravel slightly. “We've both been... under a lot of pressure, okay? With Helena on the loose and.. well, you know,” she finished, a cough punctuating her statement lamely.

“Yeah,” she said softly, “I know.” Sarah scuffed her toe against the floor, her hand finding her hair again. After a moment of silence she said, “Has there been... anything yet? From Delphine I mean. About.. a cure?”

“No,” Cosima sighed, pursing her lips and squinting a bit. “She said that the DNA that she managed to decode only talked more about the DYAD Institute. Probably just elaborating further on the patent.”

“Cos, she'll find-”

“Why is my door gaping open?” a voice called from down the hallway, followed by a muttered, “Christ, if Sarah forgot to lock up...”

“Hey Fee,” Sarah tossed over her shoulder as Felix came into the flat, his arms laden with groceries.

“Oh, so you two are here,” he said, dumping the bags onto the counter before shrugging off his coat. “Should've guessed.”

“What's that supposed to mean then?” Sarah asked, glancing at her foster brother in confusion as Cosima moved to help Felix put things away.

He just shrugged in response, looking over at the dreadlocked woman who had started sorting through the items in the bag. “Since you've holed up here Cosima, my grocery bill hasn't been looking so friendly,” he told her, sounding stern to the untrained ear.

“Oh, god, Felix,” she stuttered, “I.. I know, I just.. I don't have the money to-”

“Fee,” Sarah rolled her eyes, cutting Cosima off as she walked towards the pair by the counter. “Relax, Cos,” she said to the other woman, placing a hand gently on her arm, “He's just teasing.” She turned to Felix again and said, “Cut her some slack, yeah? She's....”

The word hung heavily in the air between the three of them and Felix nodded after a moment. “You'll figure something out,” he assured her, nodding minutely. “Between you and the needy bitch-”

“Felix!” Sarah exclaimed, whacking him on the arm, “Show a little more respect yeah? She did help Cosima crack the DNA code, alright?”

“It's okay Sarah,” Cosima shrugged, turning to Felix, “You don't have to like her, but she _is_ working on something up in Minnesota. She's on our side.”

He paused, watching Cosima carefully as he deliberated. “I still don't trust her. And since Sarah's apparently gone soft-”

“Oi!” she exclaimed, “I haven't gone-”

“You don't have to trust her, Felix,” Cosima overrode them both, wanting to make herself clear. “You just have to trust me, alright? She knows what she's doing.”

“Fine,” he said after a moment, going back to the groceries that Cosima had previously sorted. He put a few boxes away, both Sarah and Cosima watching his actions. “But only because I trust you,” he said after he turned back around and had discovered them both staring at him, “I'm not losing any love to that Frenchie. She needs to do a lot more than follow you across the border like some adoring lap dog to gain my trust.”

 

\- - -

 

“Sarah, you should go home,” Felix said to her later that night, noting the bags under her eyes with some concern. “Get some sleep, be with Kira.”

“I can't leave her Fee,” Sarah gestured to Cosima, who was on the couch with her laptop open in front of her, her eyes tracking across the screen as she talked intently on the phone. “I feel... responsible for her somehow.”

“Kira needs you,” he said softly, “I can call you if anything comes up over here, yeah?”

Sarah deliberated, a smile ghosting across her lips as she thought about her little daughter. But despite the thoughts of Kira drifting through her brain, her eyes couldn't help but be drawn over to Cosima. She ran a hand through her hair while she thought it through. “You two might tear each other to strips if I leave,” she said instead, unwilling to tell Felix the real reason why she was hesitant to leave; that she felt an inexplicable attraction to... herself, essentially.

“She has a horrible taste in women and can be bloody frustrating at times,” Felix began, looking over at the couch where Cosima sat, now with her head in her hands, looking completely worn out, “But sometimes, I see you in her. And when I do, I have to care. I wouldn't leave her stranded any more than I would you.”

“But she's not me,” Sarah pointed out.

“I know that,” he gave with a small shrug, “But you care about her and that's enough for me.”

“About that, Fee...,” she began slowly, deciding to just screw it and tell him. Especially since it had all been happening under _his_ roof after all.

Across the room, Cosima let out a frustrated sigh, followed by the abrupt slap of her laptop shutting. “I'm going to bed,” she shook her head, “I can't work anymore and Delphine's gone to bed because of an early lecture tomorrow.” She started to shuffle off towards the big bed in the middle of the room before she turned and remembered awkwardly, “Oh... uh, Felix, are you.. um, going back to.. uh, Colin's?”

“While I'm sure he wouldn't mind,” Felix began, nudging his way past Cosima, “And he is a nice boy, I would like to sleep in my own bed tonight. There will be room on the couch,” he finished, pointing over his shoulder.

“Room on the... oh. Sure, yeah,” she nodded, glancing at Sarah, “What about you?”

“Um... going back to S's,” she shrugged, like it didn't matter. “Check in on Kira.”

“Alright,” Cosima said slowly, shifting her weight so that she almost looked at Sarah sideways as the other woman got her coat. “Goodnight then,” she added, her voice tipping upwards so it came out more like a question.

“Yeah. Night,” Sarah replied, her words cut awkwardly as she took a hesitant step towards Cosima and offered her arms out for a hug.

“I guess I'll see you tomorrow?” she said as she accepted the embrace and pressed into Sarah for a moment longer.

“Of course,” Sarah said, and Cosima could feel her nod within their hold. Then Sarah pulled back, but not without placing a small kiss to Cosima's temple first. “Night Fee,” she called past Cosima's shoulder.

“Don't you bloody forget to close the door behind you this time, yeah?” he shouted after her as Sarah headed out and made an exaggerated show of shutting the sliding metal door shut behind her. “Don't know why the bloody thing was gaping wide open in the first place,” he muttered as he tramped past Cosima and shoved the screwdriver home.

“That was Sarah,” Cosima felt compelled to explain, “She.. uh.. was going to kick me out.”

“She what?” Felix said sharply, looking over at her.

“We kinda fought. Sorta,” she elaborated vaguely, leaving the details out and hoping that Felix wouldn't pry.

He snickered a bit, “You can't 'sorta' fight with my sister, Cosima,” he explained when she gave him an odd look. “When her temper hits, nothing really stops her.”

“I guess she wasn't really that angry then,” Cosima shrugged, heading towards the bathroom so she could get herself settled in for the night. And hope that she would be able to sleep through it, for once.

“What were you two going on about?” he asked her as she started to scrub off her eyeliner and mascara.

_Oh, it started when your sister kissed me, no problem or anything,_ she thought in her head wryly, Sure, that would go over well. “Actually, it's not really any of your business,” Cosima shrugged instead and patted her face dry.

He gave her another one of those long looks in the mirror before saying, “Sarah, and whatever happens to her, _is_ my business, Cosima. So if you did anything to piss her off, or hurt in her any way-”

“Please,” Cosima huffed, pushing past the curtain of beads and walking back into the main room, “She was the one who kissed me first, so if she's pissed about that, that's her problem.”

One look at Felix's face had Cosima realizing her error. He stood before her, eyebrows raised, an uncertain frown tugging at his lips. “Say again?” he asked, watching Cosima closely.

She sighed, knowing that she had to follow through with it now. “Okay, well, technically that's not what happened. I mean, well, it is, but... maybe we should sit down.”

“Am I going to need alcohol for this, Cosima?” he asked her frankly as he watched her curl up on the couch, feet tucked underneath her.

“Your choice,” she shrugged, watching him pull down a bottle from his cabinet and immediately downing a shot. “Okay, well, it's not _that_ bad,” Cosima put in as he poured some more liquor on the rocks before coming to sit beside her.

“It's not everyday that you find out that your sister has been shagging someone who looks exactly like her,” he replied, before glancing at Cosima's figure, “Although, can't say that I blame her-”

“Hey!” Cosima exclaimed, “We have _not_ been shagging Felix!”

“Yeah, what would you even call that anyways? Incest? Masturbation?” he asked, taking a sip from his drink.

“It would be called _sex,_ Felix,” she rolled her eyes, remembering how she had thought the same question not all that long ago. “I'm a person and Sarah's a person. The fact that we look the same, well, it doesn't really matter when we've all been living apart and different lifestyles and... well, it doesn't matter.”

“So if you two haven't been shagging,” he said, causing Cosima to roll her eyes once again, “What's going on then?”

“I.. guess you could say I started it first,” Cosima shrugged her shoulders and put her hands up, shaking her head slightly. “The kissing thing, that is,” she added at Felix's questioning look. “I was tired and wasn't thinking straight and.. well, she was just _there._ I don't know why, Felix, I still can't figure it out.”

“Well, obviously that wasn't the end of it, yeah?” he asked her, throwing back the last of his drink and set his glass down on the table in front of him, ice rattling.

Cosima just shook her head. “After you left that one night, Sarah came over and, well... okay, she slept with me. But we were not.. we didn't do anything!” Cosima said quickly to head Felix off before he made any insinuations, “I was already asleep at the time anyways and I didn't find out until after I had woke up the next morning.”

“Bet you weren't too happy about that, being in the arms of another woman other than your Frenchie and all,” Felix smirked.

“That's just it,” she sighed, dropping her hands onto her lap.

“Just what?”

Instead of answering right away, she stood and crossed over to the other side of the couch and went to her suitcase. With her back to Felix, she crouched by her suitcase and pulled off her shirt. Based off of what she knew of the man, modesty wasn't something that would be an issue with him. Still with her back to him, she continued with a sigh, “It... felt nice. I freaked out at her for doing it but.. well. She made me feel... safe, I guess. Like I belonged somewhere.”

“My sister doesn't take rejection well, you know,” Felix put in as she bundled up her pajamas in one fist and headed over to the bathroom again.

“And?” she asked over her shoulder, raising her voice slightly as she went to the sink to brush her teeth.

“Well, with you pushing away from her after it's so obvious that she just wanted to make sure that you were alright it's no wonder you two had a bloody row,” he said as Cosima looked into the mirror, watching him shrug.

“That isn't... well, maybe,” she hesitated, pushing her dreads out of the way so that she could spit into the sink. “That's not why we fought.”

“Oh? Well what was it then?”

“She... well, Delphine called right before we were going to head out today, Sarah said she thought I needed to get some fresh air,” Cosima began to explain, pausing for a moment to rinse her mouth one last time, noting that the water she spat out hardly ran red. _That was a good sign, at least, after everything that's happened today,_ she thought with a grim smile.

“She's right about that,” he said, his voice coming from over by the dresser as Cosima pushed past the bead curtain again, changed into her pajamas now. “You've been cooped up in here for... well, ever since you flew in, yeah? So about a month. There's only so much staring at your computer that you can do, you know.”

“And I was going to go out! But then Delphine called,” she said heavily, putting a hand to her forehead as she pushed at the skin of her temples.

“Oh,” he said, his voice less than impressed. “And what did she want.”

“She wanted me to.. to come home,” she frowned, sinking onto the couch and dropping her clothes into her suitcase.

“Home? Back to Minneapolis you mean?” he asked her as he also got ready for bed, slipping into one of his usual kimonos.

“Yeah,” she shrugged, tugging off her glasses before flopping over onto the couch, her next words rising to the ceiling now. “But she didn't say it like that, exactly.”

“How did she say it then?” he called over his shoulder as he went to the foot of his bed to fix his duvet before turning off the rest of the lights in the room.

“She told me...,” she began slowly, finding it surprisingly easy to open up to Felix. Easier than she thought it would be. “That she wanted me to come home so I could.. be with her.”

“Well,” Felix said, the word coming out on a punctuated breath of air, “It's hardly been a month and I still think she's a needy bitch.”

“I told you that you don't have to like her, but could you at least not insult her with every other sentence that comes out of your mouth?” she huffed, annoyed.

“Sorry,” he said, not sounding anywhere close to it, “I guess I forgot that she actually means something to you.”

“Of course she does!” Cosima protested, affronted at his audacity.

“And Sarah?” he questioned slyly.

She looked over quickly at the bed where Felix was just a pink and blue blur getting settled into bed. “What do you mean? What about Sarah?”

“Does Sarah mean something to you?” he asked her as Cosima watched him pull the blankets up around his waist before rolling over onto his side.

“Of course she means something to me, obviously!” Cosima said, resting her chin on the back of the couch for a moment before lifting her head and falling back onto her pillow. “She's my sister, my biological imperative. She couldn't _not_ mean anything to me.”

“You know I don't mean it like that,” Felix replied, his voice serious, “Those kisses, Cosima, did they mean something to you?”

Cosima was silent for awhile, clenching her jaw for a few moments. “I don't know what you mean,” she finally said in a tight voice.

“When you kissed Sarah, did you feel something?” he asked insistently, “Because if you did Cosima, if those kisses actually meant something and I swear if you don't tell her-”

“Goodnight, Felix,” Cosima said firmly, rolling over onto her side so that her face was nearly stuffed into the back of the couch. The back of the couch that still smelled faintly of Sarah from all the times previous that she had slept there.

It was silent for a few precious moments, long enough for Cosima to hope that he had dropped it. A hope that was soon proven to be false when his voice burst through the silence, “And I know Sarah and I know what she feels even if she doesn't tell me and I know when she's in-”

“Felix!” Cosima grumbled, sticking her head in between her pillow and the back of the couch, “Enough, I'm tired, alright? Just... let me sleep.”

There was a frustrated sigh from the other side of the room, followed by a rustle of fabric but otherwise the room was quiet. Cosima sighed as well, trying not to think of the words that Felix had said and what he had been about to say. And what they meant for her own self.

 

\- - -

 

This time it was Felix who was woken by the sounds of Cosima's crying. He groaned into his pillow and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but there was a small thought in his head that just wouldn't go away. _That's Sarah,_ it said, _And when have you ever left Sarah alone to cry by herself?_

_Not Sarah,_ he grumbled back at himself, but Cosima continued to cry even as he thought it. “Bloody hell,” he sighed, slipping out of his bed and padding over to the couch. He reached out to shake Cosima awake, but stopped himself for a moment to look at her, her face just visible in the dim light of the moon that poured in from the window.

At first glance, she was everything that Felix had come to associate with Cosima; the dreads, the glasses, the eyeliner. But now that she was asleep, face free of makeup and glasses placed on the coffee table, all Felix could see was his sister. In sleep, Cosima's face took on a relaxed innocence that he hadn't seen in Sarah's expression in a long, long time.

Except now, Cosima's face wasn't exactly relaxed or innocent, what with the way that her mouth was drawn into a tight frown, ragged gasps escaping from parted lips and tears streaming down her cheeks. Felix reached out to her again. Whether or not the woman on the couch was his sister wasn't the issue. She just needed help. “Cosima,” he shook her shoulder gently, causing her eyes to snap open. “Are you alright?” he asked when her gaze had focused on him.

She sat up quickly, causing Felix to pull his hand back as Cosima reached around blindly for a tissue box. “Yeah, yeah,” she said with a vague shrug, “Fine.”

Felix had heard those words before, but decided to let them go once more as he tossed a box of tissues at Cosima's lap. “Then I'm going back to bed,” he said, feigning a yawn. Cosima muttered something as she blew her nose and grabbed another tissue to wipe at her eyes. “Goodnight,” Felix said, slipping under his covers again.

“Wait,” Cosima said hesitantly, looking over at Felix in the gloom, his form backlit by the light streaming in from the window.

“Yeah?” he asked, propping himself up on one elbow so he could see Cosima at a better angle.

Cosima opened her mouth and took in a small breath to continue, but stopped herself. It felt wrong to ask Felix, a man who barely knew her and probably trusted her a lot less, to watch over her while she slept. And even if he agreed to her request, it wouldn't be the same. He wasn't Sarah, no matter how close the two were.

“Nothing,” she finally said, shaking her head as she sunk back onto the couch. “Goodnight.”

“Yeah, okay,” Felix said, rolling out of bed once more, swiping his phone from his nightstand as he did so, “I'll just be right back.”

“Alright,” Cosima replied, her voice weary. She heard the soft snick of the screwdriver being pulled out of the latch and a grating shove of metal as the door was pushed back before sinking into sleep once more, hoping that there wouldn't be more nightmares this time around.

 

\- - -

 

Cosima woke to the warmth that her subconscious associated with safety. With Sarah. _But that couldn't be right,_ she thought as her mind began processing the outside world that was bathed in the morning rays of the sunlight. _Sarah left last night. She couldn't be here._

“Morning,” Sarah's voice said from behind her, sounding awake yet wary, clearly remembering the last time that Cosima had woken up with Sarah's arms around her.

Cosima yawned and stretched, her arms nudging against Sarah as she arched her back. “I thought you left,” she said, keeping her tone conversational as she rolled out of bed. _Wait... bed?_ “And I definitely fell asleep on the couch. Where's Felix?”

Sarah let out small chuckle, “I don't know how you can still manage to talk that fast even after waking up Cos. Takes me ages.”

“You must've been up for awhile then,” Cosima countered, continuing on at Sarah's confused look, “The fact that you are managing sentences right now... you.. must've been awake for awhile. What were you doing? Were you-”

“Ah,” Sarah started, cutting Cosima off frantically, finally getting out of bed too, “I did leave, but Felix called me. Said you were crying again, so I came back.”

Cosima knew a change in subject when she saw one and Sarah wasn't making any effort to be subtle about it. Still, she decided to let it slide, figuring it was too early to get into yet another argument. “And the bed? How'd I get here?” she asked.

“Yeah, well, Felix said that the couch wouldn't be enough room for the both of us, so he took the couch instead,” Sarah explained, gesturing over to it. Cosima looked over and could just barely make out his mop of dark hair sticking out past the armrest before looking back at Sarah. “And I carried you,” she added, as if it were obvious.

“Oh,” she replied with a small nod, glancing at Sarah's slim frame. “He didn't want to go to Colin's?” she asked instead, raising her eyebrows.

Sarah shrugged, “It was too late at that point. Coffee?” she asked, slouching over to the kitchen area.

“Black,” she said in reply, spotting her glasses resting on the nightstand table. She put them on, allowing her to take note of Sarah's form a little better. Even from the back she seemed tense, shoulders and neck taught with worry. “And how's Kira? Is she alright?”

“Yeah, she's doing fine,” Sarah answered on a breath of tired air, “Just... disappointed is all.”

“Disappointed? But, Sarah.. why?” Cosima asked, crossing the room to join her, on the opposite side of the counter now, watching her measure out coffee grounds.

“What with Helena still out there and Alison gone off to who knows where because of that bloody contract she signed... I've been so busy with other things that-”

“Too busy for your daughter?” Cosima cut in, her tone sharpening ever so slightly. “And what about right now, Sarah? Are you too busy right now, making coffee for me and cuddling me in bed?”

“Cosima, you're _dying_!” Sarah snapped suddenly, slamming a fist down on the counter between them, causing the mugs to rattle.

“I shouldn't be more important than your own daughter Sarah! I can look after myself, I can be alone for more than a few hours!” she shook her head in disbelief, throwing her hands up in the air.

“Yeah, well, tell that to Felix! He was the one who found you bloody bawling your eyes out last night!” Sarah exclaimed, running a hand through her hair in frustration. “Besides, _you_ were the one who told me that you didn't want to be alone! I'm just following through on that, yeah?”

“And what about Kira, Sarah? Your daughter is disappointed in you! Are you just going to let that happen?” Cosima asked incredulously.

“Well, it's not like she hasn't been disappointed before,” Sarah muttered to herself, dumping the coffee into the machine and filling the pot with water.

“Sarah...,” Cosima started slowly, her tone softening for a moment.

“Kira's with S,” she said loudly, cutting Cosima off before she could offer any sympathy. “She's fine, Cosima. She's not dying. Not like-” _you,_ she finished in her head, but couldn't bring herself to say it a second time out loud. _Cosima isn't going to die,_ Sarah told herself fiercely, _Delphine will help her find a cure. She has to._

“How long do you think she'll be fine for?” she asked, her tone gentle, but insistent, “How long do you think it will take the DYAD to track her location down and take her for themselves so they can run tests on her?”

“Mrs. S will keep her safe,” Sarah replied stubbornly, folding her arms as she turned her gaze from Cosima to the bubbling pot of water. “You're the one I'm worried about, Cosima. You're getting weaker by the day and-”

“Sarah. Don't,” Cosima warned, her voice dangerously low.

“You can't just expect me to ignore the fact that you're.. well... you know! 'Cause I bloody can't, alright?” Sarah carried on, disregarding Cosima's warning, “I can't walk around and pretend that you're okay, Cos, I just can't, and I'm going bloody insane with worry 'cause you don't seem to care at all! That's what bothers me the most, that you don't seem to care that you're-”

“Stop it!” Cosima cut in, her voice more shrill than usual to get Sarah's frantic attention. “Look at me Sarah,” she continued on after taking a breath to calm herself, “I'm fine, alright? I'm just fine. I haven't been coughing as much since I got here and I'm feeling well enough to head back any day now.”

This time it was Sarah's turn to go still, her voice just as low as Cosima's had been. “Head back? What do you mean, head back?”

“Well, I mean... ever since Delphine called me I've been thinking about it and.. well, now that I'm feeling better I decided that I needed to.. to, to, you know... conduct more research. And I can't do it here, Sarah, I can't do anything here,” Cosima explained, apparently oblivious to the way that Sarah's expression fell with each word that came out of her mouth.

“What about not... dying alone? That's why you came here, yeah?” Sarah tried as the coffee finished brewing, sputtering as it spat out the last few drops of the dark liquid.

“Delphine and I will find a cure up in Minnesota and then I'll be back before you know it,” Cosima said, injecting false confidence into her voice as she poured herself some coffee.

“You're going to leave? Just like that?” Felix said from behind him, his voice quite clear as well.

“And just how long have you been up?” Cosima sighed with a roll of her eyes.

“Long enough,” he said, pitching his lanky form over the edge of the couch, straightening up as he continued on, “Long enough to hear that you're planning on heading back to the needy bitch in Minneapolis.”

“I... don't really need to be here anymore,” Cosima explained hesitantly, fearing Sarah's wrath and Felix's scorn, “I haven't been coughing all that much anymore and Delphine wants to see me again. She told-”

“Right,” Sarah scoffed, “Right, 'cause she wants you to go home to her, doesn't she Cos? She wants you to go back to Minneapolis so that she can find a cure for you and then the two of you can live happily and maybe adopt a child or two. That's it, yeah? That's what she wants, isn't it?”

“Sarah,” Felix cut in gently, hoping to diffuse the anger in his sister before it could rise to the surface.

“If that is what she wants, then that's her prerogative, alright. I need to figure out what's going on between her and I for _myself_. After all, she _did_ risk her life to come after me, to help me discover that patent. Without her, we'd all be in trouble and you know it,” Cosima retorted back, refusing to deny Sarah's statement about the whole children thing.

“So what, you're just going to go back to her so that she can continue to experiment on you?” Sarah scoffed, “I thought you were supposed to be some kind of genius, Cos.”

Cosima let the genius comment go uncontested as she answered her, “This is different, Sarah! She's only going to be testing on me so that she can help me find a cure, okay? And to make sure that none of you guys will be susceptible to it!”

“How can you be so sure that those will be the _only_ tests she's going to run?” Sarah demanded, hardly aware of the way that Felix's eyes bounced back and forth between the two women as they argued.

“Meaning what?” Cosima asked carefully.

“Meaning that she might still be a double agent!” Sarah exclaimed with a sigh, as if she couldn't believe that Cosima wouldn't take that thought into account, “She might still be running tests for Leekie on the side! How can you know for sure what sorts of tests she's performing on you?”

“Because she wouldn't do that to me,” Cosima replied with a fierce certainty as she finished her coffee and set it down onto the counter, shoving it towards the sink.

“How can you know that for sure?” Sarah asked insistently, placing her mug in the sink and turning to see Cosima already back on the couch, typing away at her computer.

“Because I.. think she loves me,” Cosima explained, barely raising her eyes from her computer to take in Sarah's expression.

“But what about-” Sarah began quietly, but cut herself off. “Never mind,” she muttered as Felix shot her a look. “You've got a flight to book, I guess.”

 

\- - -

 

A few days later found Cosima's flights all booked and her suitcase standing upright by the open loft door, handle engaged. “You don't have to leave, you know,” Sarah muttered as Cosima grabbed her coat and carry-on bag.

“I know,” she answered just as softly, “But it's best for both of us, I think.” Just as it looked like Sarah was about to protest, Cosima carried on, “Look, this way, you get to spend more time looking for Helena and you can have more time with your daughter, alright? Without having to worry about me all the time.”

“I'm sorry you didn't get to meet her,” Sarah said, scrunching her face up in her apology.

“Hey, it's alright,” Cosima replied with a smile, touching Sarah's chin to bring her eyes up back to look at Cosima. With her hand still cupping Sarah's face softly, she continued, “I'll be back, alright? Once Delphine and I find a cure, I'll fly right home. Promise.”

“Oi!” Felix's voice shouted from partway down the stairs, “You two weirdos coming then?”

“Just give us a sec, Fee, yeah?!” Sarah shouted back out the door before looking back at Cosima. She sighed and gestured vaguely out towards the door. “He's right, I guess. We best get going. You've got a flight to catch, yeah?”

“Right,” Cosima nodded resolutely, grabbing her suitcase and pulling it along behind her as she followed Sarah down the hall. Just as she was about to take the first step down the stairs, Cosima called out to her, “Sarah, wait.”

“Yeah?” she asked, one hand on the railing as she turned.

“I just...,” Cosima began as she shrugged abruptly and reached out to Sarah's face with her free hand before leaning down and kissing her softly. She pulled back after a quiet moment, fighting a frown that was threatening to appear at the corners of her mouth before brushing past Sarah without a word.

Sarah stood there for a moment, her eyes fluttering shut softly as she committed her brain to the memorization of the feel of Cosima's lips on hers, not knowing when she'd feel them again, if ever. _I'll fly right home. Promise._

A short wheeze caused her to open her eyes again as she turned around nervously, “Cosima...?” she asked slowly, watching her lean heavily on the railing as she tried to maneuver down the stairs. _Hadn't she been getting better? Wasn't that why she was leaving?_

“Sarah, I'm-” she began to say, raising a hand to wave away her concern. But she didn't get any further than that as she lost her grip on the bannister, her footing falling out from under her as she dropped, hitting the steps like a broken rag doll, bones cracking against the concrete for an infinite amount of time before finally crumpling into a broken heap at the foot of the stairs.

“Cosima!” Sarah screamed, clattering down the stairs, tripping over her own feet as she stumbled drunkenly down to the landing. She looked at Cosima's battered body as blood slowly seeped outwards from various wounds. It seemed so still. _She_ seemed so still. _Was she even breathing?_

Her knees gave out from under her and she landed with a wed thud beside Cosima's silent form, her knees covered in blood. Cosima's blood. Sarah grabbed at her shoulders with white knuckles, screaming incoherently at Cosima's closed eyes. She barely heard Felix's voice in the background; it was all static buzzing blankly through her mind.

“Cosima?” she asked, her voice a hoarse whisper, reaching to remove her shattered glasses first, which were dangling crookedly from one ear, brushing the glass away from her eyelids as carefully as possible.

“C-Cos?” she begged brokenly, her hands reaching for Cosima's face now as she leaned close and touched her forehead to Cosima's. She slid two fingers down to her pulse point as she began sobbing harshly. Underneath her fingers, life was found, beating but weak. “Please don't leave me....”

Blood. There was so much blood.


	4. Chapter 4

It was on the second day of May at 4:19PM that the sirens pierced the air, their wails echoing the soundless screams which choked in Sarah's throat. Broken words poured from trembling lips, her mind flashing in and out of the past.

_“Stay with me baby.. please...”_

“Cosima... Cos, please... you can't.. _please..._ don't go.. I'm here, yeah? Right here. Even if we fight... here. I'm sorry... please...”

“Ma'am, excuse me, you need to let go,” a strained voice said, pressure on her arm pulling her out of her shock and onset of grief.

“No.. no! Cos, please... please,” she begged as a surprisingly strong pair of hands pried her fingers away from Cosima's arm and all she was left holding was Cosima's red jacket. Arms pushed her back then and Cosima's battered and bent body was lifted higher, then lower, onto a rolling stretcher. “That's my sister!” she screamed as she rushed to keep up with the team that was carting the dreadlocked woman into emergency.

_“This is as far as you can go.”_

And once again, Sarah was trapped on the other side of a set of glass sliding doors and a red curtain that reminded her all too much of Cosima's red jacket that she held in stiff fingers. And of blood. _So much blood..._ But she had to be strong. For Cosima. She couldn't fall apart in the waiting room. She just couldn't.

“She's going to be okay Sarah,” Felix's voice said from behind her, wrapping his sister in his arms as Sarah beat her fists weakly against the glass, Cosima's condition uncertain behind that bloody curtain.

“You didn't see... she just.. oh god, Fee... I..,” Sarah found herself gasping, clinging to his forearms now, seeing nothing but red. Blood and red. “She just... fell...,” she explained pathetically, that simple word doing nothing to describe the horror of the sound of cracking bones and the barest of exhales that escaped Cosima's lips as she lay on the landing, broken.

“She'll be okay Sarah,” he assured again softly, kissing her temple and pulling her closer.

“I need to be in there, I need to be in there with her Fee!” Sarah tugged at his arms, barely controlling the jerking motion of her hands as she glared at her reflection and only seeing her face, which angered her that much more. How was it fair that one version of her face could be alive and blinking and, god, _breathing,_ while the another was laying prone, heart barely beating, pulse dropping her within an inch of her life each time?

“You can't go in Sarah. You can't,” he told her, trying to rationalize with his sister's heart, as he had to do many times before in their years spent living under the same childhood roof. “The doctor's are doing their best right now. There's nothing you can do for her, Sarah. Come on,” he instructed her gently as he guided her to the waiting area.

“I'm sorry Cos,” Sarah choked out, reaching out and touching the glass, her fingers trailing down the smooth surface as Felix forced her to look away. “I'm so sorry.. please...,” she begged the open air, stumbling into a chair with her brother's guidance, her pleas muffled then by her hands as she buried her face there.

 

\- - -

 

A voice echoed through the fog that blanketed Cosima's mind.

_I'm sorry... please..._

She blinked her eyes once, twice and wiggled her toes before checking her surroundings. “Why are you crying, Sarah?” she questioned, her voice as chipper as ever. “Don't.. c'mon! Look at me, I'm... christ,” she stopped herself as she looked at Sarah once again. “You... Jesus...”

Sarah was there, sure, bent over her prone form as she clutched her arm and was obviously crying desperately. Despite the clear despair painted on Sarah's features, the world around Cosima was silent, its colours muted as lights streaked past through the back window. Cosima noted all these details rather remotely as she took in the being that was Sarah.

Because Sarah wasn't exactly... well, human, anymore. Surrounding her was a faint glow that steadily became stronger the longer Cosima looked on. And not only did it become stronger, but it seemed to be slowly drifting into a shape, condensing into something.. solid. As Cosima watched, that solid, bright light fell into the form of wings, each one arching up and over, extending past her shoulders.

_Jesus_ _was right,_ she thought as she gazed at the ethereal light that shone from Sarah's wings. “Look at you,” she muttered to herself, knowing full well that Sarah couldn't hear her, not while she was having this... out of body experience. “You're... you're an angel,” she whispered, trying to reach out and touch her, to touch her wings before she blinked and they went away.

But then Sarah was gone. Just like that, with the slamming of sliding glass doors and a heart shattering cry of “No.. no!” Cosima watched as they pulled red curtains across the glass, dousing Sarah's ethereal light and with it, the vestiges of Cosima's awareness.

 

\- - -

 

“Sarah...,” Felix said, his voice cautious, as if he knew that his next words wouldn't be received well at all. “You have to call her, you know.”

She rolled her shoulders and stretched, arching her back, stars blinking across her vision as she glanced over at Felix. “Who are you- no. Fee, I wont. She made the decision to stay behind when Cosima wanted to come back here, she doesn't-”

“She deserves to know, Sarah,” Felix cut across her sharply. Sarah just folded her arms at this and leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic chair, a scowl forming on her face. “Besides, I don't think she _decided_ anything, actually. I believe Cosima just left without saying anything to Delphine.”

“Whatever,” Sarah snapped, looking away from his probing eyes, trying to look anywhere but him or that stupid red curtain.

“Cosima would want her to be here, I know that,” Felix explained, “Her girlfriend-”

Sarah let out a derisive snort at that.

Felix rolled his eyes and put a hand up, “Sarah, you know that that's what those two are. Neither of them has bloody said it, but you can totally tell that they've ended up shagging.”

Sarah finally relented and went to retrieve Cosima's phone that had been left in her coat pocket, which had been in Sarah's care ever since they climbed into the ambulance due to it being a hindrance the emergency crew and their equipment. Waving it front of Felix's face with a sarcastic expression on her own, she scrolled through Cosima's few contacts and dialled Delphine with a sigh.

“Cosima?” Delphine answered on the first ring, her voice anxious and excited all at once. “I have been trying to call-”

“Yeah, hi,” Sarah cut in, trying to keep the conversation brief and to the point. Sarah couldn't stand her in the best of circumstances but Cosima trusted her so she supposed that that would have to be good enough for now. And realizing that the French woman was her biggest rival, in a manner of speaking, just made things that much worse. _Not that Frenchie even knows about Cosima and I that is...,_ Sarah thought as she steeled herself to continue the conversation, _If there even is any Cosima and I._

The line froze up for a few moments and Sarah half hoped that the other woman had hung up. Then she spoke again, “Sarah?” she asked, her voice strained. Before she could even get a word in edgewise, Delphine continued, her words spinning a frantic explanation, “You have to believe me when I say that I didn't tell Leekie anything about your daughter, it was just the other names that Cosima had written down, I would never-”

“Delphine, just... stop, yeah?” Sarah cut in finally, shutting her eyes for a moment, “I don't want to hear it right now, alright?”

“Yes, of course, I'm sorry,” the other woman answered quickly before silence finally reigned on the other end even though Sarah could tell that she wanted to say more.

Sarah nodded once to instill courage in herself, her throat closing up as her panic returned. Almost involuntarily, she glanced over at the red curtain, could almost see the silhouettes of the doctors and nurses moving around behind it.

“Sarah...,” Delphine said slowly, trepidation entering her voice now. “Why have you called me? Is.. something wrong? With Cosima?”

After letting out a breath, she allowed herself to answer, as bluntly as she could without breaking, “She's in the hospital.”

The screech on the other end of the line was almost inhuman and Sarah was forced to pull the phone away from her ear at its volume. “Is she okay?!” were the first words out of Delphine's mouth that were actually comprehensible. “What happened to her? Why were you not looking out for her?!”

Well, Sarah _was_ going to answer her reasonably. She _was_ going to _try_ to deal with the woman that broke Cosima's heart rationally... but that was _before_ Delphine asked that last question. “Excuse me?” Sarah snapped back, completely ready to tear into her now for even _insinuating_ that Sarah couldn't protect Cosima. “Oi!” she exclaimed, her tone drawing a glance from Felix, causing him to make his way over to Sarah with a long-suffering sigh. “If you think that I can't protect her and be there for her then why did she leave _you_ to come to Canada to be with me? So obviously you can't-”

“I'll take that, hun, thank you,” Felix said as he smoothly snatched the phone from Sarah's slowly reddening ears and carrying on the conversation as Sarah walked away, unable to bear to listen anymore.

“I can protect you,” she muttered as she found herself standing in front of those horrid red curtains once more, feeling some kind of inexplicable warmth in the air around her. “That's what you wanted, yeah? But I guess I've done a shite job of it... I mean, I can't even be in there with you right now and I... you probably need me because that's what you flew down for, isn't it? And I've done nothing but fought with you and let you down ever since you got here. Delphine is probably better for you anyways... I mean, she bloody understands why you get so excited about science and all I can bloody do is sit there and smile as your hands go all crazy. And now you're just... laying there and I can't protect you. But I wish I could Cos. I wish I could....”

 

\- - -

 

Cosima was standing right beside Sarah as the other woman talked, her face agonized. She couldn't hear the words that came from her lips, but she could see the way that they quivered and the way that her eyes glistened and she knew just by looking at Sarah's eyes that she was scared and hurting. “It's going to be alright Sarah,” she tried telling the other woman, even though she knew that she wouldn't be heard. “You don't need to worry,” she whispered, a smile tugging one corner of her mouth upwards as she stepped forward and tried to hug the other woman, her arms just passing through her body instead. “I'm going to be alright, promise,” she assured once more, hoping that Sarah might be able to feel the breath of air that escaped from her lungs or feel her presence beside her. Anything to let her know that she was nearby and that she was okay. That she would recover, and soon. Cosima had seen the charts and the scans that the doctors had up and she knew the bare minimum about medicine to understand that her body and heart were stable.

Felix came up to Sarah then, holding Cosima's phone in his hand, of all things. _What's he doing with my phone?_ Cosima watched as he started talking to his foster sister, noting the way that Sarah refused to face him, but the harsh look on her face proved that she was listening to his words and wasn't happy about them. Cosima wasn't an expert lip-reader, but she tried her best as Felix continued on, Sarah's frown only growing more pronounced as he apparently tried to reason with her.

But her focus was yanked away from the sibling pair by an abrupt jolt within her being. _What was that?_ Cosima thought, her mind spinning as everything in her essence felt to be pulled through a very tight tube. Another jolt, manifesting in where her stomach would be if she weren't currently floating around in this out-of-body state, yanked within her. One more quickly followed, a tug of energy reverberating through her form, drawing closer to the place her heart would be situated.

All at once a loud, commanding voice filled Cosima's ears. Before she registered the fact that she could hear once again, something she hadn't been able to do since she started having these experiences, the authoritative voice called out again. “Clear!” it directed and Cosima was blinded by a cloak of white before it disappeared abruptly, leaving a single impression of Sarah's wings before the sight faded entirely. As her vision faded, she suddenly had the sense of being _heavy,_ like she had been living on the moon for five years and was only now returning to earth.

She turned to her side, hardly realizing that the sight of Sarah and Felix had disappeared before her vision, and coughed weakly at her efforts. “We've got her,” that same voice said, though it was much softer.

She blinked her eyes once, twice and tried to wiggle her toes against the fabric of the sheets that covered her, but found that even that that simple movement drained her of any energy she had left. “You're safe now, alright?” the doctor said, because he clearly must've seen the way her eyes bounced back and forth around her surroundings. “Your sister is outside, she's been waiting for you.”

 

\- - -

 

“She's getting on the next plane Sarah. She's coming here in a couple hours,” Felix explained, his voice matter of fact, leaving no room for argument or discussion.

Sarah didn't look at him, more concerned with what could have been happening on the other side of that curtain. But at the mention of Delphine's imminent arrival, she couldn't help but frown. “You're going to have to get used to her being around,” Felix continued when Sarah said nothing. “I don't care what's been happening between you and Cosima, but-”

“There's nothing happening between her and I!” Sarah exclaimed suddenly, turning from her reflection to face her brother finally. Felix just stared at her. “Leave it, Fee,” she replied, fighting the blush that threatened to crawl up her neck. “Cosima and I are bloody clones, yeah? You know how bloody weird that is?” she finished after glancing around herself to see if anyone was nearby.

“Honestly, if any of you lot were to be alright with it, it would be Cosima, really, if you think about it. She would probably see it as a scientific marvel or some other bloody-”

“Clear!” a muffled voice commanded from the other side of the glass. Sarah's heart stopped as she whipped around to stare at that bloody curtain, more anxious than ever to see, to _know._ “She's... we're losing her!” the voice carried on and Sarah's face went pale as she felt her whole body start to shake.

“Cosima!” she screamed, finding herself fighting Felix's instinctive hold once again. “Cos! Please, Cos, please let me, I just-!”

“Clear!” it commanded again.

“Let me go!” Sarah struggled, her words falling hoarse as she continued to plead incoherently. “I need... let me... I just need to see her, please! Don't... no... she can't, please!”

“Sarah! Sarah, please,” Felix tried comforting her gently, whispering vague, meaningless words in her ear as his foster sister fell limp and heavy into his arms. But even though she had stopped struggling, she couldn't be consoled. She had only stopped fighting because the back of her mind was whispering that she had nothing left to fight for. That her only reason for continuing to scream and cry had just flat-lined on the other side of that bloody curtain.

“Fee... is.. is she..,” Sarah trailed off brokenly, hearing nothing past the glass that indicated anything either way.

“Sarah, I-” Felix began heavily when the curtains pushed back and the door slid open.

“Sarah Manning?” the doctor asked.

“Yes?” she replied even as she craned her neck to get a better view past the man, trying to see, to confirm with her eyes whatever he was about to say to her.

“I'm... so sorry,” he said heavily, his words dark with grief.

Sarah's reaction was instant and violent. “No! You asshole, no!” she screamed at him, grabbing him by the lapels of his jacket, shoving her face right next to his, snarling, “You're supposed to save her, that's your job, piece of shite! Why didn't you save her, couldn't you fucking do bloody anything?! You needed to-”

“Sarah! Shit, just chill, alright?” a voice called from within the room and Sarah froze. “That was supposed to be funnier,” the voice muttered, sounding slightly disappointed as it carried on.

Shoving the doctor back, Sarah turned in disbelief to see Cosima smiling sheepishly up from her position where she was propped in bed, one hand darting out from underneath the sheets to wave. “Hi,” she grinned weakly.

“You asshole!” Sarah snapped, taking a step towards her, emotions crashing over her in a wave. “You... you made me think you were dead!” she finally managed, rushing across the room, tears clouding her eyes.

“Technically I didn't do it. The doctor was the one who-” Cosima began, pointing at the man who was now being berated by Felix about professionalism.

“Cos,” Sarah stated, staring at her, her features conflicted.

“Um, yes?” she replied quietly, her eyes finding Sarah's, watching for an indication as to what her reaction would be.

Sarah said nothing, just yanked Cosima upright, pulling her face towards her for a quick, intense kiss. “You asshole,” she repeated when had she pulled away, sobbing now as Cosima fell back onto the bed, stunned after Sarah's sudden release. “You bloody bitch,” she continued on, burying her face into Cosima's shoulder, her shoulders shaking as she hit Cosima with a weak fist. “What the bloody hell were you thinking, joking like that... making me think... how dare you Cosima Niehaus!” she finished, landing a solid hit on her chest as she finally pulled her face from Cosima's shoulder.

“Sorry,” Cosima said, her sheepish grin fading as she looked at Sarah's blotchy face before taking in the rest of her appearance, noting the dried blood staining her knees and her middle. Cosima suddenly pictured Sarah kneeling in her blood, cradling her broken body gently in her arms, sobbing as she waited for help to arrive. _She really cares,_ she realized, the image burned into the back of her mind.

“Promise me you'll never do that again, yeah?” Sarah pleaded, taking Cosima's hand in her own, tangling their fingers together.

“What, you mean die? Because technically I never actually-” Cosima began, hoping that her jokes would lighten the situation. But one look from Sarah told her that she had gone way too far, so she froze. “I promise,” she whispered, feeling her lungs begin to seize up, immediately forcing her to wish that she hadn't just uttered those two words. _How could she promise not to die?_

“Excuse me,” the doctor said from behind them, causing Sarah to jump and scrub away the weakness that stained her cheeks. “But Miss Niehaus will be needing her rest. We have a few more tests to run on her and-”

“Tests?” Sarah asked, narrowing her eyes at the doctor, who, despite his attempt to stay professional, couldn't help but toss a glare back at her. Apparently he hadn't appreciated the previous manhandling.

“Yes,” he replied curtly, “Just routine, to make sure her system is on its way to recovery. Nothing to worry about, but we will need the space to work. So if you'll excuse us, Miss Manning, the visiting hours are now over.”

“What if I want her to stay?” Cosima piped up from her place on the bed, looking between Sarah and the doctor, her face so damn innocent. But underneath that, Sarah caught a hint of fear. The idea of being _tested_ clearly freaked her out as much as it disturbed Sarah. And she did _not_ want to be alone in that process.

He pursed his lips as Felix tapped his foot behind him, clearing his throat pointedly. Then the doctor nodded tersely, pointing over to a straight-backed chair in the corner of the room. “You can sit in that chair while we run our tests and _only_ that chair, understand?” he finally said as he snapped on a pair of surgical gloves. “Now, I will be back in a few minutes and then I will begin the tests. I want everyone else gone by the time I return,” he ordered before pushing his way out past the glass doors.

“You've got him wrapped around your little finger, don't you Fee?” Sarah smirked as she sunk onto the edge of Cosima's bed in the meantime.

“A boy has his ways,” he smirked before bending over and kissing Sarah on the forehead. “Now, no funny business while I'm gone, yeah?”

“What does he mean by funny business?” Cosima asked when he had swished his way out of the room. But there was a smile playing around her lips at the tail end of her words, as if she knew _exactly_ what Felix meant.

“Delphine's coming in a few hours,” Sarah said after a long while, trying her best to ignore Cosima's insinuations. She held her phone out to her, displaying Delphine's most recent text about her flight information.

“Oh,” Cosima replied, barely glancing at the screen, feeling something heavy settle in her stomach. She tried to think of something else to say, but at that exact moment the doctor returned with all of his instruments and began to prepare. “You'll stay with me?” she asked quickly as Sarah was instructed once again to sit in that wooden chair, and _only_ that wooden chair.

“I'll never leave,” she replied with a reassuring smile, squeezing her hand before retreating to the chair, keeping their hands linked for as long as she could until she was forced to let go. “I'll be right here when it's over, alright?”

“Thanks,” Cosima smiled back, then turned her attention to the doctor, who was addressing her.

“Okay, we'll begin,” he told her as he slipped an IV into her arm and told her to relax. Sarah couldn't help but look away as the IV bag dripped some clear serum into her veins and Cosima's eyes dropped shut, her chest rising and falling evenly as the doctor went about his work.

 

\- - -

 

Delphine arrived while Sarah and Cosima were still within the confines of the emergency room. “How is she?” she asked Felix fretfully as they stood outside, finding themselves once again looking at a red curtain, wondering what was happening on the other side. With Sarah occupied in the emergency room, Felix had been the one updating Delphine via text of Cosima's condition, the last report being that Cosima had woken up and was being run through standard procedure testing.

“She seems to be doing alright,” he replied, folding his arms as he looked over Delphine's shoulder while he talked, “But you need to have a talk with your girlfriend about what kinds of jokes are appropriate while she's in the emergency room of a hospital.”

“She is cheeky, that one,” Delphine murmured as she shifted uncomfortably beside Sarah's foster brother.

“Sarah's not happy you're here,” he snarked then tagged on after a moment of consideration, “Neither am I, come to think of it.”

“Then why did Sarah call me? She could have easily left me uniformed,” Delphine wondered, glancing sideways at the man.

Felix laughed in disbelief and scorn, waving a hand through the air. “Believe me, she wanted to.”

“So why-?”

“Because it's Cosima in the hospital,” he overrode her, rolling his eyes as if it were obvious. “And for whatever idiot reason in that supposed genius brain of hers, she cares about you. And Sarah knows that. So here you are.”

Delphine opened her mouth to say more, pushing her hand through her hair in her confusion, when the curtains were tugged back and the doors were opened. “You can come in now Felix, the tests-” Sarah began, then stopped short when she saw Delphine standing with him. “Oh. You made it then,” she said flatly, folding her arms in disapproval.

“Cosima,” Delphine wondered hesitantly, “Is she-?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sarah said, sounding weighted as she gestured vaguely into the room behind her, “You can go in, I suppose.”

“Thank you,” she told the other woman, offering an uncertain smile, which Sarah didn't return as she pushed past the taller woman out into the lobby.

“And remember,” Sarah said, her voice hard as she pulled Delphine to a stop by grabbing her arm, “You're only here 'cause Cos wants you here. As soon as you do something to fuck her over, you're gone. Got that Frenchie?”

Delphine nodded with a visible nervous swallow, feeling cowed and tiny despite the extra height she had on the punk woman. “Of course,” she replied shakily and only then did Sarah let her go with a rough jerk of her hand.

“Alright, that might have been a tad dramatic hon,” Felix told Sarah as Delphine walked further into the emergency room.

“I don't bloody care. She needs-” Delphine heard Sarah answer, only for the rest of her words to be cut off as the door was shut behind her.

The first emotion that Delphine felt as she saw Cosima lying there, magazine propped open with a delicate hand, was relief. “Cosima!” she exclaimed, covering the last few feet in long strides. “You are alright!” she sighed, relief flowing over as she reached for the other woman without stopping to think, covering her cast with gentle hands. “With Sarah's call I assumed the worst, but she didn't give me very many details over the phone. So, of course I came as quickly as I could... mon Dieu, I am so glad you are safe cherie, Sarah had me so worried-”

“Delphine,” Cosima flicked her fingers gently within Delphine's grasp, laughing. As she continued, she made a note of her place in the magazine and set it down on her beside table. “Relax, alright? I'm right here, I'm safe, like you said, and I'm recovering. So you can stop worrying.”

“You are right, of course,” Delphine murmured, bringing Cosima's hand up to her lips, mindful of the scratchy plaster, her words ghosting across her skin.

Cosima found herself enjoying the sensations shivering across her skin, closing her eyes to their influence. In that moment of darkness however, she saw an image of Sarah bent over her still body on the landing. Sarah crying, Sarah cradling Cosima's body against her own. Sarah trying to stay with the emergency response team as they wheeled her into the operation wing. Sarah being held by Felix as she stood helplessly outside the room, her view blocked by that bloody curtain. Sarah. _Crying._

And suddenly, Delphine's lips against her skin sent betrayal crawling down her spine. “What is it, cherie?” Delphine asked at Cosima's sudden shiver.

“Nothing,” she replied, keeping her voice under control as she dropped her arm back onto the bed with a dull thump, her fingers swirling patterns across the sheets, Delphine's hand resting gently on top of hers. “I'm just tired. My body's gotta heal.”

At Cosima's statement, Delphine hesitated. “Your injuries... they are quite bad, non?”

“Not as bad as they look,” Cosima shook her head gently, “I mean, I know how it must've seemed from the state of Sarah's clothes, but really, that was just surface wounds. Once they cleaned me up the report was basically a couple of fractured ribs, a mild concussion and a broken wrist. It could've been a lot worse, really.”

“It's bad enough,” Delphine said gently, reaching out to touch Cosima's bruised face softly.

“Delphine, don't,” Cosima muttered, pulling her face away from Delphine's outstretched hand minutely.

“Cherie...,” she said softly, dropping her hand back to her lap in disappointment, “We must talk... our last phone call, you seemed.. distressed, non? Upset?”

“No, no,” Cosima waved her unencumbered hand airily, “I was just distracted, that's all. When you called, Sarah... was trying to talk to me at the same time. It's fine, really.”

“You were upset when I asked you to come home,” Delphine stated bluntly, and Cosima froze, withdrawing her encased hand from within Delphine's grip. “To leave Canada to... be with me. C'est vrai?”

_Yes,_ she wanted to tell the other woman, _Of course I was upset! You were implying that I had a home with you but I don't even know what_ home _looks like!_ But instead she just shrugged, gesturing vaguely with one hand. “No,” she shook her head noncommittally, “Not really. I was just in the middle of a conversation with Sarah when you called, that's all. Nothing to be upset about.”

“Cosima,” Delphine pleaded earnestly, taking her hand once more, pulling it close to her chest, “Please, do not hide from me. Have I not been proving that I am on your side? These past month after you first told me about your sickness, has it not been made clear to you that I am doing as much as I can for you?”

“Delphine I...,” Cosima winced and tried to piece her thoughts together. _Everything she said was true. She had been faithful in her research and respectful in her boundaries. It was all true. So why did it seem so wrong?_ “I said before that there's lots happening, alright, I-”

“But not with us,” she cut in gently, sadness crossing her expression.

“I just- what?” Cosima stopped herself, staring at the other woman intently. “What.. what do you mean?”

“We seem to be at a... stand still, non? We've been together, researching something to cure you, but we haven't.. je ne sais pas, talked about our relationship?” she explained slowly.

“I guess it's just...,” Cosima tried to reply, but ended up trailing off pathetically.

“Where do we belong, Cosima?” she pressed, squeezing her hand carefully. “Are we together?”

Cosima yearned to say yes. She craved the idea of a relationship with Delphine, her perfect match in her love for science, her intelligence, her everything. But she just couldn't get the kisses she shared with Sarah out of her head. There was something intense and wild and slightly feral about the way that Sarah approached emotion. When she loved, you could see it in her eyes, in her very body language. Delphine, on the other hand, was predictable. _Not that that's a bad thing,_ Cosima thought as she considered the gorgeous French woman before her, _But it means missing out on things._

“Cherie..?” Delphine asked slowly, biting her lower lip in worry. “Where do you disappear to inside your head?”

“I... nowhere, Delphine. It doesn't matter,” she said quietly, trying to sort out the different emotions that crowded out her heart.

 

\- - -

 

“Sarah, quit pacing,” Felix snapped as she passed by him for the nineteenth time.

“She's been in there bloody long enough,” Sarah growled by way of response, shoving her hands further into her pockets as she cranked around on her heel and started towards him again.

“Stop,” he demanded, throwing his arm out and catching her by the elbow, causing her to jerk forward perilously. “Now,” he said when he had most of her attention, “What's the matter?”

“Nothing, Fee,” she sighed in exasperation, yanking her elbow away with a jerk of her shoulder.

He just folded his arms in response. “So you're completely fine with the fact that Delphine is in there, right now, chatting up her girlf-”

“Yes!” Sarah exclaimed, cutting him off before he could finish the word. “I'm completely fine with it!”

“Right,” he said slowly, his eyebrow quirking upward in disbelief. “So you're not jealous or anything like that?”

“No,” she replied quickly, “I just don't trust her to be alone with Cosima for long.”

“And it's got nothing to do with the fact that you two have been shagging in my bed?” he asked, purposefully stretching the truth in the hopes that Sarah would give something up.

And she did. “Sha- wha? Fee, we've not been shag.. that's bloody... no! I mean, we've kissed but I- bloody shite,” she blustered, covering her face with her hand, “We haven't kissed either,” she protested weakly, “There's nothing going on between Cos and I, alright? Bloody shite.”

“Right, because kisses mean nothing, Sarah,” he laughed derisively.

“They can,” she snapped right back.

“Did they?” Felix replied just as quickly, smirking slightly when he realized that he had Sarah backed into a corner.

“Yeah,” she answered forcefully.

“Yeah they meant something?” Felix asked cheekily, grinning up at his foster sister triumphantly.

“Bloody shite Fee,” she sighed, defeated as she sank down onto the chair beside him, running her hand through her hair.

“Why don't you just admit it Sarah?” he asked her seriously.

“Admit what? That I lo... that she actually means something to me?” Sarah replied wearily, catching herself nervously on that declaration. “I can't, Fee,” she carried on, slumping back in the chair, her hands dangling in the open space between her thighs.

“And why not?” he insisted, turning slightly in his chair to look at her more fully. “Sarah, if you-”

“Because she's obviously in love with Delphine, Felix! Not me, okay?” she snapped, throwing her arm over towards the gap in the curtain, where Delphine and Cosima were framed in red. “Look at how they're sitting, yeah? Cos can't keep her eyes off that bloody woman, she's bloody gorgeous, alright? They're a perfect match, so what if we've kissed something like three times, they've bloody shagged, yeah? Maybe it's true, maybe I was a bloody experiment to her...”

 

\- - -

 

Cosima had only a few moments to herself after Delphine left before Sarah burst into the room trying, and failing, to look relaxed and at ease. “What's the problem?” Cosima asked, watching Sarah's attempt at nonchalance as she shoved her hands in her pockets while she stood by her bed.

“Nothing,” Sarah shrugged as she forcibly reminded herself that there couldn't be anything between her and Cosima because of Delphine. They were friends for chrissake _. Sisters. Bloody clones._ The very idea that Sarah was even _considering_ the idea of her and Cosima was absolutely absurd. Stupid. Wonderful.

“Yeah, because that totes sounded like nothing, Sarah,” Cosima scoffed right back. “Seriously. Sit,” she commanded, watching Sarah stiffen for a moment at the order before sinking into the plastic chair by the bed. “Now. What?”

Sarah closed her eyes and fought for a moment, her jaw working and her lips snarling. Finally, her eyes flew open and, in the same moment, her words came out in a rush, “I don't like Delphine being here, Cos, I bloody don't.”

“And why's that?” Cosima asked, hoping that Sarah's reaction wouldn't lend itself to jealousy or... love. Or, well.. maybe she _was_ hoping. After talking face to face with Delphine for the first time since arriving to stay with Sarah, she wasn't sure what she was hoping anymore.

So she watched closely, studying Sarah's every expression and nervous tic; the same way she would study a specimen underneath her microscope. _Not that Sarah's an experiment or anything,_ she thought quietly to herself, _She's just... fascinating._

“Doesn't matter,” she said gruffly, clearing her throat as she shifted in her chair, rubbing her palms on her thighs. “She's with DYAD, Cos. That's all.”

“Sarah,” Cosima started in frustration, “She's been working with me _ages_ ever since I told her about being sick, alright, she's totes-” But suddenly she cut herself off, her gaze focusing just past Sarah's head instead. “I can see them again,” she breathed in soft wonder.

Sarah looked behind herself instinctively, preparing to fight off whatever threat may have appeared there. But no one else was in the room with them. “What is it Cos?” she asked as she looked back at the other woman, her voice hitching with something that Cosima couldn't place. _Fear?_ “What's the matter?” she finished, shifting closer.

Cosima didn't answer, just reached slowly to a point behind Sarah's shoulder, her fingers extending shakily, moving over the empty air above her shoulder. “Uh, Cos?” Sarah asked, watching the way her face morphed into awe. “What... are you doing?”

“Wings, Sarah,” she said in quiet wonder as she continued to move her hand through the air.

“What?” Sarah asked, nonplussed, though her mouth tightened ever so slightly over the word. Cosima, enraptured by the glow and texture of the vision before her, didn't notice however, barely aware of Sarah's question.

“You have wings,” she murmured as her hand went on, her fingertips tracing a path past her arm, down to her elbow before dropping back onto the bed.

Sarah went deadly silent for a moment, her face hardening as if it were made from stone, marred only by the abrupt downturn of her mouth. “Not funny, Cos,” she spoke through gritted teeth, her sneer more pronounced as she jerked her shoulder, as if in an apparent attempt to shake away whatever Cosima was seeing. “Don't ever bloody talk about things like that again, yeah?”

Cosima, being as inquisitive as always, couldn't help herself, despite Sarah's obvious warning. “Why?” she asked quickly.

Sarah shut her eyes and shook her head, appearing to be made up in her decision about answering. There was a beat of breath before she jerked her head once more, her lip curling as she spat, “Helena.”

Cosima pulled back on the bed slightly, surprised. Whatever answer she had been expecting, it clearly wasn't that one. “Uh... what does she have to do with anything Sarah?”

“Doesn't matter,” she repeated, this time with more vehemence.

“But Sarah... you... you have wings. Seriously!” Cosima exclaimed, excitement taking over when she realized that she wasn't going to get anything else out of Sarah, her gaze shifting again past her shoulders. “I saw them when I was in the ambulance and then again when I saw you outside the operating room behind the red curtain and they were glowing and real and-”

“Wait, whoa, slow down. You what? You _saw_ me? Outside? A couple hours ago?” Sarah sat back, taking in Cosima's form that was half covered by the hospital sheet, her uninjured hand high in the air as she was describing the wings with sweeping motions.

“Oh yeah,” Cosima continued, as if it were no big deal, “I mean, I've totally heard of out of body experiences before, but, like, I never thought that I would experience one myself, you know and like I wondered why you couldn't hear me at first, like I was fine and it was totally awesome, but then-”

“Cos! Stop for a bloody minute, would you?” Sarah sighed, exasperated as she settled her arms back onto her thighs, resuming her hunched posture. “It's a little overwhelming, yeah?”

“I- sorry,” she smiled sheepishly, lowering her hand once more. “It's just totes exciting!” she exclaimed, her smile brightening, teeth flashing. “I mean, you could be like, an angel, or something totally awesome like that!”

“Too screwed up to be an angel,” Sarah scoffed, “But, whatever you say Cos,” she finished, ending up with a smile on her face too, the infection of Cosima's energy spreading. “It is kinda weird though. I mean, you were watching me? And... I had.. wings?”

“Have,” Cosima corrected quickly, her hand jumping once more to the space above her shoulder, prodding the air for a second before pulling her hand back and resting it on Sarah's shoulder. “You have wings,” she said quietly, her demeanour completely changing as her hand settled higher, moving towards her face, her eyes no longer on the anomaly, but rather on Sarah. _I can still see them,_ she thought, but didn't say, caught somehow by the person before her. “And I was standing right beside you,” she added even more quietly, her hand now cupping her face without either of them knowing how it happened to be there.

“Could.. could you hear me?” Sarah asked, her voice wavering only the slightest bit at Cosima's touch and her words. She fought the instinct to close her eyes. She fought the voices in her head that told her that she was enjoying this thing, Cosima's touch. She fought the rush of her heart, trying desperately to cling to anything else. Anything other than Cosima, and the feelings that she evoked. “What I said? While you were... beside me?”

Cosima just shook her head, mumbled quietly, “No. I mean, I could see your face and you looked really upset and I tried to tell you that everything would be okay but you couldn't hear me and I wanted you to hear me and...,” she trailed off, the passionate lilt of her words replaced by something akin to gentle wonder as she continued to gaze at Sarah.

“I thought I could feel you,” Sarah murmured back, her voice just as soft.

“Really? 'Cause, like, I was just testing, more like hoping really. I wanted you to know that I was okay and I wanted you to feel me, there, with you, you know?” Cosima explained, her words stilted with passion again, but her timbre was still low. _Desirable,_ Sarah thought as she finally allowed herself to feel the heat from Cosima's delicate fingers.

“I can feel you now though,” she breathed, covering Cosima's hand with her own, leaning into the touch and pressing into the feeling.

“And.. how do I feel?” Cosima asked, looking more intently at Sarah, her eyes burning with her heart's desire to know.

Sarah breathed in for a moment, feeling the way that Cosima was almost unconsciously stroking her thumb across her cheek and dying from that simple motion. “You feel...,” she began slowly, the corners of her lips quirking upward on their own accord. “You feel like I finally found a home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please disregard any medical terminology if it sounds weird to you or anything. I'm not a doctor (I am in school training for an area of the health field though) so that's why some terminology may be off.


	5. Chapter 5

_You feel like I finally found a home._

Even after Sarah left for the night, her company still remained in the form of her voice bouncing around in Cosima's head. She remembered how Sarah's eyes had glowed softly as the last word fell from her lips even as they twitched upward in a small smirk of contentment.

_Like I finally found a home._

Cosima couldn't imagine what it took for Sarah to say something like that. Being a hustler, or, at the very least, some kind of grifter, for the majority of a year had to have done some sort of damage to her psyche.

_I finally found a home._

And she had finally found a home with Cosima. _With me_ , Cosima found herself marvelling still, despite it being hours after Sarah had spoken those words. “She's found a home with me. With _me,”_ she muttered into the darkness of her hospital room as she lay flat on her back, finding patterns in the ceiling to pass the time during which her mind wouldn't stop turning.

She forcibly tried not to think about what those words meant for her and Delphine. Her attempts failed however, as worry crowded into her brain, driving out some of the comfort that the echoes of Sarah's words provided. _You shouldn't be comforted by those words,_ the back of her mind hissed, and darkness came with it. _That's a betrayal to Delphine, isn't it? And you've had enough of betrayal, haven't you?_

“Okay, so,” she thought out loud to herself, finding it better to organize her thoughts this way, despite her process being slightly hampered by the hand that was still heavily weighted in its cast. This physical unbalance made her thoughts feel half-formed and broken. She forced herself to push through. “Then it's obvious what I have to do, right? Forget about this thing between Sarah and I and just stick with Delphine. Done.”

_But she still betrayed you. You know that you can't really trust her after that._

Cosima groaned at her own bastard brain and shoved her free hand over her eyes. “And I can trust Sarah, right?” she moaned into her palm. But she didn't even have to ask herself that question; she knew that she could. Even before she discovered that she was sick she knew that she could trust Sarah. Which was more than she could say for Delphine. And then, after those shared kisses, after getting to know Sarah on a more intimately physical level, Cosima knew that she could trust her even more implicitly.

_You feel like I finally found a home._

“Maybe you're my home too,” she mumbled, allowing her words to drive away the other hissing voice in her head as she slowly drifted off into unconsciousness.

 

\- - -

 

Sarah's digital clock glowed 6:24AM by the time she finally returned home and stripped off her bloody clothes for a shower. It had been a long, emotionally exhausting day and the water beat a relaxing pattern against her body, washing away the dried blood and tears that stained her skin. But as she scrubbed shampoo into her hair, a thought caused her to jolt her eyes open underneath the shower head; _she's my home. I told her that she's my home._

“Ah, shit,” Sarah grunted as suds stung her eyes. “I told her. I.. I told her,” she muttered to herself as she scrubbed at her eyes and turned to look at the mirror, past the glass door. Her words rang through her head, _you feel like I finally found a home,_ and she smiled.

_“Oh, um, thanks, thank you but, uh, Delphine's out in the lobby, gotta rescue her from Felix, do you mind?”_

Her smile vanished. _Yeah, you told her alright Manning,_ she snarled in her head, _And she just completely cut you down. You knew that the French woman was better for her anyways, and yet you kept wanting to push your luck. And now look where that's gotten you._

“At least she chose,” Sarah shrugged as she turned off the shower and reached for a towel. Her reflection greeted her as she towelled off, its expression heavily lined with hurt. _But you wish that she had chosen you._

 

\- - -

 

Wings invaded Cosima's dreams. Wings that were torn and dripping. Wings that seemed to exude darkness. These wings, the torn and dripping and _dark_ wings, were attached to a cloaked shadowy figure that was standing far off. Cosima blinked then and, suddenly, the shadow with its feathered appendages that arched from each shoulder was standing solemnly before her, hands clasped together inside draping sleeves.

Drawn by curiosity, she leaned closer and discovered that the wet substance that puddled beneath its extended wings was actually... blood. “You don't belong with either of them you know,” a voice sounded from within the depths of its hood, a putrid smell accompanying the words. Cosima jerked back, but the thing moved with her, the fringes of its hood brushing against her skin. “There's no home for you anywhere.”

“But Sarah said-” Cosima started to argue, but the demonic thing lashed out, blackness striking her broadside, stars flashing in front of her eyes from her impact with the ground.

_“You feel like I finally found a home,”_ the thing repeated, its voice changing exactly to match Sarah's rough accent and pitch. It started cackling then, the first few notes of its laughter still clinging to Sarah's tone before morphing into something altogether ungodly that bounced around in a horrible echo. “Do you really _believe_ that she was telling you the truth?” it continued once the demonic chorus finally died, “You _are_ as naïve as they say.”

“Sarah told me-” she tried to insist, fighting to stand.

The creature swooped down on her then, restricting her movement with a skeletal hand on her neck. Cosima's eyes travelled down to the fingers that were crushing her windpipe, but the figure followed her gaze and shook its sleeve so that the bones were hidden from sight.

“They couldn't love you,” it snarled, the smell from its breath nearly knocking Cosima out. She struggled for air, but everything in her was being pressed further and further into the ground until she fell through the floor, finding herself looking up at a tiny square far above.

“You'll never find a home,” the demonic voice laughed, its silhouette appearing at the edge of the opening. Then it sealed over with a heavy thud, leaving one final echo of its sickly laugh behind, bouncing around in her head.

And Cosima began wailing.

 

\- - -

 

“Cos!”

_Its rigid fingers were wrapped around her shoulder again, shaking her._

“Cosima, wake up!”

_Its rotten breath was at her neck, almost in a sick parody of the kiss of a lover._ She twisted, trying to yank free from its grip. “Stay back, don't-!”

“Cosima, stop.. bloody... fighting!” a voice grunted and the pressure returned to her shoulders, but it wasn't the same cold, sharp grip as before. “You're just dreaming! Cosima, listen to me, you're dreaming yeah?!”

With a loud gasp her eyes flew open, the demon's dark hood still visible for a split second before Sarah's face appeared in its place. “Oh my god, christ, Sarah, it was hell, it was just awful, I don't know what was happening, I was alone and there was this.. this _thing_ and it told me that I didn't belong and that you didn't love me and it smelled _awful_ and it was black and dark and.. and.. and _evil,_ Sarah, I-”

“Whoa, whoa... Cos,” Sarah soothed gently, reaching out and stroking her cheek. “You're alright, yeah? I'm right here with you, alright? Breathe, please, alright? Just breathe for now love.”

“It was awful...,” she murmured after she had taken a couple of breaths at Sarah's command.

Sarah took Cosima's hand then, kissing her fingers hesitantly. “You're safe,” she whispered, squeezing gently. “You're alright, I'm here.”

“Sarah,” Cosima said suddenly, tangling their fingers together and tugging on the joined hold, bringing their faces within inches of each other. “Can you... can you hold me? Please?”

Sarah started, staring at Cosima for a moment as she began pulling back slightly. “Isn't Delphine coming to visit soon?” she asked as she shook her fingers free from Cosima's hold.

“Why does it matter?” she snapped, terror from the nightmare still evident in her tone. “Sarah, I... I'm scared and.. and I need you. You promised that you would keep me safe!” _And I want you to keep me safe,_ she thought as she looked at Sarah, her wings appearing once again, though they were nearly invisible against the harsh hospital lights.

“Cos, you're just confused 'cause of your nightmare, yeah? I can call Delphine right now and she can be here in a few minutes, alright? Just let me-” Sarah soothed, but Cosima cut her off, latching onto her wrist with her uninjured hand, her grip surprisingly strong. Desperate.

“Please Sarah,” she pleaded, staring up into her eyes, “I don't need Delphine right now. I... I need you.”

Sarah gritted her teeth, fighting the urge to kiss her right then and there, to wipe away the residual tears that remained from the result of her nightmare. “You're only saying that 'cause I'm right here,” she explained, trying to convince herself as much as Cosima as she reminded herself of Cosima's previous response once more. “I'll just call Delphine, yeah? She can be here for you soon,” she finished saying as she peeled her arm out of Cosima's grip and headed towards the door.

“Sarah, would you just-!” Cosima started, her tone one of frustration.

“You're fine Cos,” Sarah assured her in attempted nonchalance, even as she fought her very body to turn back around and give in to Cosima's request. “I'll be back in a few-”

“Why are you doing this?!” Cosima finally broke, her words snapping, causing Sarah to stop dead in her tracks. “Why are you being like this? Just yesterday, last night, you had said-”

“Because you didn't say anything!” Sarah exclaimed, wheeling around on her heels, her hands balled into fists.

“I... what? What didn't I say?” Cosima asked, but she was sure she knew exactly what Sarah was talking about. After Sarah had told her about feeling like she was at home with her, Cosima hadn't replied. Had abruptly changed the topic as she asked if Delphine was still in the waiting room.

“Don't play stupid Cosima,” she snarled, the light from the wings arching past her shoulders tinging red. “It doesn't suit you.”

“Excuse-”

“You heard me!” she snapped, “I was so bloody vulnerable with you, do you even know what it took for me to say that I feel like I'm home when I'm around you?! And then for you to just say _thanks_ and ask for Delphine?! What am I supposed to think here?”

“Well, I thought it was obvious that-”

“No, Cosima!” she barked, her face lit with the colour of blood, “The only thing that's apparently so bloody obvious is that way that you and Delphine act around each other!”

“Sarah, c'mon, no!” Cosima exclaimed, struggling to sit up, wincing as she continued, “I flew to Canada so that _you_ could keep me safe!”

“I'm not your angel, Cosima,” Sarah spat, “I don't care what you see, if I have wings or what, but I wont be messed around with, alright? And I'm not going to eff around either, yeah? Just... if you want Delphine, you tell her that. And leave me the bloody hell alone.”

“But Sarah...,” she started, the last of her terror from the nightmare fading, the fear of losing Sarah, and, honestly, Sarah herself with her scarlet aura, taking its place.

“I can't do this,” she sighed, running a hand through her hair as the red faded, thankfully, away. “I just can't keep doing this, Cosima. I'll be here for you if you need me, of course, but I can't be _here_ right now.”

“Sarah, please-”

Sarah sighed heavily again, her hand falling back to her side as she turned. “I'm going to call Delphine, alright? She can...,” _love you,_ Sarah trailed off in her mind as she pushed open the door with its bloody curtain.

“Sarah don't-” she tried one last time, but Sarah just stepped out into the waiting room and shut the door softly. Somehow, Cosima thought it would be more fitting if she had slammed it.

 

\- - -

 

“Did you just bloody walk out on her?” Felix pounced on her the moment the door had tapped shut. “What is it about this woman, Sarah, that you would just continue to give her up to a French spy?!”

“Not now, Fee,” Sarah grumbled, grabbing Cosima's phone and almost eagerly dialling the French woman's number, pointedly turning her back on her brother.

“Seriously Sarah, I have never known you to-” he continued on in frustration.

The call went through, but Felix's words pounded knives in her heart. “It's because she bloody deserves better than me, Felix!” she shouted, rounding on him, “She's a brilliant, talented and beautiful woman who is going to go places in her life, Fee, everyone knows it! And she's not going to _go places_ if I'm hanging on her arm like a lovesick shite storm, bringing her down!”

“Hello?” a small voice sounded from around Sarah's waist.

“Jesus Sarah,” Felix muttered as he flopped into a chair.

_Shit, Delphine,_ Sarah thought, slightly panicked as she raised the phone to her ear. _Did she hear all of that? Shite if she did._ “Yeah, Delphine,” Sarah said, clearing her throat of the emotions from her previous tirade.

“Ah, Sarah,” Delphine replied, her voice a little more relaxed, but still not altogether comfortable. “What is it? How is Cosima?”

“Recovering,” she answered shortly as she dropped into a seat next to Felix. “She had a bad dream though,” she said, using a more gentle euphemism to describe the way that Cosima had been thrashing around, to make it seem like she hadn't been screaming bloody murder and that it hadn't taken Sarah a full ten minutes to bring her back to the real world. “She asked for you,” she finished before the silence grew too long.

“Of course, I will come right away,” she clipped, and Sarah could hear her moving about immediately, presumably grabbing keys and a coat.

“Right, yeah,” Sarah said heavily, starting to hang up when Delphine's voice stopped her short.

“And, hm, Sarah?”

“Yes Delphine,” she asked tiredly, rubbing her forehead with another sigh that clouded the line for a moment.

There was a tense beat of silence on the other end and Sarah was almost tempted to hang up once more. Finally, she spoke again. “Cosima does need you. Truly. I have never seen her more alive than when I come to visit after you have been talking with her. You... you do not.. bring her down,” she finished her last three words carefully, making sure that Sarah had heard them clearly.

“Sure, okay,” Sarah answered quickly, shoving Delphine's words to the back of her mind. She couldn't bring herself to deal with their meaning just yet. “Just hurry up and get here, yeah?”

“Yes, of course,” she repeated over the slamming of a door. “Tell her I will be there as soon as I can.”

“Mm,” Sarah nodded and hung up, dropping the phone to her lap.

“And.. how was that?” he asked after being the silent observer to the one-sided conversation.

She shook her head. _I have never seen her more alive,_ Delphine had said. What was that supposed to mean anyways? Hadn't she ever paid attention to Cosima while they were together? They had bloody spent a _night_ together, how was that act of bared intimacy less _alive_ than Cosima simply being in Sarah's presence?

“Sarah?” he prompted her again, prodding her in the side.

She swatted at his hand, but otherwise didn't react. “Would you...,” she began heavily, “Would you go in there and tell her that Delphine's on her way? Please?”

“I ought to make you do it,” he huffed, but stood anyways, reading his sister's mood.

“I just... I can't see her right now, alright? That's all,” she said, one side of her mouth tilting downward as Felix crossed the room.

“You owe me,” he called over his shoulder before opening the sliding glass doors.

“Don't I always,” she muttered back, keeping her gaze trained on the ground until she heard the doors shut behind him.

 

\- - -

 

Sarah's thoughts were drifting back to Delphine's words once more when the woman herself arrived. “Hello Sarah,” she said softly as she set her coat on the back of a chair across from the punk woman but remained standing.

“Oh,” she started vaguely, waving a hand in greeting in her direction, “Oi, oi Delphine.” She waved back shyly, still standing awkwardly in front of her chair. “You don't have to stand on ceremony, yeah? Sit.”

“Right, yes,” the other woman spoke, her words quick and quiet as she sat down with an abrupt motion. She fiddled with the straps of her purse, the tag from her zippers, shooting glances at Sarah every so often, her toes coming together to form a triangle on the floor. “Felix is in there with her, yes?” she asked finally.

“Wha- oh, yeah. He is,” she replied, leaning back in her chair and dropping her chin onto her chest. “And I wish he'd hurry up,” she muttered to herself, keeping her eyes fixed on some point above Delphine's shoulder.

“Sarah,” Delphine tried again, shifting forward in her chair in apparent earnest. “About what I said on the phone, I-”

“Delphine, no,” Sarah snapped, “It's not important, alright?”

She was quiet for a moment. Then, “I think it is, Sarah. If you feel something for her, then-”

“How many bloody times,” she exclaimed, slamming her palm down onto her armrest, “Do I have to tell people that I do not feel anything for her! We're just.. bloody sisters, yeah? That's all.”

“People?” Delphine picked up quickly. Sarah smacked herself inwardly.

“Nothing, I haven't told anybody anything,” she sighed, forcing herself to look Delphine in the eye as she said this.

“You should talk to her, non?” she pressed, clapping her hands together once as she leaned further forward on her knees, biting her lip in contemplation.

“We've been talking,” Sarah answered, trying to keep the conversation to a minimum now.

“Have you been talking about-”

“About the feelings that everyone says I have for her, apparently?” she scoffed, cutting Delphine off derisively, “It's bloody obvious, isn't it? She should bloody be with you! You heard what I said over the phone, yeah? That's your answer enough, alright, so leave it.”

Delphine looked to be at a loss for words but was thankfully saved from a response as Felix sauntered in, taking in the facial expressions of the people before him with a sweep of his gaze. “Oh hello,” he fairly snickered, “Not walking in on some touching reunion, am I?”

“Shut it,” Sarah hissed at him under her breath.

“And you, by the way,” Felix sassed on as he pointed a finger at Delphine, “You best get your fanny in there French Curls. She's been practically begging for you, you know.”

 

\- - -

 

Cosima looked up as Delphine pushed the door open, poked her head in. “Hi,” she smiled thinly from the bed, waving her free hand.

“Sarah said that you asked for me,” Delphine said in reply, tactfully choosing not to mention exactly what she had heard Sarah say about dragging Cosima down. “Because you were having... a nightmare?”

_You don't belong with either of them._ “A.. a nightmare. Right,” she said blankly, what little colour that she had regained during recovery quickly drained at the god-awful cackling in her ears. _You'll never find a home._ “I...,” she started, but she couldn't spill her fears to Delphine as easily as she had babbled them to Sarah. _You can't trust her,_ her thoughts told her, like a mantra. _You can't trust her, she betrayed you. She lied to you, she hurt you, you can't trust her, you can't._

“You didn't ask for me, did you, Cosima?” she asked next, her words weighted.

“No, no no!” Cosima was quick to cut in, accidentally gesturing frantically with both hands, causing her to wince as she rested her cast back on top of the sheets gently. “I did, I asked for you!” she assured her eagerly, though why she was lying to Delphine about this situation wasn't entirely clear to her. Maybe it was just because she believed that everybody deserved to feel wanted. And Cosima was the only one who _wanted_ Delphine just then.

“Then why are you so hesitant to talk to me? You are frightened, cherie, I can see it,” Delphine encouraged gently, taking the cast and kissing her uncovered fingers carefully in response to Cosima's frantic gestures. “Tell me what's wrong. Please...”

Cosima fought for a moment. She _needed_ to talk to someone and Sarah wasn't a given option at that moment. _But she lied to you. She betrayed you._ Finally, “I... I can't, Delphine.”

“Cosima...,” she murmured, her voice still heavy, “Why can't you, ma cherie?” she asked, a darker note of pain driving her usual low timbre even lower. And Cosima desired her, _god,_ did she ever desire her in that moment.

But even as her mind took in the image of Delphine before her once again, this beautiful French woman with a passion for science and an intelligence to rival hers, Cosima found her heart swelling with a completely idiotic need to feel Sarah's lips on her _everywhere._ So even as her mind screamed at her to commit, her heart just... _couldn't._ She couldn't because-

“Because you lied to me!” she exclaimed, her main reservation bursting forth in a single outpouring of emotion. “I... I can't talk to you and tell you, you.. you about... about anything anymore! We tried, Delphine, don't you.. you were... you've been with me, all these past months after we discovered that patent! And I've been trying, Delphine, and I thought I had it, I thought I was good... I thought.. I was _sure_ that _we_ were good! I... want us to work, Delphine! But... you, you broke my heart. And I'm not... we're not... I don't know.”

“I am so sorry,” she whispered, those words and that tone achingly familiar. “I want to be here for you, ever since the beginning I've wanted this.. this being by your side. And I have been here, through everything, _everything.._ with you.”

Cosima found herself nodding absently. Delphine _had_ been by her side through every situation that those months had thrown at them. From pulling her away from her textbooks before she fell asleep on them, to feeding her on those days that she was too weak to even get out of bed, to simply keeping her company.

But she had left. She left Delphine so she could be close to family, no matter how strange that definition of family sounded. To Sarah, so that she could feel safe. But she had been safe with Delphine, hadn't she? In all those months of research, never once did Delphine seem to attempt anything that would've compromised Cosima to the DYAD. But in those dark nights she when she just couldn't sleep, thoughts like _she betrayed you once, she'll do it again, how can you ever fully trust her after that?_ would float through her mind. And suddenly, the arms that were wrapped around her waist were entrapping instead of comforting in any sense of the word.

“Cosima...,” she murmured, gently bringing her out of her thoughts. She didn't continue until she had Cosima's gaze locked within hers. “Have I not been by your side? All those nights of research, all of those missed meals, the burnt coffee, the wrinkled sheets... we had a life built together, Cosima. It was strained, yes, because of my employers and I've had to tiptoe around certain topics with you.. but I've still fallen for you, cherie. And I _am_ on your side. You know this, you know that I am.”

“You've said that before, right after I found out you were lying to me,” she replied sharply, her eyes dark.

“I have been trying to prove myself to you, Cosima,” she said earnestly, leaning closer, her hand inches away from Cosima's. “Everything I've done since you trusted me with your sickness has been for _you._ What's stopping you from believing in that?”

“Nothing is! It's just.. I'm.. I'm confused, alright,” she gave, dropping her anger in favour of exhaustion. “There's.. other things,” she continued, her mouth faltering on the word. Because whatever she felt towards Sarah, those feelings weren't simple _things._ “Other things going on right now that I need to sort through,” she finished quietly.

When Delphine spoke next, her voice was as just as quiet as Cosima's had been. And when she spoke, her words gave Cosima the chilling impression that her mind had just been read. “It's Sarah, is it not?”

“Sar- what? I.. no, no no, I.. I don't know what you're talking about. Sarah's just... no, it's.. uh, nothing,” she stumbled, her words tight, voice high. _Shit, Cosima. Way to be obvious._

Delphine regarded her then, her gaze piercing. “She does have a way about her, you know.”

“I know what?” Cosima deflected hastily, “That she has a way about pissing me off all the time, because all we do is argue and we never get along, so-”

“But you love her,” the French woman said simply, her tone matter-of-fact, like that declaration was already done and decided.

“Duh,” Cosima rolled her eyes, but inwardly, her heart was pounding. _Where was she going with all of this?_ “She's my sister, I kinda have to love her. I'd be constantly pissed off at her if I didn't love her. But I mean, I'm kinda always pissed at her, so-”

“Cosima,” Delphine cut in, shaking her head slightly, her curls bouncing left and right with the movement of her head. “You know that that is not what I meant.”

“Delphine...,” Cosima began cautiously, “Why... why are you doing this? Shouldn't you be, you know, trying to convince me that-”

“It was you who said it, Cosima,” she said, an undertow of sadness rushing under her simple words. “I... broke your heart. And you've had trouble trusting me ever since then. I can't do anything more for you. But Sarah's been there for you. Even though she's fought with you, she's never stopped fighting _for_ you. And I can see that.. ma cherie.”

“Is this it then?” Cosima asked, her brow furrowing as she fought tears. _But she should be happy, shouldn't she be? She didn't have to worry about betraying one or the other. Delphine had taken care of that for her. So why did it hurt so goddamn much?!_

“I'm not going to tell you who you should be with, Cosima,” she responded, “I am selfish; if I could keep you all to myself, you know I would. But I want you to be happy. Your smile means more to me than my own happiness. Especially with your.. sickness,” she paused as she looked at Cosima laying on the bed, noting the gathering tears there. “And if you choose Sarah... you should know this, cherie; that I love you, Cosima Niehaus. From the first moment I met you, you were no longer a tag number. You were.. you _are_ a breathing, moving and living human being.

“And you are not just living, you are _alive,_ and I've seen you and your passion and curiosity for the world and how it excites you. How _everything_ excites you. And despite the way we had to come to know each other, despite the lies that our relationship first began on, everything I felt for you then, and everything I feel for you now... none of that has been a lie.

“I'm not saying this to keep you,” she said softly after a small pause while she bit her lip in consideration, “Or to claim you as mine. Because what I've learned about you, Cosima, is that you are not a woman who can be kept. You wont let anything tie you down. Do not let me be the thing that holds you back, because I just want you to be happy. Whoever you choose to be happy with.”

“Shit, Delphine,” were the only words that Cosima could give voice to. “You just.. that was... I'm... I, um-”

“I said much, I know. I am sorry. But... it's something I've been thinking about a long time, cherie, ever since you left Minneapolis one month ago. So I will give you the same courtesy. Take as much time as you need, d'accord? I will love you no matter what you decide.” With that, she stood from her chair, stooping a little to kiss her on the forehead, a move that made Cosima ache in her bones for _Sarah_ , and headed out the door with only a small, sad smile in her direction, framed in red.

 

\- - -

 

“I'm surprised you're not pacing by now,” Felix smirked over at Sarah, who, despite fidgeting with everything within reach, was still sitting. “Getting used to the idea that she's not yours?”

“She's never _been_ mine, Felix,” she snarled, the stress from the past few days causing her temper to be shorter than usual. Which was saying something. “Why do you keep trying to play matchmaker? With _clones_ for chrissake?!” It was a testament to her frustration that she hardly kept her voice down at the mention of the “C” word.

“Whoa, okay, just relax,” he backed off, putting a hand up in a show of surrender.

“I'd relax more if you'd just stop-” she started, rounding on her brother in exasperation, her expression one of angered blame underneath the obvious exhaustion that dulled her eyes and drooped her features.

“I'm trying to help you, Sarah,” he explained patiently.

“And how is encouraging whatever these shite feelings are towards Cosima _helping_ me, exactly? Because you said it, that Delphine and her have ended up shagging, so how can I even possibly compete with that?” she asked, but the questions were already rhetorical in her mind. She _couldn't_ compete with Delphine, so why was she even continuing to try?

“Because you've never broken her heart. Or betrayed her trust,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Honestly, Sarah, how could you have missed that?”

“Oi, I didn't _miss_ it, I just-”

“And she feels safe with you,” he added on quickly.

“Wha?” Sarah replied back with a start. “Safe? When.. did she say that?” she asked, her words almost indiscernible through a large yawn.

“The night you left for S's and had to come back because she was bloody crying on the couch,” he explained quickly, but cut her off again before she could continue further, “Exactly _when_ was the last time you slept, Sarah?”

“Yesterday,” she said defensively even as she scrubbed guiltily at her eyes.

“And how many hours was that?” he prodded further as she let out another yawn.

“Long enough,” she shrugged casually. Felix just gave her a long look in reply until she caved, her body sagging in exhaustion. “I couldn't sleep at home Fee,” she confessed quietly, “I couldn't sleep knowing that she was here by herself. I woke up every hour, panicked that something had happened to her. And I hated leaving her here last night, I just couldn't-”

“So stay next time,” he said, then elaborated at her confused expression, “Stay with her tonight. They do allow visitors in the ward overnight.”

“No they-”

“They allow _family_ ,” he stressed, cutting her off with a sharp look. “And those that the patient allows. Go on. Mention it to Cosima when Frenchie gets out.”

At the mention of Delphine, Sarah sagged even more. “And if Cosima wants _her_ to stay as well?”

“Then you better learn to get along. Because whether you like it or not, Cosima needs the both of you.”

 

\- - -

 

Just as Felix had said, nobody questioned her when she remained stubbornly in one of the two plastic visitor's chairs by Cosima's bed. “You look awful Sarah,” Cosima teased, nudging the other woman's shoulder with her foot.

“Just tired,” she shrugged, her heart hurting. _She made her choice. And it wasn't me._

“Then why are you still here?” Cosima shot back, unable to help herself as she remembered Sarah's words earlier that day, _Leave me the bloody hell alone._ “Visiting hours are over. I've got Delphine coming to keep me company tonight, so you can just go home.”

At Cosima's tone, Sarah sat up from where she was resting her arms by Cosima's feet and was ready to fire back a response, but when it was suggested to go home, she deflated. A small scoff escaped her lips as she shook her head. “You don't get it,” she muttered.

“And what don't I get, exactly?” she shot right back, hoping to get some kind of familiar response out of Sarah. She _needed_ it. During her time in Canada, their relationship had slowly begun to develop into something deeper than just the tug and pull of their constant bickering. And while the emotional and physical exploration had become this wonderful mystery that appealed to every aspect of Cosima's inquisitive nature, it was also driving her nuts. Their back and forth bickering... that was simple. Wherever their relationship was currently headed... that was definitely _not._

And so, Sarah's response allowed Cosima to breathe momentarily. “Going _home_ doesn't help, Cosima,” she snarled, then softened, her next words so quiet that Cosima almost mistook them for a breathless sigh. “Not when my home is right here. Laying on this bed.”

_Shit,_ Cosima thought, _I'm not really getting out of this, am I?_ “I... I never really said thank you. For, for.. earlier. When you woke me up from my nightmare this morning. And.. helped to, to.. calm me down,” she said quietly after a moment during which she watched Sarah's fingers curl into a fist after her cautious statement.

“You needed help. I was there. I'm sure Delphine would have been equally as capable at comforting you and relaxing you,” she said shortly, leaving it at that as her fist remained taut on the bed, her gaze landing elsewhere, anywhere else away from Cosima's eyes.

“I don't trust her like I trust you,” Cosima admitted gently, nudging again with her foot so that Sarah's attention was reluctantly drawn back to her. “And... and I.. don't feel safe with her,” she continued, looking directly into her eyes and speaking the word slowly to ensure that Sarah caught her exact meaning. “Like I feel safe with you.”

“Bloody shite Cosima,” Sarah snapped suddenly, slamming the fist down on the bed near her foot. “What've I told you about messing around?!”

Cosima started in shock, but a retort was already tingling on her tongue. “Telling you that I feel safer around you isn't mess-”

“Yes it is!” she snarled, and suddenly, the air around her was completely blood red. Cosima paled; she hadn't even noticed the apparitions against the bleaching fluorescent lights. But with Sarah's anger coursing through her, their outline was completely obvious, and they seemed to flare open and arch high towards the ceiling. Through all this, Sarah continued to growl, not noticing the way that Cosima had long since shrunk back from her. “Because it means that you trust me more than you trust her! And when you love someone, it means you trust them with your life! And if you trust me to calm you down more than you do Delphine, what does that say about the way you feel?!”

“Sarah, I... you just-”

“But all I've been seeing from you and your actions,” she went on, her whole face and body transformed in her anger, “Is just how bloody much you love Delphine, and how you're only using me! So when I tell you to quit messing around, I bloody mean it Cosima!” And with her final exclamation, her wings snapped shut and vanished, the only red hue now found on Sarah's face was from the natural flush of her anger.

“I haven't been using you, Sarah,” Cosima said after a quiet moment while she regained the words that were torn from her at the emotion in Sarah and the appearance of her wings. “I've been just as confused as you, okay. There's something about you that's different than Delphine and it's not like it's better or anything, it just.. is. And I.. I've been trying to sort that out. Will you let me do that?”

“I...,” she began, and for a moment Cosima thought she'd try to press her into a decision right then and there. But she just released her hand from its fist and wove shaking fingers through her dark tresses. “Yeah. Sure Cos. You take your time. I just... yeah. I need sleep,” she murmured, sounding completely drained after her outburst.

“I'll wake you if I need anything,” she replied softly as Sarah discarded her jacket onto the chair back and folded her arms on the foot of the bed and immediately closed her eyes without reply. Then, because it seemed to be the right thing to do, Cosima sat up and scooted closer to her with not a slight amount of struggle and pain and bent forward to kiss her on the top of her head.

Sarah's breath hitched at the feel of the light touch, but otherwise didn't open her eyes as she mumbled, “You really went to all that work for a stupid kiss on my head?”

Settling back against her pillow once more, using only one hand and a lot of bum-shuffling to get back in place, she shrugged, knowing that Sarah would hear the motion in the tone of her voice. “You've always done that to me when I've been upset and it always calms me down somehow. I.. I just wanted you to feel, uh, a little more.. at home, you know?”

And Sarah just smiled, the expression the most genuine that Cosima had ever seen on the other woman. “Goodnight Cos,” she mumbled, her words already lost to the sleep that she hadn't been able to find since Cosima first fell.

 

\- - -

 

Delphine arrived shortly after Sarah had fallen asleep to find Cosima with the same magazine that she had first found her reading propped open in her hand. “Not much else to read around here, hm cherie?” she laughed lightly, her heart soaring as she watched Cosima smile unconsciously in response to the sound.

“What gave it away?” Cosima said with a roll of her eyes and a yawn.

She gestured to the cover of the glossy paperback with a small smile, “I have never known you to be interested in interior decorating.”

“Yeah, it's kinda dry. Though there was a section on the science of colour,” she said, etching the air with the two fingers of her free hand. “Apparently, according to this section titled 'How to Decorate Your Home', different colours affect a person's mood. Not like it really matters though,” she continued bitterly, tossing aside the magazine carelessly, “It's not like I've been anywhere long enough to be able to call anything home.”

“Perhaps, when you recover,” Delphine began slowly, hesitantly, “You could... come back with me. If, for nothing else, just for you to be able to conduct your own experiments.”

“We could put our minds together again,” Cosima nodded in thought absently. _But could I do that to her? After leaving Delphine, could I really leave Sarah after everything that's happened?_ “I don't know if I'll be able to fly so soon after getting out of the hospital though. You know, doctor might order bed rest and all that.”

“Yes, of course,” she nodded abruptly, “You will need more time to think about it.”

“What? Delphine no, that's not what I-”

“But it is what you implied.”

“Delphine... what happened to giving me as much time as I needed?” Cosima questioned, her tone radiating the slightest amount of anger. _She's lying to you again. Last time it was her actions, this time it's her words._

“I am not asking you to find a home in me, Cosima,” Delphine replied with her own edge, causing Cosima to sit up slightly in surprise and fascination that she had actually managed to drive her that far. “The suggestion I am giving you is merely with your best interest in mind. You should know this; that you cannot possibly do as much in the flat as you could do back in a proper laboratory.”

“Obvs,” Cosima rolled her eyes again, feeling her ire rise, “You think my reason for staying here is because of the amount of research I can do at Felix's? Of course I know that I can't do shit at his place, it's a dump, alright. I know that.”

“Then come back!” Delphine urged, momentarily forgetting that Sarah was nearby, only freezing when a slight noise of discontent breathed past the punk woman's lips.

“You said that you would give me time, Delphine,” Cosima hissed back. “You can't expect-”

“I mean to give you time to sort out your affections, Cosima! This research that I am aiding you with, at a great risk to myself, as you clearly understand, is more than what's going on in your heart! I am not asking you to come back for myself, it is for you that I-”

“It sure seems pretty selfish, Delphine,” Cosima cut off contemptuously. And, before Delphine could rally a response, she continued, pointing to Sarah with a sharp jab, “And just so you know? _She's_ the reason I haven't left yet. And _she's_ why I'm definitely not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“So you have.. made up your mind then,” Delphine said softly, sadness slashing at her words. “I could see... but.. I still had hoped that, well... No matter. You love her, then, yes?”

“I... she...,” she began, but fell at a complete loss for words. She bit her lip, forced herself to continue, avoiding the answer that she knew to be true in her heart, “I.. _loved_ you Delphine. And I still love you. But I just.. can't shake the thought that you work for _them,_ Delphine. And every time I remember that I.. I'll feel that betrayal all over again. The hurt from that broken heart, the.. the, the pain from our first fight.

“And then I see Sarah... and she's.. she's never hurt me like that. Like you have. And.. I understand, believe me, I do, that you were just doing your job but... I.. I can't be with someone who might have another agenda. I'm not saying that you don't love me, because obvs, I know you do but... it seems like.. when you're asking me to come back, I just...,” she sighed heavily, leaving words of betrayal and excuses thick in the air as she continued, “But Sarah.. she's different. I _know_ that she's always put me first. In everything. It's.. what she does. She _protects._ She uses all of her strength and her intensity to protect her family, her daughter... to protect _me._ She didn't have to call you to let you know that I was here in the hospital, but she did anyway _because_ she knew that I would have wanted you to be here. That's what she does, Delphine, she puts other people first.”

“I would-” Delphine tried.

“You would too, I know that,” Cosima replied just as swiftly, sweeping a hand through the air. “But you work for an organization that doesn't exactly allow its employees to think freely like that, you know?”

“You are... sure that this is your choice?”

“I..,” Cosima started, the word hanging on her hesitation for an age. Then, “Yes. I love you Delphine, but... well-”

Without a word, she leaned forward and kissed Cosima, a soft and lingering touch. A goodbye. “I understand, cherie,” she whispered, reaching out one last time to brush gentle fingers against the soft skin of her jawline. Cosima closed her eyes at the familiarity of the act, realizing just then that that touch had always been woven throughout their relationship, through their days and months together. And, in the darkness of her eyelids, she found herself wanting, _craving,_ to keep that touch in her life. Because she just couldn't understand why her heart had chosen the woman at her feet instead.

“Goodnight.. my love,” she breathed and Cosima let the words wash over her, fall on top of her, not knowing when, if ever, she'd hear those syllables from one Delphine Cormier's mouth again. She opened her eyes to respond, to say goodbye, but by the time she had, the other woman, the one she still wanted to love, was gone.

 

\- - -

 

Sarah drifted into consciousness at the hush sounds of distressed voices. More specifically, Cosima's distressed voice. She was about to open her eyes, ask what was wrong, when she caught a hint of their conversation.

“...this is your choice?” she heard Delphine speak, and Sarah tensed on the bed at Cosima's feet, straining her ears as she lay deathly still to pick up Cosima's response. Her hearing was slightly muffled by the way that she was resting her head, her senses were still muffled from sleep, but Cosima's words came as clearly to her as if they whispered deliberately into her ear.

“I love you, Delphine.”

Those were the words that she knew to be inevitable. Had still been desperately hoping against. Clinging to the irrationality that maybe Cosima was addressing Delphine with a different kind of love, Sarah slit her gaze and tried to take in the scene past her lashes. She had to shift slightly to get their faces in view, but when she did she saw Delphine lean in and capture Cosima's contented expression with a kiss.

As she shut her eyes again, her heart burning with betrayal, she knew that she couldn't blame her. No, she couldn't blame Cosima one bit for choosing Delphine over her. Because at the end of the day, at the end of most things, everyone chose something else over Sarah Manning. That was always her life, her reality. And despite there being something indescribably different about Cosima, despite the primal hope that Cosima would finally break the cycle, it turned out that she was exactly the same as the others. And that was the most shattering part of it all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been such a long wait for a new chapter. I'm not sure if there will be an update after this one - I've lost a lot of passion for this fic over the past few years and it's hard to continue writing when there doesn't seem to be anyone interested in following along with this story anymore. 
> 
> Anyway. That's where I'm at. Enjoy the new chapter!

“I wish I did not have to leave so suddenly, Cosima,” Delphine's voice filtered through Cosima's ear as she fought a yawn, having been woken up by the call.

“No, no, it's fine,” Cosima assured her quickly, watching as Sarah pulled her face from the end of the bed. Cosima stifled a small smile at the sleepy image Sarah created, red lines from the wrinkled sheets imprinted on one cheek as she blinked a few times, jaw gaping in a yawn of her own. “I mean,” Cosima continued, her eyes still tracking Sarah's movements absently. “They would have noticed your absence eventually right?”

“It was no problem,” she admitted through a rustle of static, making it hard to distinguish her tone. “I had told them that your condition was worsening and that I needed to monitor you more closely.”

Something ugly twisted in Cosima's gut as she remembered the truth of Delphine's job. _Monitor first, lover second._ Even if the lines between the two often blurred. “Right,” she swallowed hard, forcing brightness into her tone instead of bitterness. _She left on a positive note, Cosima,_ she told herself, _Try to keep it that way._ “Yeah so.. so they don't, like, suspect anything or whatever.”

“Nothing,” she replied.

“That's good,” Cosima hummed absently as Sarah started to stand, gathering her coat in her arm. Cosima felt her heart drop in slight panic. _She was leaving?_

“...continue research for your cure the moment I land, d'accord?” Delphine was saying earnestly.

“I.. yeah,” she clued in, turning her attention back on the conversation momentarily. Lowering her voice in concern, she continued, “Just.. be careful, alright Delphine? Don't put yourself in danger just to cure me, okay?”

“Cosima,” she replied seriously, “I will do everything I can for you. You shouldn't worry about me.. focus on getting better, yes?”

“Delphine, this isn't up for debate,” Cosima began, frustrated by the French woman's obstinate behaviour, her emotions on edge as she glanced up again to see Sarah heading for the door. “Just... hang on a sec, alright?” she sighed before turning the phone into her shoulder as she called out, “Hey, uh... heading out then, I guess?”

“Yeah,” she replied, drawing her jacket closer to herself, barely meeting Cosima's eyes. “Off to see Kira.”

“Sure, yeah,” she nodded, feeling disappointment cloud slightly in her gut, despite her understanding. _She can't hang around here all the time._ “Um, see you later then, right?”

“I.. yeah, sure Cos. Tomorrow maybe,” Sarah nodded before flashing Cosima a tight, worn out smile and leaving her alone.

“Cosima?” Delphine said, continuing once Cosima confirmed her presence on the line. “I... they are calling passengers to board now.”

“Yeah... uh, right,” Cosima said heavily, feeling a little disoriented at Sarah's sudden departure. Then, cluing in on the similar heaviness in Delphine's tone, “Delphine.. are you alright? After everything?”

There was silence on the other end of the line for a few moments. “I will not lie to you Cosima. I wish you could be on this plane with me so that we could work _together_ again to cure you. But...,” she sighed again, “I cannot deny what I've seen between you and Sarah. I just want you to promise me one thing. Please.”

“Sure, Delphine,” was the quiet reply.

“Let me continue to be a part of your life? However that looks between us. I just don't want to lose you.”

“Delphine, I.. of course. Of course you're still going to be a part of my life. No matter what, you'll be a part of it. Of me. After all,” Cosima gave a dry laugh, “You kinda are, you know, doing some crazy science shit to try and save my life.”

Delphine laughed lightly as well, before becoming somber once more. “I am about to board... I will call as soon as I land?”

“Yeah, fine,” she nodded, “Keep me updated and, like, as soon as you know anything, right.”

“Of course,” the other woman replied, and Cosima could just picture the attentive nod accompanying her words.

“We'll... we'll talk soon, then.”

“Take care, Cosima,” she answered softly.

Cosima smiled lightly in reply, “You too. Bye.” She hung up and set her phone on the nearby table, arching her back in a small stretch before grabbing one of the books that Sarah had brought to her in earlier on during her stay, and began to read in silence.

 

\- - -

 

“Thanks for picking me up Fee,” Sarah sighed as she dropped into the passenger seat with a heavy thud.

He just nodded as he pulled out of the parking lot, turning in the direction of Mrs. S's. “So?” he prompted without preamble.

“So?” Sarah grumbled back, unwilling to oblige him in his curiousity.

“Did you and Cosima get along last night?” Felix asked, wiggling his eyebrows at her as they waited at a traffic light.

“God, stop,” she groaned, crossing her arms and looking out the window, trying her best to ignore the insinuations she felt rolling off of him in waves.

“That good, was it?”

“For Delphine maybe, I'm sure,” she gave, frustration and just the slightest amount of hurt seeping into her words.

Felix was silent then, recognizing from his sister's tone that this wasn't the time to play the judgement card. He waited for more, but when Sarah wasn't forthcoming with further information, he plied for details, “Well, what happened?”

Sarah held out on a reply for as long as possible, setting up barriers and barricades in her mind; anything to get away from the feeling of her stomach dropping out from under her at the memory of Cosima's words. Eventually, with a long sigh, she caved, “She told Delphine that she loved her.”

“But you already knew that, didn't you?” he reasoned as he parked in front of their childhood home.

“Course I did,” she answered gruffly as she shouldered open the door and stepped out into the cool morning air. “I just thought that she...,” she trailed off, shaking her head at her brother's inquisitive look as she turned towards the house.

“Sarah,” he said, stopping her on the sidewalk with a hand on her arm. “Did you tell her?”

“There's nothing to-” Sarah started to protest, pulling her arm sharply away from Felix's reach.

“Don't give me that bloody shite Sarah,” he warned her, folding his arms as he tapped a finger impatiently.

“Would you just leave it out Fee?” she sighed again, “I heard Cos say it herself last night, so. That's the end of it, yeah?”

“You could at least talk to her!” he called after her back as she turned away from him and headed up the sidewalk once more.

She just waved her hand tiredly as the door opened at her approach, revealing Mrs. S standing there, her arms folded at the sight of Sarah lugging herself tiredly up the stairs. “Look what the cat dragged in,” she stated with a quirk of her lips.

“Oi, oi, S,” Sarah half-grumbled, brushing past her foster mom with a slight smile of her own. “Where's my monkey?” she called up the steps as Felix came in behind her.

“Mummy!” Kira's voice sounded from the landing above, the joyful cheer accompanied by a rapid tattoo of footsteps down the stairs.

“Hey monkey,” Sarah breathed happily as she knelt, feeling at least one weight lift from her chest the moment Kira collided solidly with her frame. “We missed you so much, yeah?”

“I missed you too,” she replied, burying her head in Sarah's shoulder, her words muffled slightly by Sarah's tangled hair. “But you stink!”

Sarah laughed as she gave Kira one final squeeze and released her. “It's just the hospital smell, monkey. But you're right. S?” Sarah nodded up the stairs, “I'll be a few, yeah?”

“Go on and get yourself clean. I didn't raise you to be a dirty ruffian, now did I?” Mrs. S waved her off as Felix swooped Kira up, “I'll put the kettle on. I'm sure we have a lot to talk about.”

 

A short while later, Sarah came back down the stairs, towel still draped over her shoulders to catch the drips from the ends of her thick mane of hair. “Cuppa?” Mrs. S asked as Sarah settled into her usual chair across the table, which allowed her to watch Kira and Felix play while still holding the conversation.

“Got anything stronger?”

Mrs. S nudged the tea pot towards Sarah with a stern look, “This is the better bet, wouldn't you agree?”

She shrugged, didn't bother to argue. “What do you want to know?”

“How is Cosima? I've only been getting bits and pieces from you over the past little while. Difficult to line them all up,” she started, looking over the rim of her mug at Sarah.

“Well, uh, Felix told you about how she fell yeah?” Sarah explained, feeling her gut clench at the memory of the cracking bones. Shook her head to clear her mind of the sound as Mrs. S nodded. “And Delphine flew down shortly after that.. after I called her and all that-”

“You called her? Sarah, what on earth for?”

Sarah shrugged again, trying to be nonchalant, trying to forget Cosima's words that were uttered to Delphine not a few short hours ago. “Cosima lo... cares about her,” she explained blankly, cutting herself off when the word stuck in her throat. Hoping Mrs. S wouldn't notice.

Her expression narrowed shrewdly at Sarah's slip up, squashing that hope immediately. “Is there something going on between you and Cosima?”

“Shite,” she growled, smacking the table with a fist, causing the cups to rattle in their saucers. “First Fee, then Delphine.. now you. I'll never catch a bloody break.”

“Oh.. well,” Mrs. S raised her eyebrows as she pinched her lips together, “That's certainly a.. development, isn't it now?”

“Like bloody hell it is,” Sarah gave, but clammed up immediately after, opting for a sip of tea instead of further explanation.

“And how did this come about?”

“I'm starting to think I should've just stayed at the hospital,” Sarah grumbled again, directing her gaze over Mrs. S's shoulder to the living room where Felix and Kira were playing. Her daughter caught her eye and giggled as she waved.

“With Cosima, you mean,” Mrs. S asked pointedly.

“Honestly,” she raked a hand through her hair, blowing out frustrated air through her nostrils, “You're just as bad as he is,” she gestured over to Felix as she took another drink.

“Family sticks together like that, I suppose.”

“Yeah. I guess they do.”

 

\- - -

 

With Delphine still on the plane and Sarah spending time with her daughter, Cosima had nothing else to do. She had already flipped through every channel that the tiny TV across the room had to offer and had fiddled with the controls of her adjustable bed so much that the nurse on duty had them covered up and placed under a child-lock. “What else do you expect me to do?” Cosima had said as the nurse tapped in a code that Cosima couldn't see.

“Resting would be a good start,” the nurse answered as she turned away.

“But I feel fine! And I'm bored,” Cosima rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest, acting in such a manner that absolutely earned the child-lock device on the controls.

“Rest,” was, once again, the firm statement before Cosima was left alone. And still _completely_ bored.

That was a few hours ago. She had tried to pick up her book and read some more since then, but her head had just felt dull and her mind had been too restless to take in the still and silent words on the page. With nothing else to do, she called the nurse in and asked for the bed to be lowered back into a horizontal position and, despite it being still fairly early in the afternoon, allowed her eyes to drift shut.

 

She had almost fallen asleep when the lights started flickering. She rolled over and pushed her face into the pillow, trying to ignore the way that the intermittent light was stimulating her senses into wakefulness. It wasn't until she shifted again, trying to get comfortable, that she realized that, even through closed eyelids, it was suddenly much darker.

A demonic laugh caused Cosima's eyes to snap open in the gloom, her pupils adjusting to the sudden loss of overhead light. Fuzzy images had just begun to appear in the half-light when a voice sounded at the foot of her bed.

“Hey Cos.”

“Jesus Sarah,” Cosima let out a shaky laugh upon recognizing Sarah's voice, “You scared me. I thought you went home to be with Kira, you asshole.”

“I didn't,” Sarah continued softly as she drew closer to Cosima's bedside. “I couldn't leave you alone. Now that Delphine's gone, I mean.”

Cosima was silent for a moment as she reached for her glasses and stretched, blinking away the sleep that she hadn't been able to catch in the first place. “I'm glad you came back, Sarah,” she murmured gently.

“I'm not,” Sarah snapped unexpectedly as she finally stepped close enough for Cosima to make out her frame. “I didn't want to come back, don't you see?”

Cosima squinted, glasses precariously placed on the bridge of her nose. Something wasn't right. “Sarah, what's-”

A demonic cackle bounced around the room once more as Sarah's face finally materialized from the darkness. But there was something underneath her skin, something _black,_ that made Cosima's gut twist in anxiety.

“She left to get away from you,” the voice, which was no longer Sarah's comforting accent, pointed out with another menacing laugh. “You realize that she can't stand you? Your genius brain has surely figured that out by now.”

Cosima fumbled for a reply, her perception of the situation warped as her mind tried to process that, while the voice clearly wasn't Sarah's, everything else still matched. Those were Sarah's eyes glaring at her, Sarah's mouth sneering. Sarah's hands locked in an iron grip around her shoulders.

“I'm dreaming,” Cosima tried strongly, grasping Sarah's, _no, not Sarah's,_ wrists in an attempt to wiggle free. “This isn't real.”

Its mouth opened and the putrid smell of her last nightmare poured out, forcing Cosima's weak lungs into spasm as she turned her head and desperately wished to escape. To wake up. “Is that what you think, Cos?” it asked, it's weight pressing her deeper and deeper into the mattress. She was going to fall again. Just like last time. She struggled, twisting left and right, but its grip was cinched around her shoulders like steel and it wasn't letting go.

“I'm sleeping. I just need to wake up,” she commanded of herself firmly, but her brain was all jumbled up from the very _real_ input it was getting from her senses.

“Why?” it hissed, “You've had an out-of-body experience before... how do you know this is different, hm?”

“Let... go,” she thrashed again, scrabbling with a weakened grip at its arms as its hands crawled up her neck, its weight bearing down entirely now on her throat.

“I could kill you,” it singsonged, the stench from its breath washing over her, choking her. “Right here, right now.”

“Sarah... Sarah wouldn't,” she wheezed, her words thin and airless.

“I'm not Sarah, little girl.”

_Wake up Cosima. That's all you have to do._

“Sarah's not here to protect you.”

_But how? How could she wake up? Her brain was already telling her that she was awake._

“She can't protect you from your mind. This is all you, don't you know?”

_Her brain might've been saying that... but.. her body..._

“You're addicted to pain; that's why you created me. You might think that Sarah's your guardian angel, but where is she now? Not here. Not with you.”

_Stop trying to breathe._

 

“Cosima? Cos?!”

 

“You're going to give up so soon?” it asked her, easing up on her throat slightly. Cosima fought the urge to gasp, to gulp in lungfuls of air. “You're just going to leave Sarah alone like that?”

 

“Cos, you need to wake up! Cos? Cos, please! I'm right here okay?”

 

Cosima shook her head, not daring herself to speak. She felt her body fuzzing as her vision blurred and almost felt some minute amount of triumph; or, at least, she would've if her body wasn't throwing itself into a panic override as it tried to function with the last few millilitres of oxygen she had left in her blood.

 

“Please... come back to me...”

 

“You can't go back to her. She doesn't want you,” it berated her, retracting one of its skeletal hands from her throat, tracing the sharpened bone down her neck, to her chest, where it latched into her flesh and dug into her lungs. “She left because she wanted to get away from you.”

 

“Cosima, you have to wake up. Please.. please, I need you to wake up.”

 

“You're wrong,” Cosima finally spoke, as best she could with blood dribbling out past her lips from the exacerbated lung tissue. “Sarah does want me.” Then she finally surrendered to the darkness, hoping she was right, and that she'd come out alive on the other side.

 

\- - -

 

“Sarah Manning?”

Her head snapped up, her whole body lurching to stand as she locked eyes with a nurse holding a clipboard. “Yeah?” she asked, stuffing trembling hands into her pockets. To hide her fear.

“Your sister's awake. You can see her now.”

“Thanks,” Sarah muttered, all but tearing off in the direction of Cosima's room, ripping past the curtain that partitioned off her bed from the rest of the world. “Cos?” she spoke hesitantly, hating the machines and the tubes and the needles that surrounded her.

“Sarah?” Cosima asked wearily, blinking slowly up at Sarah, who stood in the middle of the room, suddenly looking so very unsure of herself.

“Uh.. hey.”

“Everything alright?” Cosima cocked her head, gesturing to the chair by her bed.

Sarah scoffed at the question, but didn't move otherwise. “You're asking me that? You're the one who had a seizure.”

“Yeah... about that..,” she shrugged, like waking up to unfamiliar faces and bright lights and loud voices and _no Sarah_ wasn't a big deal. “Look,” she sighed, exasperated, gesturing to the chair again, “Would you just sit down? You're making me nervous.”

“I... uh,” Sarah hesitated again, her hand tangling itself in her hair, “I can't stay. Just checking in on you, make sure you're good and all that.”

“But Sarah-”

“And you are, so I'm gonna go then,” she stretched a smile onto her lips, but it just looked painful.

“Sarah!” Cosima tried again, but Sarah had already turned and disappeared from view behind that stupid curtain. “But I'm not fine...”

 

\- - -

 

Two weeks later, Cosima was let out of the hospital with strict orders to get plenty of rest for another week- "At the very least," the nurse warned her as she went about unhooking Cosima from her various machines. "If you're too active, it will slow the healing of your ribcage and increase the risk of a lung infection. Understand?"

“Sure,” she nodded absently, already fumbling for her phone as the final tube, the IV in her arm, was pulled free. _Increase the risk of a lung infection,_ Cosima thought with an inward eye roll, _Sure. As if I'm not already coughing up blood every five seconds._

“The wrist brace can come off in a few days, as long as you're careful about not stressing the joint,” the nurse continued, raising half of Cosima's bed with the press of a button while Cosima

continued to thumb through her contacts, intent on calling Sarah. “So no hand talking,” she reprimanded sternly.

Cosima paused just before dialling Sarah at that. “Whatever you say doc,” she half-smiled, her tone dripping with condescension as she sought to drive the woman away. “Oh sorry, uh... _nurse._ Not smart enough to be a doctor, right?”

The woman was obviously insulted, but otherwise didn't take the bait. “You will need to find someone to pick you up from the reception area of the hospital. And you are not to drive for the next little while, either.”

Cosima stared at the nurse, _Liza_ _Conners_ her name tag read, and suddenly itched to drive her insane. It had been so long since she had been able to exchange snappy retorts with someone. In fact, the last time she had done so was- _was before her and Sarah started getting close. Clos_ er. “I could probably get a doctorate with my eyes closed,” she griped feebly, her snark falling on unimpressed ears. “And uh.. I.. once dated someone with the title 'doctor' as a part of their name, so-”

“Then you are welcome to call your _doctor_ girlfriend and get her to pick you up from the hospital, good day,” Nurse Conners cut across, her tone falling into that dangerous zone of over-politeness that reminded Cosima of Alison when provoked.

“Ex-girlfriend,” Cosima muttered after the nurse's disappearing heels, “Bitch,” she finished, trying to cover the stab of loss with annoyance. Besides, she didn't exactly _lose_ Delphine, she just didn't have her.. in that way.. anymore. And anyway, she had said goodbye to Delphine. They had parted on good terms.

Pushing thoughts of Delphine to the side, she turned her attention back to her phone, finally calling up Sarah. Her heart raced as it dialled, its beat irregular in the blank spaces between rings. _This is why she didn't have Delphine anymore. Because she chose Sarah instead._ “Hey,” she murmured hesitantly into the phone, remembering all too well how distant Sarah was the last time they had seen each other. Figuring she wouldn't get a reply right away, she continued on, “I guess you're not exactly thrilled to hear from me, like, for some reason, or whatever, but-”

“Yeah hi Cosima,” a masculine voice cut her off, Cosima's rambling dying on her lips at the unexpected timbre.

Felix. She pulled the phone away from her ear, checking the caller ID. Sarah. She _had_ dialled her, so why hadn't- “Is something wrong with Sarah?” she asked nervously, her fingers curling on top of her sheets, the cheap material bunching in her fist.

“I'll let her have that conversation with you. I wont play Felix in the middle. Again,” he added under his breath, the word clouded by an annoyed sigh. “Always seem to be running around for-”

“Then give her the phone, Felix,” she bit out, abruptly halting his muttered words. “I didn't call you, I called Sarah. You didn't need to pick up.”

“Apparently I did,” he said vaguely, his words accompanied by another long-suffering sigh.

“Just,” she growled, exasperated, slashing her braced hand through the air, eliciting an involuntary wince at the motion. _Damn nurse. Damn wrist._ “Put Sarah on speaker or something, if she's too busy to grab the phone. You've done your part, now I'll be happy to talk to her myself.”

“Oh, well, if _you're_ happy to talk to her, then everything's alright then, isn't it?” he replied, his tone sharpening with each word.

“What the hell are you-?” she started, her frustration dying off as reality took its place. The reality of the past two weeks she spent chained to hospital beds and mobile IV stands. Weeks from which Sarah had been suspiciously absent.

“You haven't realized by now that she's not talking to you?” Felix scoffed, his words chiseling the cracks in her heart wider. “And Sarah swore you were some kind of bloody genius.”

The notion that she should respond with a smart remark escaped her as some kind of black hole gaped open in the pit of her stomach. And she felt herself falling through darkness again, a sick, demonic laugh ringing faintly in the background static of her shock. “Do.. do you know why?” she asked hesitantly, figuring it was worth a shot.

“Brilliant scientist, I'm so sure,” he replied and Cosima heard a muffled laugh in the background and perked up. _Sarah._ But her laugh sounded off. Harsh. “If she hasn't told you, then I bloody well wont. That's her deal, Cosima.”

“And you're not playing Felix in the middle, alright. Fine, I get it,” she sighed, deciding that it was just best to let the whole idea drop for the time being. “Look, I just.. I called to tell Sarah that I need to be picked up. From the hospital, I mean.”

“You got released?”

She bobbed her head before belatedly realizing that he couldn't see her. “Yeah... uh, yeah, like, ten minutes ago," she muttered distractedly, her mind shuffling through all the possible scenarios that might point her to the reason for Sarah's avoidance.

“So you decided to call Sarah instead of your girlfriend,” Felix scoffed derisively. 

“Girl-” she started, then cut herself off with a heavy sigh. “Delphine's gone, Felix. Back to DYAD.”

“That must've been heartbreaking, I'm sure,” he said, his voice flat in the absence of sympathy.

“Just, come pick me up Felix. And tell Sarah that we need to talk,” she snapped and hung up on the infuriating man, resisting the urge to drop the phone with more force than necessary onto the bed. But almost acting on the motion ghosted a memory up to her mind; _Just stay out of my end and I'll stay out of yours. Bitch._ The remembered dialogue from so long ago made Cosima's insides tug in an intense longing to be near the other woman. A longing that was completely baffling and ridiculously insatiable.

Pushing air out of her slowly failing lungs, hoping to dispel the knots in her gut, she finally gathered her things and headed down to the lobby of the hospital to wait for Felix. And only Felix, apparently.

Down in the lobby, she twisted her fingers together, raising a hand on occasion to scratch between the rows of her dreads, before laughing at herself when she realized what she was doing. “There's nothing to be nervous about Cosima,” she muttered, dropping her hands to her lap, fingers tracing absently over the worn felt material of her red jacket, the familiar motion helping to calm her down somewhat. “Felix will probably just give you the cold shoulder because of Sarah for some reason, it'll be an awkward ride back to the flat, you'll talk to Sarah, figure out what the hell is wrong with her. No prob.” But it didn't feel like _no prob._

After several minutes of waiting, Cosima's clone phone rang from within her jacket pocket. She cursed the way her heart leapt, the way her hand jumped to her pocket faster than the first time she ever answered a question as she sat in on an evo-devo class as a high school student. She had learned her lesson after she had acted too fast on her feelings for Delphine and she wasn't planning on repeating that mistake anytime soon. But this was Sarah, she would never-

_Actually no, this_ was _Delphine._ Cosima palmed her phone, staring at the number that she had recently programmed into it, at the French woman's request. She remembered how Delphine explained that Cosima's regular cell number was stored within the DYAD's file on her, and that it would be best to dismantle her second phone as soon as possible. _It didn't matter anyway,_ she thought as she answered the call and wedged the phone against her shoulder, _I only had like, two numbers in there anyways._

“Hi,” she said, her brow wrinkling in confusion, “Delphine? Why are you... is, is everything alright?”

“Yes, I... yes,” she answered softly, but there was something in her tone that set Cosima on edge.

“Delphine, what-”

“Everything is fine, yes,” Delphine cut her off, breathing in a barely collected sigh. Deciding to wait her out, Cosima let the silence grow longer. “How are you ma- Cosima?” she continued, barely catching herself as a small amount of brokenness bled through into Cosima's name.

Cosima swallowed, pushed away the betraying rush of emotions at the almost appearance of the pet name. _Good terms,_ she forcibly reminded herself, _We came to an understanding. She knows that I chose Sarah. She_ let _me choose Sarah._ “I'm good Delphine. But you-”

Heavy silence filled her ear, and Cosima felt the weight behind each of Delphine's near-silent breaths. Anxiety clogged her throat as the silence drew on, its cold grip squeezing her lungs until air began escaping past parted lips in small wheezes. Then, “Are you truly okay, cherie?”

Cosima smiled softly at the way that Delphine couldn't keep herself from using the name that oft fell from her lips as easily as carbon dioxide, the name that had been a thoughtless habit in their relationship. Once.

Then the unexpectedness of the question registered with her. “I.. yeah, Delphine, I'm fine,” she replied, nonplussed. “I'm actually getting out today.”

Once more, Delphine was silent. “That is good to hear,” she whispered, and Cosima could picture the small nod of her head, the way her curls bounced with the movement. But the mental image also came with the glimmer of tears.

“Delphine,” Cosima murmured, and the familiarity of its tenderness was almost too much. “Are you okay? Did you find something?”

“I think I... but, non. It is nothing, do not worry. I must get back to work on your cure,” she dismissed and the tears vanished with an airy wave. “I love you, Cosima,” she finished, and Cosima's mental image, along with Delphine's voice, disappeared with a tiny beep.

“Chatting up your girlfriend I see,” Felix's voice sounded off to her left, causing her to look up from the _call ended_ message that blinked up from her screen.

She shoved her phone back into her pocket and rubbed her forehead in frustration. _Time for that awkward ride back to the flat,_ she thought as she swept up the small duffel bag of clothes that, along with the books, Sarah had brought at the beginning of her stay at the hospital and pushed past Felix without a word.

“Fine,” he called after her back and quickly overtook her with his long-legged strides. “Not denying it, I see.”

“Nothing I say or don't say is gonna change your mind, obvs,” she huffed in frustration as she turned the corner into the underground parking lot at Felix's gesture. “So I'm just choosing not to say anything at all.”

The only reply she got was the echoing of his high heel boots on the concrete and the small beep of the key remote as they approached the car. “Come on then,” he said at last, pointing impatiently at the trunk, “Throw your bag in. I was in the middle of a very important creative streak, and I'll have you know that it's been ruined now, thanks to you.”

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Sarah's the one who refused to drive out here, so blame her okay?”

He was silent for so long that Cosima thought he was just deigning to ignore the rest of their conversation because of _loyalty to Sarah,_ or some other shit. She couldn't fault him for that though, given that him and Sarah were practically blood related. And Cosima's relationship with “the enemy” probably wasn't earning her any brownie points with the man either.

He finally spoke up, his tone unfathomable. “You have no idea, do you?”

“Any idea about-” she started, irrational panic bubbling up her throat, feeling those iron fists as they seized her lungs again. _Is Sarah dying?_ Her stomach twisted at the thought, and a combination of acid and copper coating her tongue, making her dizzy. _That would explain her absence, maybe she has the disease but didn't want to worry me so she-_

“You broke my sister's heart,” he said bluntly.

Her first registered emotion was relief. _She's not dying,_ she sighed quietly. Then the real truth of Felix's words hit her. “I... I broke..,” she trailed off, stunned and uncomprehending. _I mean,_ she gaped inwardly as Felix tapped at the wheel while waiting for traffic to pass, _I knew Sarah was acting strange, not hanging around as much, but..._ “She.. she told you this?”

“She didn't have to,” he shrugged as he turned into the alley, the car rattling over the uneven curb and onto the even harsher, scarred pavement. “She hasn't told me much, really, but I pick up on things.”

“Things?” Cosima asked sharply, “What exactly d'you mean by that?”

“I told you before, I know Sarah,” he explained simply, “And I know when she's in love. I remember how bloody soft she went over Cal, though she wouldn't admit it. Silly bitch kept insisting he was just a mark,” he snorted, driving around to the side of the building and stopping the car.

Her mouth twisted slightly as she fought to keep jealousy towards this _Cal_ from twisting in her gut, telling herself that that must've been exactly how Sarah felt when she- “Oh shit,” she hissed under her breath, causing Felix to pause in the act of getting out of the car and look over. “She must've seen Delphine kiss me that night before she flew back to Minneapolis awhile ago.”

“After you've been kissing her? Bloody hell,” he sighed, stepping out of the car, “No wonder she's been so mopey. Christ.”

“I guess that explains her absence these past few weeks,” she muttered, dropping her head into her hand and blowing air out in a heavy sigh.

“You best get your fanny up there and talk to her then,” Felix said pointedly as he unlocked the gate at the base of the stairs with a slight jingle of his keyring.

“She's up there right now?” Cosima asked wearily, grabbing her bag from the trunk and slamming it shut. “Can't I just like, recuperate, or whatever, first?”

“Trust me, I know my sister. The longer you make her wait, the worse off you'll be.”

 

Sarah heard their muffled voices through the door a few seconds before Felix started knocking. “Shite,” she muttered to herself as she toyed with the handle of the screwdriver. She had to let them in. Of course she had to. But _them_ meant Cosima, and Cosima currently meant anger and hurt and disappointment... and she wasn't ready for the impending argument just yet.

“Sarah, you can't keep us locked out you, you know,” Felix huffed from the outside, “And it's about time the two of you talked!”

“Bloody hell Fee,” Sarah grumbled in exasperation, finally yanking the screwdriver free and shoving the door back to reveal Felix and Cosima standing there.

 

“Are you sure this is the best time right now?” Cosima asked as she lugged her bag up the stairs. Up the stairs and _closer to Sarah._ “Like, I said I need time to recover, you could totally take me back to S's or-”

“Cosima,” Felix stopped a few paces away from the entrance to his loft, “You don't _need_ any more time to recover, you've been in the hospital for three bloody weeks!”

“Time to recover from being out of the hospital?” Cosima tried feebly one last time. “Felix, come on, I can't do this!” she grabbed his arm, fully aware of how pathetic she sounded.

“Of course you can,” he said seriously, turning and placing his hand over hers as he gazed into her eyes. “Cosima, Sarah _misses_ you. She covers it up by acting all pissed off and wounded, but I haven't been her brother for almost her entire life for nothing. She _needs_ you right now.”

“If she apparently _needs_ me so badly, then why-?”

Felix cut her off with an exasperated sigh, “She's gone to great lengths to keep you around, you know. She even sacrificed her daughter for you. She put _Kira_ in danger _just_ so she could get some bone marrow to help cure _you.”_

“She... got some of Kira's bone marrow.. for.. for me? But.. when?” Cosima asked, nonplussed, searching her memories for a recollection that would possibly line up with Felix's words. Came up empty.

“Two weeks ago, when you had your seizure,” he explained as he started to nudge Cosima along towards the loft. “Doctor's had said something about a transfusion, and of course Sarah offered up her blood right away. But there was a compatibility issue or something, I'm not a doctor, and that's when Sarah went and asked Kira,” he paused and looked back at the woman, his eyes a little distant. “I had never seen her so desperate, Cos,” he finished quietly.

 

\- - -

 

“Hey Felix,” Sarah spoke before her lips cinched around her next words, “Cosima. You're looking better.”

“Hi Sarah,” Cosima murmured quietly, glancing at Sarah and seeing something _dark_ in her gaze, but Sarah looked away too quickly for Cosima to determine if she had just been imagining it or not. “Thanks to you and your daughter.”

Sarah froze at her words, then shot a glare at Felix, “What did you tell her?”

“What you wont,” he directed pointedly, “Christ, you two are the _worst._ Cosima, just leave your stuff at the end of the bed, and I'll just be-” Felix gestured as he went about changing his scarf and his coat.

“I'm staying with you again?” Cosima asked at the same time Sarah growled, “You're going out?!”

“You were staying at my place before you turned into a bloody ragdoll at the base of my stairs,” he shrugged nonchalantly before pointing an annoyed finger at Sarah, “And yes. Colin's got a lovely evening planned for the two of us, which leaves the two of you,” he gestured meaningfully, “To have a long, undisturbed conversation.” With a final, long glance in the mirror to check his appearance, he swept out of the apartment, slamming the door shut with a decisive bang.

“Felix,” Sarah cursed under her breath, stomping back across the flat to lock the door behind him, “Sometimes I want to bloody murder him.”

Cosima stood and watched Sarah hover around the threshold, screwdriver in hand as if debating to follow him out. It was with her back turned that Cosima saw the outline of the wings again. But they were darker, and, when Sarah decided to stay and finally turned to face Cosima, her face and eyes and neck appeared more hollow than usual. “Shit, Sarah,” Cosima gaped a little as Sarah's wings flickered from black to red to black again as they made eye contact.

“Hi to you to, Cos,” Sarah sniped, rolling her eyes and striding past the other woman. With her wings settling into a more solid appearance, Cosima found herself instinctively dodging to the side, even though Sarah herself was nowhere close to Cosima. “Hate me that much, do you?” Sarah curled a lip as she noticed Cosima's reaction, “Good. We're on the same page then.”

_Weird phenomenons later, Cosima,_ she told herself, forcing herself to focus on the present situation. _The heartbreak. The misunderstanding. Your relationship, whatever it is, with Sarah_ not _falling apart._ Steeling herself with a coppery breath in, she started to explain, praying that Sarah would listen. Except she didn't know where to start. “Shit, Sarah,” she repeated, falling back to the sight of her wings, which had sharpened in detail to show individual feathers now. “You.. you have.. your-”

Sarah folded her arms and pierced Cosima with a terrifying glare, her wings lighting up with slashes of red. “Are you going to say anything worth my time?” she snarled.

“You... I... shit, I really fucked up, didn't I?” she muttered with a tired sigh, giving up on the weird image Sarah was currently presenting, deciding to sort it out later. _If they ever_ got _a later._

Sarah snorted derisively, keeping her arms folded as she leaned against the counter. “Finally figured it out, have you?”

“Don't do this to me right now Sarah,” Cosima sighed heavily again, suddenly feeling extremely weighted, like the whole world had just dumped their nightmares onto her shoulders. “I totally get that you're pissed-” she began as she sunk wearily onto the couch, struggling to keep her eyes on Sarah.

“Oh, you get it, do you?” she raged, starting to pace, “Do you _get_ how it felt for me when I saw you lying at the bottom of the stairs, barely breathing?! So you just _get_ how terrified I was while I was in that ambulance with you, and when they wouldn't let me stay with you? And then Delphine came along-”

“Because _you_ called her, Sarah!” Cosima pointed out, feeling her temper rise.

“Yeah, for _you,_ you bloody idiot!” Sarah growled, “But I guess I underestimated how bloody awful it would be to see the two of you together, because it hurt more than I goddamned expected, now didn't it! Especially after- _god_ Cosima! I was so bloody vulnerable with you!”

“Yeah, well, if you were so vulnerable, why did you abandon me in the hospital for two weeks Sarah?” Cosima asked coldly, “That was on you. You could've come at any time-”

“You honestly thought I would? After seeing you kiss Delphine?!” Sarah scoffed, “I knew where your heart was at, Cosima. And it wasn't with me.”

Cosima stared at Sarah, head buried in her hands, as Felix's words came back to her. _You broke my sister's heart._ “Sarah, I...” Cosima began, at a loss, watching Sarah's shoulders slump wearily. Watched her wings twitch and flutter as she pulled in a deep, steadying breath. Cosima stared, trying to take it all in. _She's literally an angel,_ she thought as she tried to memorize the way the wings arched over her shoulders, past her head even, before curving back to brush the floor.

It took a moment to register that Sarah was speaking again, her words a broken whisper, muffled even more so by her hands, her hunched posture, “I told you that you felt like _home_ to me, Cosima. Do you understand what that took for me to say that? Do you really _get_ that?”

Sarah's defeated tone made Cosima's heart fall, and she stood slowly, cautiously. “I'm trying to, Sarah,” she said softly, reaching hesitantly forward, “I really am. And maybe I shouldn't've-”

Sarah's walls came back up as fast as they crumbled. “No, you shouldn't have,” Sarah bit out, whirling around. Cosima flinched back, more out of fear of being buffeted by her wings than anything else. “But you made me believe that I meant something... _more_ to you. You made me believe you _cared._ The way that Delphine believes that she has you all to herself now,” Sarah spat, the last of her venom and anger pouring into the syllables of Delphine's name before her words lost all fire, fading into near nothingness as she finished, “Because you chose her.”

“I didn't though,” Cosima interjected quickly, “And if you had just _asked_ me instead of, oh, I dunno, disappearing for two weeks without a word, you would have known that I didn't actually choose her at all!”

“You... you didn't?” Sarah asked quietly, her head still bowed as she glanced up at Cosima from underneath her lashes.

“No,” Cosima assured her softly, suddenly feeling heavy all over again and she dropped back onto the couch once more, the physical and emotional stress draining her completely. “No I didn't choose her,” she said on a long exhale as she stared up at the ceiling.

“But... you kissed her,” Sarah stated again, and it was slightly defiant. And certainly still a little angry. But even though she hadn't moved, her stance was less guarded. Was a little more relaxed.

Cosima breathed a little easier despite the accusation. Something in the air had shifted. “Yes, I did,” she nodded, her eyes still tracing patterns in the wooden beams above her, “Because I was saying goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” Sarah asked quietly after a long pause. “Is there something-?”

“No, no. No, nothing like that,” Cosima headed her off quickly, hearing the anxiety growing rapidly in Sarah's tone. “Sarah... Delphine left me because.. because she knew that I.. well, that I love you.”

“You.. you do?”

Cosima had been continuing to studiously study the patterns in the woodwork of Felix's roof, but at Sarah's small, stunned question, she chanced a glance over at her, still standing in the middle of the room.

And it was just her. Just Sarah, standing with a slightly slack-jawed expression on her face, hands stuffed awkwardly into lumps in her pockets. Just Sarah, the toe of one boot tapping the carpet as she struggled to process Cosima's words. No wings, no skeletons, no demon eyes or laughter. Just Sarah, with a slow smile spreading across her face.

“Yeah,” Cosima said after a long delay. “Uh.. yeah. Totally. I do.”

Sarah laughed lightly, rolling her eyes as she crossed over to the couch, nudging Cosima's legs out of the way. “Such a nerd, Cos,” she grinned, pulling Cosima's legs back over her lap so that her knees were crooked over Sarah's thighs.

“Does... that mean you love me too?” Cosima sought slowly for confirmation.

“Course it does,” Sarah murmured, bracing herself between Cosima's arm and the couch before leaning over Cosima, leaving their lips inches apart. “Think I always have.”

“Look who's being a nerd now,” Cosima smirked, stretching her neck up, “Now are you gonna kiss me or what?”

Sarah's smile matched into Cosima's like perfection and she sunk back onto the couch with a contented sigh into Sarah's mouth. Her eyes had just started to flutter closed when, through her lashes, she saw Sarah's wings reappear, glowing more brilliantly than the sun.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Like I said earlier, I... really don't know when or if I'm going to post a new chapter of this fic. I would really love to see this story to its end, but if nobody's interested, I'm not going to try and spend time on it unless I get really excited about it again. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


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